Ask ARP: Should my biracial family break ties with racist in-laws?
Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
My wife and I are a mixed couple - I’m black and she’s Mexican-American. We have two kids, an 11-year-old boy and a 9-year-old girl. While my family is quite accepting of us and our kids, my wife’s parents and family are not. They are quite racist unfortunately, my wife having grown up hearing all kinds of slurs about black people from the mouth of her mother–some pretty nasty. They have never said anything directly to our kids when we have visited them (We live in California. They are in Texas.). They are the types who are not crazy enough to say anything overt in front of me or the kids. They are polite, but their ways make it clear that our kids are not as accepted as their other grandkids, who are full Mexican or mixed with white. We are very concerned that sooner or later their attitudes are going to become clear to our kids. It will be apparent that they are “less than” to their grandparents and we do not want to see that happen. My wife is at the point where she no longer wants to be around her family because of their attitudes, but my concern is that this will also hurt the kids since sooner or later it will have to be explained why they don’t see these grandparents. Tough call–subject them to people who treat them as “other” or keep them away, which could also do harm.
Ideas?
E. Harris
From the Editor:
My heart goes out to you and your wife. It is the sad fact of colonialism that many people of color–and not just biracial ones–deal with race bias and Eurocentrism within their own families, where offspring with white parentage or light skin or “double eyelids” or straight hair or the “right” features are praised as good, beautiful, smart and worthy. The others–not so much. I wish that your situation was rare. It is not. Only you can answer whether the situation with your in-laws is toxic enough to warrant cutting them off from your children’s lives. Only you can weigh the emotional toll to your wife and family of cutting them off vs. sticking it out.
But I can tell you this: What is most important, I think, is innoculating your children against people who would tell them that they are “less than.” Because, as people of color, I’m sure you and your wife know that they will encounter people like that sooner rather than later. The ending of your letter (Tough call–subject them to people who treat them as “other” or keep them away, which could also do harm. ) makes me think that you hope to shield your children from the nastiness of racism. All parents do. But for children of color, that is impossible.
So, I think the best thing you can do for your two beautiful children is to reinforce their goodness and smartness and worthiness. Expose them to accomplished people who are Mexican-American and African-American. Read books with characters of color. Acknowledge beauty that has brown or black skin, curly hair, African or Mexican features–this is very important especially for your daughter. Make sure the things they play with–the dolls, the games and the books–affirm who they are. Make sure that your language does not unwittingly reflect race bias. If you do this, then when your children encounter prejudiced people–even within their own family–they will hopefully see those people for what they are–sad victims of a racist society that has a lot of learning to do.
Now, you probably already do these things. If so, then I think you are doing the best thing possible for you and your family.
Tami
Readers, what do you say?
Editor’s note: Visit Feministe or Angry Brown Butch to read about teacher Karen Salazar, who was dismissed for offering her students of color a history that included, rather than excluded, them. A Eurocentric curriculum is but one challenge to the esteem of children of color.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
servetus wrote:
I would consider the possibility that people and their attitudes change, and that what is appropriate now might not be appropriate later. It is often precisely grandchildren who make rapprochement over difficult topics possible. I don’t mean to discount your difficulties, but simply to suggest that it might be wise to make a decision on an occasion to occasion basis rather than a principled, “final” decision.
Posted 23 Jun 2008 at 7:24 am ¶
Laura wrote:
I have been a lurker here for some time and have gained a lot of valuable insights, thank you to everyone! This topic has convinced me to finally comment. My husband and I are caucasian, myself from here, my husband Irish. We have a homegrown daughter and an adopted Korean born son. When we decided to add to our family through adoption, I always thought it would be a problem with my father, who grew up in the “old” south with all that comes with it. Not with my husband’s family who are more ‘liberal minded’ Europeans. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. My father has fallen head over heels for our son and 4 out of 5 of my husband’s siblings do not speak to us any more since we added our son to our family. His idiot sister who lives 40 miles away has not even met our son who has been home now for 3 years. If she feels that way then great! I don’t want to ever see her again. She had previously had a wonderful relationship with our daughter who was 5 when our son joined us, this was difficult to explain to our daughter but she understood and was very angry. The point I was so slowly getting to is that our children do need to be fortified against racism whatever the source but I think they also need to have a refuge or a haven where they can feel safe and valued for who they are without having to be on guard. I think that haven should be at home and I will part ways with anyone, family or not, who cannot respect my children in their own home. Or family setting. Thank you for letting me chime in. You are not alone!
