Comments

1. E wrote:

   Congrats on your upcoming baby.

   Tami said it very well, ultimately only you and your child have the right to decide what to call your child. I applaud your desire to resist the urge to put your child in a box or neat little category.

   My wife and I do the same with our kids (Mexican-American and African-American). And I agree with you Kristine wholeheartedly that there is only one race so the kids are not bi-racial. I prefer to use the terms bi-cultural or multi-cultural since you and your husband bring your cultures and heritage to the table, not different races.

   At the end of the day, she/he will simply be a beautiful child, not a label anyway.

   Posted 30 Jul 2008 at 10:41 am ¶

2. Josie wrote:

   I am half Scandinavian, half East African and I just want to be me… why is it necessary to have labels? Sadly though, at almost 35 I still get questions about my background and it gets old.

   Posted 30 Jul 2008 at 2:15 pm ¶

3. BCmomtobe wrote:

   Congratulations on your new little one (to be?)
   I like the term African European, or even Danish-Ugandan, because both ‘terms’ honour both parts of your child’s heritage. It’s funny how people feel the need to pigeon-hole others into neatly defined packages.

   The ‘half-caste’ comment was truly half-witted. Of course your little one will be beautiful, she’s a baby. Regardless of how they look, I think they’re all beautiful.

   Posted 30 Jul 2008 at 3:53 pm ¶

4. Melissa wrote:

   Congratulations on your new baby! What a blessing!

   As for racial identity, my son is half Polish and half Mexican. He looks Polish. But we’re doing everything that we can to teach him about both cultures that he comes from and to introduce him to cultures that neither of us are from. I think that’s the way to go.

   Again, congrats!

   Posted 31 Jul 2008 at 5:17 am ¶

5. Duffy wrote:

   I think we should all just call ourselves Muggle-born and be done with it.

   Posted 31 Jul 2008 at 8:44 am ¶

6. Gillian wrote:

   Congratulations on your new arrival, Kristine. You don’t say where you are living and this could be important in light of what commenter #1, E. says. Culture and race (or colour, if you prefer) should not be confused. If you are living in a country that is neither Uganda or Denmark, your daughter will be multicultural (or tricultural), but she will always be biracial (or mixed race, as some prefer).

   As a biracial person myself, my advice is to refuse categorically to respond to any questions that start with “What”. “What” is not “who”, and your daughter is a person.

   Should people offer their own interpretations, such as “half-caste” or “mulatto”, tell them you find those words offensive and must ask them to not use them around yourself or your child. Also ask them, perhaps, what exactly they mean by the term, and offer them an alternative, such as “African European”.

   I can tell you and your husband are on the right track to helping your daughter develop a poistive identity, and I strongly encourage you to read as much as you can on this site, as a good starting point.

   Posted 31 Jul 2008 at 8:56 am ¶

7. hedra wrote:

   I’m totally on board with the ‘you have to let them choose’.

   As for the ‘mixed race/ethnicity makes beauty’ comments, it is a subject of a lot of research. And apparently, it keeps coming up that people all over tend toward preference for averaged features of mixed ethnicities over averaged features of their own *or* of different ethnicities than themselves. http://www.gnxp.com/MT2/beauty.pdf

   It’s weird, but at least you can find that it may not be entrained racial stereotyping as much as it is observation of one’s responses at a deeper level, regardless of opinion. (there’s also research suggesting that offspring of people with very similar features tends to result in kids with less regular/less pleasing faces, but those with underlying structural differences in their faces, whether same race or not, tend to have children whose faces are rated more attractive - I recall the headlines being ‘Jolie-Pitt babies will be less pretty than Jolie or Pitt’ or some such. I can’t find that article yet, if I find it, I’ll link it.)

   Anyway, that’s all I can add to the discussion, but maybe that can start another discussion…

   Posted 31 Jul 2008 at 9:10 am ¶

8. L&N's Mom wrote:

   I love what Josie said - “I just want to be me… why is it necessary to have labels?”

   When pushed to use a label, I prefer “biracial” for my daughter where “mixed”, which is commonly used here, makes me think of puppies. But that’s just me.

   Sometimes when people ask “what is she?” I say “a girl.” I am proud of my community when people se my girls and don’t question their differing skin color - I do hope in the future the questions will just stop.

   What was hard for me, was filling out forms here in the US with all of those boxes where I checked all that applied in lieu of the “check only one” instruction, and then sometimes I don’t check any, because I agree with you Kristine on eht “Human Race”. Oh if it were only so easy…

   Best wishes for you and your little one!

