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1. Sang-Shil wrote:

   Right now I’m curious as to why many parents who submit Gratuitous Cute Kid Pics feel the need to point out that their kids are/were adopted. I thought the point of these posts was to share cute pictures of your kids — period. Does it matter whether they were adopted or not?

   I know that many of the readers (and contributors) to this blog are adoptive parents, and I truly am thrilled that they are reading (and posting) here. And I know that pointing out your kids’ adoptions on this blog might be a little different from when the mass media labels certain children as being adopted when it is completely irrelevant to the story at hand.

   But to me at least, it still feels like labelling in a context that has nothing to do as adoption. When do adoptees get to just be your cute kids, rather than your cute *adopted* kids? I don’t see people submitting pictures of their biological children with the added footnote “… who joined our family after a C-section”.

   Does anyone else feel this way, or am I being oversensitive about this?

   Posted 02 Oct 2008 at 10:11 am ¶

2. Shannon wrote:

   Hi all, just hoping some folks from here would hop over to my latest strollerderby post about the kids’ book, Little Black Sambo.

   http://babble.com/CS/blogs/strollerderby/archive/2008/10/01/banned-books-week-is-racism-packaged-as-children-s-literature-defensible.aspx

   Some of the commenters over there need schooling from anti-racist parents of all races.

   Folks are using that tired old excuse “I loved it as a child, so it can’t be hurtful to anyone.”

   B.S. ya know?

   Thanks!

   Posted 02 Oct 2008 at 10:28 am ¶

3. PureGracefulTree wrote:

   I’m a big proponent, as I know many on this site are, of teaching kids about racism so they can learn to recognize it and deal with it effectively. For the most part I think I do a pretty good job; my five-year-old daughter even said to me, “To fix racism, you have to change the way people think! And that’s hard!” which is more than a lot of adults understand!

   But today I was telling her about the presidential election and why the presence of Palin and Obama on their respective tickets is so important, and I articulated prejudices like “Some people think that women or people with dark skin are too stupid to be president.” She responded by saying that in her class there was another Asian girl with darker skin than she has, “but I didn’t tell her she was stupid, because she’s really nice!” I’m worried that she might actually go up to this classmate and say something like, “Hi, some people might think you’re stupid because you have dark skin, but I don’t!” I don’t want to teach her that race is a taboo subject, but I’m a little worried that her outspokenness might lead to trouble or inadvertently hurting other kids. Is there anything I can do to avoid this, or a better approach I could use?

   Posted 02 Oct 2008 at 2:41 pm ¶

4. Amber wrote:

   So I just went to get my beautiful dd a social security number and there was that lovely box. You know the one that says check one followed by asian, pacific islander, hispanic, African-American (not of hispanic decent), white (not of hispanic decent) and got confused. My beautiful dd is African-American and hispanic (her birthfather’s family was from panama) but they say check only one box. I hate having to decide which to check, do I pick African-American because she “looks” black with curly hair or do I put hispanic because of the (not of hispanic decent) comment. Why do I have to choose which one my daughter is. Why can’t she be both and embrace both and mark both so the whole world can see that she is African-American AND Hispanic.

   Posted 02 Oct 2008 at 3:09 pm ¶

5. somebody'smama wrote:

   Sang-Shil:
   I have thought the exact same thing. Exactly. It gives me the feeling that these parents want to be recognized for the amazing thing they did for their kid. I share your exact same feeling. It feels self-serving, and self-centered.

   Your question is the right one - when does your kid get to be your cute kid? not your cute adopted kid?

   Posted 02 Oct 2008 at 3:59 pm ¶

6. Wendy wrote:

   Sang-Shil,

   I am an AP and I agree with you. I think if AP’s would stop using the label than just maybe other people would. I sure as hell don’t introduce my daughter as my adopted one so why would I write it down. I find it odd as well.
   I also don’t get why people choose to say “homegrown” about bio kids. Someone please enlighten me.

   Posted 02 Oct 2008 at 4:13 pm ¶

7. CJsDaddy wrote:

   Sang-Shil - I don’t think there’s a single reason why AP’s do this - it’s a little more complex. Maybe not “better”, but not really easy to pin down.

   I think part of it is because they want credit for what they’ve done. Part of it may be because they are self-conscious about being here and use this as their justification. As we’ve discussed in the past, they should be willing to come to blogs like this and learn not just because of their children, but for themselves. I also think many white people see this as a forum for people of color, so they feel they must “disclose” that they are not a POC, but they parent one.

   Posted 02 Oct 2008 at 10:08 pm ¶

8. Shannon wrote:

   I only mention that my kids were adopted when it is pertinent for some reason. I sometimes say it because I want to make clear that I can’t take “credit” for their wonderfulness, or because I want to acknowledge their first families in my comment. I think if I were to submit a cute kid photo, I wouldn’t feel the need to mention it, though.