Posted 23 Jun 2008 at 10:07 am ¶
atlasien wrote:
It sounds like the situation warrants very much limiting contact, but not cutting off entirely yet… although that’s ultimately up to their daughter (your wife) to decide. Maybe it’s just becoming too hurtful for her to deal with at all.
From the point of view of the kids… I think the 11-year-old might be old enough to be told the reason for limiting contact. You could tell him that their grandparents have some very wrong ways of thinking about people because of the way they grew up. As you say, sooner or later they are going to notice anyway, so it might be best to prepare them.
Posted 23 Jun 2008 at 10:18 am ¶
Dan wrote:
You can’t pick your family.
That is a given. However because your wife is ’stuck’ with her family, that doesn’t give them free license to disrespect the partner she has chosen in life.
If her family does have racist issues, then if they TRULY cared about your wife, they would put HER happiness before their own prejudice and keep their mouths shut.
I’m a white man, my wife is a black female. We’ve been married 18 months now. I went through this situation with my family; my mother repeatedly made insensitive remarks towards my wife and even when we extended her an olive branch and offered to wipe the slate clean, she accepted but the very next time we visited she resorted to her old ways. When talking to other members of my family about it, they said ‘Oh well, that’s just the way mom is. Your wife is oversensitive and she just needs to get over it.’
Fuck that. Cya family. I do not tolerate ANY disrespect towards my wife which is by extension, disrespect towards me, regardless of the source.
Our future children will NOT be made to feel less than. They will NOT be insulted. My wife will NOT have birth complications during her pregnancy due to the stress of my ignorant family being around and spewing their venom.
I wish things were different. I wish my family was as warm and welcoming to my wife as her family has been to me but that’s just not the way it is. I have to live in reality, not with ‘What ifs…’.
If anyone disrespected my father or my brothers’ wife, both of those men would cut the source of that disrespect out of their lives so how can they expect any less from me?
When our children get old enough to understand, they will have it explained to them.
Posted 23 Jun 2008 at 11:21 am ¶
Lyonside wrote:
servetus, but the kids are already here - I find it hard that after 11+ years, the grandparents would suddenly treat their grandkids better due to a change of heart.
At that age, I think kids that age are smart enough and aware enough to realize that people can say one thing and do another, and that they might not even know why they do something (like playing favorites because of deep-seated prejudice). They also can handle the idea that while racism is an evil social ill, being racist doesn’t mean that the person is absolutely evil.
If the kids already have a relationship (abeit distant) with their grandparents, I wouldn’t end that on parental principle… with the caveat that if the CHILD wants to because they are uncomfortable, and/or if there is a MAJOR incident, then there are grounds for severing that relationship. Bottom line for me is, what are the kids comfortable with? How are their identities developing, and are they confident and secure enough to deal with racism and prejudice in general, with their parents’ help, of course?
Posted 23 Jun 2008 at 11:32 am ¶
Crystal wrote:
One of my sets of grand parents was openly racist and when we visited them as children they would tell us why our parents were wrong about racial issues. My grandmother would tell horror stories or rape and crime. My grandfather would even pull out the Bible (witch he did not believe) to try to prove that all other races were inferior. W only visited them 6 or 7 times during my childhood but when we did my parents did not shield us. They prepared us for the on slot by equipping us with the truth. The opinion of my grandparents never swayed me. Even as a four year old I new they were wrong and respectfully told them so. The last time I saw my grandmother she was 90 years old and she immediately started trying to convince my children that the bible was not true. They only pitied her.
Posted 23 Jun 2008 at 1:10 pm ¶
Jen* wrote:
One note - my mom’s father died when I was 9, and I had no illusions about his feelings toward my parents (mom’s white, dad’s black) and my sister and I. He was not completely overt to the point of mentioning race, but there was an obvious difference in the way we were treated as compared to my cousins and their families. My sister was 4 when he died, and she’d also never felt accepted by him.
So I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that your kids are already aware of the attitudes of your in-laws.
If there are aunts, uncles, and cousins that are more accepting, you may want to pursue closer relationships with them, and limit more time around the offending parties.
Posted 23 Jun 2008 at 5:05 pm ¶
Margaret wrote:
In a word…yes. I would sever relations. I can’t see people like that changing and it’s too damaging to your kids. I have relatives who are racists….I don’t see them anymore anyway (since they used anti-Semitic comments around my Jewish husband), but if they were still somehow in my life, they would not have access to my children.
I have relatives who are biracial. Unfortunately they’ve grown up in a fairly racist white family. It has affected them to the point that, now that they are adults, they separate themselves and tend to their own families now. I totally don’t blame them. Racism can affect a child’s sense of self worth, maybe even there identity formation. Why would they further expose themselves or their kids to that crap?