   Posted 31 Jul 2008 at 9:30 am ¶

9. Michelle @ Bridge Co wrote:

   Congrats on the new baby. I have to disagree with most of the parents answers above. There answers are idealistic but very far from practical. ( Being Biracial).

   I agree that eventually the cues will come from her. Multiracial children often experiment with different racial identies and often change their racial identity based on a variety of factors (including who they are associating with at that moment to fit in or to be different, safety, respect to others feelings, phenotype, and ease {ie… not to answer five million questions}).

   I think it is naive to say your child has no race other than the human race. As a multiracial person who looks it, your daughter should expect to answer her “race” question at least once a month, sometimes it maybe once a day. The answer ” human race’ just makes people angry and makes people think you are stupid. Race may be a social construct but it is a construct we live within the United States and Americans understand that construct. ( BTW, when you travel abroad the construct changes. The pigment of my imagination by Joy Zaremka is a good book that covers this. )

   A great book is the “Multiracial Child Resource Book” edited by Maria P. Root and Matt Kelly. ( Easy fun read with pictures. ) Raising Biracial children by kerry Ann Rockquemore and Tracey Laszloffy is more technical but also insightful.

   You might also look for support in national multiracial organizations, like Mavin or the Association of Multiethnic Americans. (AMEA). Depending on where you live there may be a local multiracial family local organization and there are also groups like melting moms. Or you can start one yourself. ( AMEA can help). Certain areas of the country like California have many multiracial kids and many multiracial organizations ( MASC, I-Pride). But in other parts of the country Multiracial/ Biracial kids can feel as if they are the only ones. It is important to the kids to occassionally get together with other multiracial families with Biracial children so they know they are not the only one.

   Good luck! Enjoy your family and enjoy parenting.

   Michelle M. Hughes
   AMEA board member
   Biracial Family Network member
   Bridge Communications diversity educator

   Posted 31 Jul 2008 at 11:48 am ¶

10. A wrote:

    I am facing this problem myself. We just adopted our son 2yrs old. He has been home 5 months. He is El Salvodorian/ African American. We are caucasian. I just got asked the other day while in check out line. “is he mixed?” Followed by He’s so cute. I find it offensive, I don’t think he needs to be categorized either. Our babies beautiful no matter their skin color or ethnicity. Congratulations on your baby girl!

    Posted 31 Jul 2008 at 6:37 pm ¶

11. Meera wrote:

    Congratulations on your impending arrival! With parents so loving and concerned, I’m sure she’ll be fine.:)

    But for what it’s worth, I’ve always liked the term “Afropean”. I think it aptly descibes people people with one African parent and one European parent, like Thandie Newton, Sade, Boris Kodjoe, Zap Mama and Barack Obama.

    But I do find it very curious that more people refer to Obama as “a black man” than being biracial (even though his mixed heritage is frequently discussed). I wonder if this is in part due to the fact that he doesn’t look white at all, but either way, it speaks to how race is viewed in this country, regardless of one’s actual parentage. So I think a lot this will be determined by where you plan to raise your child, because as Michelle mentioned, the construct pretty much only changes outside of the U.S.

    Considering my own kids are being raised in Texas, my husband (biracial) and I (black) have basically agreed to raise them to identify as African Americans with mixed ancestry (as at least 80% of black Amercians are anyway). It’s more important to us that they know and acknowledge all parts of who they actually are regardless of whatever labels (black-white or other) that society places on them.

    We’ll see what happens later, as one child looks more typically black, another more typically “mixed” and our son will probably be able to pass for white (considering this is not 1930, we doubt that’ll happen). But if anything is guaranteed, society will try their darndest to label my kids and yours. It’s up to us to make sure they are wise enough and strong enough in who they are to see through the BS that’s imposed upon them (and us parents too, come to think of it!).

    Posted 31 Jul 2008 at 8:06 pm ¶

12. Jen wrote:

    I share your dilemma and can add that with my daughter who is adopted through the foster care system, we don’t know her nationality. No caseworker or member of our family were ever able to meet any of her birth relatives. We were told that her birth mother was a white woman. Our beautiful daughter has light brown skin, and hair that is curly, very fine, not nearly as kinky as her biracial brother’s , also adopted. She appears to be either a person with Mexican heritage, African American heritage, or some combination of cultures. I really don’t even know how to begin the discussion with her about the “What are you?” questions.