   I just want to point out other reasons AP’s might use the term that don’t relate to trying to sound beneficent or to pushing your child away.

   Thanks to folks who joined the conversation about Little Black Sambo. I appreciate it!

   Posted 02 Oct 2008 at 10:46 pm ¶

9. dianne m wrote:

   Amber,

   I am so with you on the “why pick one” question. I don’t fit in ONE of those boxes.

   And sometimes I have to pick the one my dad lied and used, because it’s on our birth-certificates and there is some legal hoo-ha around it - and it HURTS like hell. It was a LIE he told because:
   1) He could get away with it
   2) He was of mixed white/indigenous blood in a time and place when it was best not to share that information.

   It was his secret and sometimes I am REQUIRED to pass it on…because of that stupid “one box” rule.

   Posted 03 Oct 2008 at 2:29 pm ¶

10. Patti wrote:

    As a member of a multiracial family, I feel comfortable that it is appropriate for me to identify some of my children as having been adopted here in this forum dedicated to discussing race and parenting.

    My son came into this world via a c-section. My daughter was also a c-section and my younger daughter was born into this world “naturally” and quite quickly. All children are born. Adoption is something, that for some people, happens AFTER birth. Comparing a method of childbirth to a legal proceeding that legally severs family ties and creates new ones is very difficult and troubling.

    I understand clearly that my family’s journey - which includes adoption of children that are different races than myself or my partner, is different than the journey of parents raising only children biological to them. But I am clear that ignoring those facts is to do a tremendous disservice to my children. I do not promote that my children were adopted, but it is a simple fact and sometimes can serve to help others better understand what I am saying or why I have a certain perspective.

    A few of the million reasons I might also mention that my child is adopted could include things like : I just finished doing some adoption paperwork, spent the day with my childs bio-family, helped with the family tree project at school, updated the baby book, spent the morning with a friend who is pregnant and answered a lot of questions about it, posed for a family portrait, was verbally accosted by a stranger seeking to better understand my family, am bragging about how absolutely gorgeous my child is and want to make sure that you know her mother, her other mother, is also wonderful and gorgeous - I would hope that other parents would not try to put more emphasis on what I am saying than it deserves when I mention that my child is adopted. I have no need to score any points with anyone. That said, I hope that other parents, particularly those who are not versed in adoption issues, realize what a very big deal it is every day that my children were adopted and that we are a multiracial family. ( I hope that makes sense…..)

    And finally I just want to point out that when you see any one of my kids, it does not necessarily let you know anything at all about what my partner and I look like or where we are from. I think there often is the assumption that as an adoptive mom that I am white and American. Stereotypical.

    Posted 04 Oct 2008 at 10:39 pm ¶

11. Sang-Shil wrote:

    Thank you to everyone who responded to my initial post — I especially liked CJsDaddy’s comment about white people seeing this as a forum for people of color. I knew there was a reason why I thought people might think this site is “different,” but funnily enough I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

    I am quite aware that there are many reasons why adoptive parents would (and even should) mention that their kids are adopted on this site in a discussion of substance… my question was specifically within the context of the Gratuitous Kid Pic photo captions. If giving “credit” to first families for their kid’s looks is honestly the reason that an adoptive parent brings up adoption in a random photo caption, then I guess it’s the reason… but it still feels like unnecessary labeling to me.

    Patti — I think you’re right about not comparing adoption to a C-section; it’s not quite the parallel I was looking for. I should have written something like “with the added footnote ‘was not adopted’ “.

    Posted 05 Oct 2008 at 10:40 am ¶

12. Laura wrote:

    Wendy,
    I sometimes use the term “homegrown” in conversations about my children simply because it is the least offensive one I have thought of so far. I really do not like “biological” since both of my children are biological but only one came from his First Mother’s womb, not mine. It really does not feel right to make any distinction about how our children joined our family but when pushed into it in conversation, homegrown sounds better to me than biological. I am still finding my way in this…..
    Laura

    Posted 05 Oct 2008 at 7:05 pm ¶

13. Wendy wrote:

    Thanks Laura.

    I know there are times when people just push and push on a conversation and I am not sure why they feel they need to be so intrusive. I also agree that if are in an adoption discussion that we may indeed identify which children are adopted, born to us, married to us (step), etc.
    I do agree that there is no need for labeling when it is not in those contexts.

    Lately I have just learned to reverse a conversation on the person who seems to “need to know” how my child came to our family. It seems to be working so far and, I hope, making some people realize it is just not their business or question why they are asking.

    Just my thoughts.

    Posted 06 Oct 2008 at 11:46 am ¶

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