Posted 23 Jun 2008 at 9:07 pm ¶
L&N's Mom wrote:
Hello E!
I know the Editor wrote:
“Eurocentrism within their own families, where offspring with white parentage or light skin or “double eyelids” or straight hair or the “right” features are praised as good, beautiful, smart and worthy. ”
And where I do not disagree, I’d like to add that the opposite is also true in some cases.
I am a proud Mommy of a biracial child. I am white, my husband black. I wrote a similar question as yours to ARP over a year ago while I was pregnant. My family adores my kids (I have one from a previous marriage as well), but my husbands family no longer speaks to us because of race.
The Ironic thing is that my Husbands Grandparents treated him and his brother horribly while spoiling their other grandchildren simply because they didn’t like his Mother. So it’s not always skin color - sometimes groups of people just need to have someone on the outside to make them feel closer. Sad but true. (remind anyone of High School?)
It is so difficult to think FAMILY can be this way. You love your wife, and she is a product of her family as most of us are - so why aren’t they more open minded as she is?
It breaks my heart to feel like I am the cause of his losing his family. It breaks my heart to think my daughter won’t benefit from knowing both sides of her family. I too wonder what I am to tell her when she asks who her grandparents are. So when she asks I will tell her all the positives I know - the truths, and leave out the negative. I started a family tree to research ancestors to have things to show her and I found some wonderful things.
It took a great deal of time (and some therapy) before my husband and I could forgive ourselves and admit that this is out of our control. It is our job as parents to raise our children in a positive environment. We will give them as many tools as possible so they will be able to sort out good from bad and we will be there to answer questions and guide them.
I have learned from my older daughter that kids are resilient and honest. She knows right from wrong and comes home with questions. You and your wife only need to be prepared for those questions. Your asking your own now speaks volumes.
One good thing for us has been my older daughter’s school and our town. We live in a multicultural area and my daughter has friends of every race (she is white).
The best thing - my Husband told me when she asks about her heritage HE will be there for her to teach her the positive things about his family and ancestors. Which reminded me that we didn’t need to count on his family to do that. Hard for me to imagine at first where I had my Irish and Italian sides with all of their stories - but my Mom and Dad really were the ones I learned from.
Boy - I wrote too much - I’m so sorry!
Best wishes to you and your family.
Your children are blessed with a loving father.
Posted 24 Jun 2008 at 8:08 am ¶
L&N's Mom wrote:
Dan:
You remind me of my husband:
“I do not tolerate ANY disrespect towards my wife which is by extension, disrespect towards me, regardless of the source.” Bravo.
And:
“Our future children will NOT be made to feel less than. They will NOT be insulted. My wife will NOT have birth complications during her pregnancy due to the stress of my ignorant family being around and spewing their venom. ”
I had complications. I had to go on medication from the stress of my In-Laws, and my daughter was born with some issues that have since cleared up thank God, but the Docs think they were a side effect of the meds and stress. Having you for a husband will get her through. I hope you one day feel the joy of parenthood!
Posted 24 Jun 2008 at 8:15 am ¶
E wrote:
You guys have all been great. My wife and I have read through all the comments and really appreciate the input. It helps. As you all know, dealing with racism from strangers is, in a way, a lot easier to deal with and prepare kids for than dealing with it in your own family. But it is good to know there is a community of people out there who have similar experiences and share our love for our kids and what they represent, which is that it is possible to get beyond racial bigotry.
Posted 24 Jun 2008 at 10:56 am ¶
BCmomtobe wrote:
E Harris, your in-laws are cutting off their noses to to spite their faces. They are potentially depriving themselves of having two lovely children in their lives. Their attitudes keep them from enjoying their grandchildren to the fullest. If they continue to treat them as ‘less than’, even ever so subtly, your children will pick up on it. Only you and your wife can decide whether to cut them off completely, but limiting contact really seems like a good idea. There are times when physical distance between members of the extended family is a very good thing. I think this is probably one of them.
Posted 24 Jun 2008 at 11:06 am ¶
Dan wrote:
L&N’s Mom:
Your husband sounds like a great guy! haha
I’m very happy to hear the complications with your daughter have cleared up. I’m not sure how old she is but could it possibly have been before the correlation between stress and pregnancy complications was made?
At any rate, now that the connection has been made, there’s no excuse for my wife to be stressed during her pregnancy. I can’t take her place on the delivery table so I have to do what I can to make the rest of her life easier.
And thanks for the warm wishes.
We’re planning on starting a family in July so God-willing, about 9 months from now I’ll be a daddy. 