    Posted 31 Jul 2008 at 8:49 pm ¶

13. Tami Winfrey Harris wrote:

    Meera,

    I think people refer to Barack Obama as black, because he has said he self-identifies as such. But you’re right that given our country’s “one drop” history, a lot of people would view him as more black than white, whatever he chose to call himself. Of course, the flip side of that is also interesting. This afternoon I was listening to a political talk radio show and a caller was complaining that Obama doesn’t call himself biracial. It seems he’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t.

    Posted 31 Jul 2008 at 9:40 pm ¶

14. Michelle @ Bridge Co wrote:

    Jen,

    PACT ALLIANCE out of California put out a book several years ago about transracial adoption and in the book they actually covered children whose identity was unknown becuase of the adoption. They also have a website that you may want to look at. Perhaps it is on the website.

    Multiracial/ Biracial may be a nice catch all for your child. In my experience, I know several Biracial adult adoptee who searched for there biological parents becuase they needed the “race ” question answered. Some were raised Biracial and some were raised White by their parents. ( It did not work out so well when they did not look White. White at home and “N” on the playground. )

    In any case, it is 2008 so ethnically unidentifiable is more and more acceptable.

    Michelle

    Posted 01 Aug 2008 at 9:09 am ¶

15. E wrote:

    I have to comment on something Michelle@Bridge Co said. While I generally agree with everything she said as relates to what multi-ethnic children will often go through, I have one big disagreement. Michelle says it will come across as naive and people will be bothered by the answer that there is only one race. I say how is it our problem that someone can’t accept what is fact? I personally don’t accept the idea that we should all simply buy into a silly and clearly erroneous concept of race just because the “majority” buys into it. Michelle says people might think us “stupid” for such a stance, but whatever they think, it seems silly for us to buy into what truly is non-sensical just to not make waves and make others more comfortable in their views. If we did that, our kids would truly be at the mercy of every person out there who wants a neat box to put them in.

    Posted 01 Aug 2008 at 10:39 am ¶

16. gm wrote:

    Some Black people might disagree with the comment that Barack doesn’t look white at all. To some folks he is obviously of mixed heritage. Not that it matters.

    I don’t know what to tell you, E about what to call your daughter. Especially, since you seem to live in Europe. But, you can be sure if your child is of color she will be treated accordingly whether it’s in Europe or America. I sometimes use the term person of color especially when dealing with people who do not want to be categorized as belonging to one specific racial group.

    Posted 01 Aug 2008 at 12:30 pm ¶

17. knowgoodwhitepeople wrote:

    I disagree with those who say someone asking “what are you?” or “what ethnicities are you mixed with?” or any variation of that, is an insult. Humanity is a beautiful, diverse garden, and if my appearance makes someone ask what “flowers” contributed to making me, I am not insulted or angered in the least by the question (regardless of their intent).

    I always answer the same way. “My mother is Irish/English American (also known as “white”), my father was African/Native/English American (also known as “black”). The person then usually says some variation of “Oh, you’re “biracial”.” I then explain to the person why I refuse to use the terms biracial or multiracial (because race is a supremacist construct meant to oppress all HUMAN BEINGS.)

    If the person is white I’ll include a commment about how people of color are not the only ones oppressed by white supremacy. Teaching a white (or lighter skinned) child that they are superior because of their phenotypic inheritance is a horrible kind of spiritual/psychological oppression. I then refer the person to books or websites where they can learn more and I go on about my business.

    Is it my responsibility to try to edify every-damn-body in the world who asks about my “race?” Of course not, but I choose to, and I think it makes the world a slightly better place — one edifying conversation at a time. Sometimes I add the word “kidnapped” in front of African when describing my father, and that opens up a whole ‘nother can of worms to serve.)

    When I was a very young child, family and friends referred to me and my siblings as “mixed” or “biracial” and I adopted those terms accordingly. I was told (too many times to count) by well-meaning adults that “mixed” children were “the best of both worlds” and that we are inherently more beautiful, healthy, intelligent… etc. (More beautiful than “whom” was never explicitly stated, but I and my siblings drew the conclusion it meant “regular black children”).

    It didn’t occur to me until adulthood how racist that ideology really is. In the meantime I suffered much of the angst, confusion and bullying many multi-ethnic children do (much of that bullying was at the hands of “regular” children who had also been told “mixed” children were “more than”.)

    As I developed into a young adult and began to see how a person’s racial identity (or their denial of it) permeates every aspect of America’s social (economic, psychological, etc…) fabric, I began rejecting most of that apartheid mentality (well-meaning) adults had tried to brainwash me with. While in college, I came to the conclusion that the last thing America needs is a “colored” category where “biracial” and “multiracial” people can bask in their relative superiority to “regular {insert ethnicity here}” folks. If the tone of that statement sounds militant, it is because that was my response to the influence of white supremacy on “racial” identity and classification.

    Now that I am easing into middle age, and my interest in science (mitochondrial DNA turns me on) has influenced my thinking on this, I am walking that tight-rope between removing the terms “race” “biracial” and “multiracial” completely from my personal/ cultural speech – while at the same time understanding how to use the words strategically/publicly to get folks to get real about why race was artificially constructed in the first place (and how effectively it created an American version of a caste system.)

    To answer the question about how to prepare your child for those who will ask what they are – “My mommy is Scandanavian. My daddy is East African.

    If people insist on labeling your child “biracial or multiracial” I hope you will RADIANTLY resist. If your attitude is kind, firm and proud (the “all people are valuable” kind of proud, not the “some people are better than” kind) when discussing “race”, your children will adopt that attitude too, and it will minimize much if not all of the confusion and angst many “multiracial” children deal with.

    Posted 01 Aug 2008 at 2:24 pm ¶

18. Lyonside wrote:

    >I disagree with those who say someone asking “what are you?” or “what ethnicities are you mixed with?” or any variation of that, is an insult.

    Knowgoodwhitepeople, I find it interesting that you disavow “race,” (which is a social but not scientific concept, ITA), but you don’t find being called an object (”what”) an insult. Everyone has their own tolerances, I guess. But hearing “what” before “who” will always piss me off.

    > I was told (too many times to count) by well-meaning adults that “mixed” children were “the best of both worlds” and that we are inherently more beautiful, healthy, intelligent… etc. (More beautiful than “whom” was never explicitly stated, but I and my siblings drew the conclusion it meant “regular black children”).

    I got this too, and I was uncomfortable with it. When I was teased, bullied, or excluded, my mother would try the, “they’re just jealous of you,” line, to which I thought and sometimes said, “No, really, they don’t like me - I can tell the difference.”

    It’s also the reason I’m so opposed to the “mixed = beautiful” meme. It just ain’t necessarily so, and usually seems to only apply when “white” is part of that mix.

    Posted 02 Aug 2008 at 12:56 pm ¶

19. Jennifer wrote:

    E (comment #15),
    I can’t speak for Michelle (#9) but when I’ve encountered people who make the claim that there is only one race, the human race, the reason I find it unsatisfactory and potentially naive is that I assume (and I admit I am making an assumption) that the rhetoric this person is using is one that masks real issues of racism that occur in this country.

    I do think you are right–there is only one race. But there is a reality to the social-constructions that we call race (or “race” if you prefer) that we also can’t ignore. That doesn’t mean that we need to accept what others call us (or our loved ones) but it does mean that in preparing our children to understand how racism operates (and this is important for ALL children, regardless of what they look like or how they will eventually identify) we can’t ignore that for most of the U.S. race is real (or “real”) and that simply saying “there’s only one race, they human race” may for some anti-racist activists seem like it’s ignoring the larger problem of systemic racism and institutional forms of discrimation (and the bomardment of negative and problemtic media images of non-white people).

    I don’t know where you live Kristine M. but I would agree with other commenters that how you want to categorize your family is fully up to you, BUT if you live in the U.S. (the only place I feel comfortable speaking for since it’s my current home) then choices will be made for you–in other words, assumptions will be made regardless of what you do or don’t say about your family’s identity. So you might want to think about what choices you want to make about how to deal with the subject of race because it will come up again and again.

    Posted 02 Aug 2008 at 11:05 pm ¶

20. E wrote:

    Thanks for your response Jennifer. But let me clarify something. When I say we need to challenge the erroneous yet sadly accepted notion that “race” is a social construct, that does not mean ignoring the very real problems that flow from that delusion. We absolutely have to fight and deal with all that results from the fact that we have all bought into the belief that “race” is real.

    But you see, fighting or disagreeing with, the results of that erroneous acceptance is like only fighting the symptoms of a sickness without attacking the root cause. In the long run, as long as we give into the acceptance of a truly troubling concept, there is absolutely no way the fight will ever end.

    So why not fight against both at the same time, work to deal with the very real results of bigotry, but at the same time, work to end the root belief that is what is causing the problems. If we do not, the problems will always be there in some form. We have to chip away at the root belief that somehow we are intrinsically different. If we don’t, we are fooling ourselves. I just don’t see how anybody fighting against racism can give in to accepting even the language of racism.

    Love the discussion.

    Posted 03 Aug 2008 at 10:25 am ¶

21. Jennifer wrote:

    E (#20),
    I appreciate your clarification, but I believe I see this from a different perspective.

    I do think that people may be intrinsically different BUT I don’t think that there is anything wrong with being different, noting differences–it’s the judgment and the hierachizing and the use of differences for purposes of oppression/domination that is the problem.

    As for your statement that

    “I just don’t see how anybody fighting against racism can give in to accepting even the language of racism.”

    That *feels* very judgmental to me. I think that there are many ways of fighting racism. And I don’t know that recognizing that “race” functions in this world means that I (or others) are “accepting a language of racism.”

    I could write more, but I don’t want to derail this comment thread. Feel free to head over to my blog (you can find it by just clicking on my name) and we can continue a discussion there if you like. Ultimately I think we’re on the same page in terms of wanting to practice anti-racism.

    Posted 03 Aug 2008 at 10:29 pm ¶

22. L&N's Mom wrote:

    Lyonside, KGWP -

    You each said:

    It’s also the reason I’m so opposed to the “mixed = beautiful” meme. It just ain’t necessarily so, and usually seems to only apply when “white” is part of that mix.

    (More beautiful than “whom” was never explicitly stated, but I and my siblings drew the conclusion it meant “regular black children”).

    I found this so interesting where I thought the opposite is true - that “white” people, in my circles think that adding color and features to the mix is what makes the kids beautiful … well jeez… I’m so stuck trying to find the right words to describe what I mean and I just can’t find ones that don’t sound crappy.

    Let’s just say I have a huge family - over 100 cousins - we’re all “similar” and it’s wonderful to see the new features of children born (and adopted) into our family as new in-laws, of any race, are welcomed. It’s like finding a pink rose in a field of yellow ones - they are all beautiful, but something new is refreshing.

    I can’t speak for people outside my family & friends, but this is what I find. And when I think about it more - I’m not all that upset about people asking about my daughters “make-up” where maybe I’m teaching in stead of answering. I know it’s more complicated than that but if I think about it too much I’ll become a vigilante….

    Posted 04 Aug 2008 at 8:03 am ¶

23. Lyonside wrote:

    L&N’s Mom - I hear what you’re saying, and it can be true, esp when it’s your own family and friends.

    But looking at the wider culture, in the US and globally, and you see that the majority of “mixed/beautiful” people, or even just the mixed people being talked about, trend towards 1/2 European-descent. The fact remains that European beauty standards remain the norm, and everything else gets exoticized if too “strong” (i.e. non-European).

    Posted 04 Aug 2008 at 11:41 am ¶

24. Mike C wrote:

    My kid is biracial. His mom is from Hong Kong and I’m white. We live in China and fluently deal with 3 languages a day. We get a lot of the “mixed kids are always smart” or “mixed kids are always pretty” — it seems to be the consensus in China, as we hear it almost every time anyone mentions our son. Among other things to help him grow up thinking he is “something” (whichever something he may want to i.d. with) instead of “I’m not this and not that”, I’ve been using the word Hapa with him…figuring that that might help. We’ll see. I want him to grow up strong in who he is, taking people’s comments and strengthening himself with them.

    Posted 04 Aug 2008 at 12:38 pm ¶

25. L&N's Mom wrote:

    Lyonside: “The fact remains that European beauty standards remain the norm, and everything else gets exoticized if too “strong” (i.e. non-European).”

    Totally afreed - just look on the magazine rack at your local news stand right? I have seen, in my area, so many biracial kids in magazines and on billboards & signs in stores.

    I sent my daughters picture (at the demand of my Mom) to one of the parents magazines - they were doing a cover model search, when looking through the contestant pool there was a fair mix of ethnicities and race. How shocked was I when the results of the top kids were in the magazine and they were all apparently of European descent. It bugged me then, but now that we’re talking about it it bugs me more.

    Posted 05 Aug 2008 at 7:33 am ¶

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