Posted 24 Jun 2008 at 2:32 pm ¶
Mollie wrote:
I’m viewing this discussion thru 2 lenses. As a white girl growing up with my white biological parents, I watched my Mom and Dad navigate their relationship with my uncle (Mom’s older brother) and his family. My uncle is a retired police officer and the hateful word’s I heard him use in family settings made it clear that he wielded his professional power unjustly. My uncle expressed his biases freely even when my parents and his wife tried to redirect him, or tell him that his views were hurtful and needed to stop. On the day that my parents informed my sister and I that we would no longer continue our traditional family gatherings together, they communicated both their regret that my uncle would not change his unhealthy behavior. They pointed out how my uncle’s views had negative effects upon him and everyone around him. They spoke of their unconditional love for all of us. My parents actions served as a role model for me.
Now, I am the mother of two African American sons who joined my family from foster care. I have examples of anti-racist courage in my family as well as blatant racism. The movie “Mirrors of Privilege: Making Whiteness Visible” has helped me look more closely at my upbringing, beliefs and actions.
There is no simple solution for complex family and societal ills. Candid conversations about what we see, hear and how we feel about it are essential when trying to keep connections. Sometimes, in unhealthy relationships continuing contact is harmful. Best wishes to each of us as we strive to make anti-racist parenting decisions.
Posted 24 Jun 2008 at 9:08 pm ¶
Danielle wrote:
I cut off contact with my antisemitic step-father after my son was born. There were comments I would put up with about myself, about my friends, and even about my husband, but I draw the line at my child.
And the whole excuse I get from my mother that “This is the way he is. He does not mean anything by it” is such complete bullshit. I agree with what someone else said: if he really cared about me and my family, he would apologize for the things he has said and promise not to say those things around me, my husband, and our son ever again.
Another interesting point about bigots, especially in one’s family, is how to deal with their bias, racism, and hatred, when it is about a group completely outside of the family unit. When I think about all the poisonous, racist things this man said about others and even to the faces of my friends of color, I am sick with my own inability to stand up to him at the time.
I really feel for everyone who is in this situation. It’s so hard to know what the right thing to do is. But how could I have someone who thinks Jews are less than him wearing a kippah at my wedding? Or at my son’s brit milah? I know that everyone who has commented here understands what I am saying.
Posted 24 Jun 2008 at 10:11 pm ¶
Lyonside wrote:
>I agree with what someone else said: if he really cared about me and my family, he would apologize for the things he has said and promise not to say those things around me, my husband, and our son ever again.
Danielle - this part of your comment struck me - because something like this did happen in my family.
My uncle (mother’s oldest brother) started goading me when I hit puberty, with subtle (he thought) racially-motivated if not outright racist digs. For a while, every time he saw me he greeted me with laughter and “Ongawa,” (Ungawa?), something that he said that he learned in the Navy. I didn’t believe him but couldn’t prove it. Even if it were true, my ancestral ties to West Africa were at least 150 years old thanks to chattel slavery, so what was the point?
Turns out, a quick netsearch (thank you Google) tells me that the phrase was used in old Hollywood movies as a greeting by native americans, “cannibals” and “primitives,” and that it was supposedly created by a bunch of Hollywood writers at a bar “on Gowar (st.)”. Greeaaatttt…
He loved to talk about the news with me, but every discussion turned into a pop quiz on science, evolution, current events, and IQ, because he was deeply vested in staying the “smartest” person in the family (and evidently saw me as his chief competition… never mind that decades of pot use had pretty much taken away his attention span and motivation when discussing these issues to begin with).
So every family gathering made me defensive and ready to spar, because my uncle would never come right OUT and say what he meant, but I would try to call him on it regardless. And when he would get blatent, my mother and I would walk away from the table, usually after a few choice words, and he’d back off for a while.
A few months before my daughter was born, my uncle actually said something that shocked the hell outta me - he apologized, he acknowleged that his attitudes and words were damaging, he said that he hadn’t thought them through, and that he wanted a better relationship with me and my kid. I accepted, and it’s been pretty civil since.
I think the difference with my uncle is that he really wasn’t thinking - he was looking for anything to keep me on edge, to get me going, to give him a verbal advantage. He chose race because it was easy and obvious. Does he have biases? Absolutely. No question. But I’m choosing to take him at his word. What that means is that he’s on thin ice with me and knows it. I’m not forgetting, but I am forgiving. But if he starts the same thing with my kid, or with me again, we will cut off the relationship and not look back.
Posted 25 Jun 2008 at 9:07 am ¶
deesha wrote:
Hey, Lyonside…
A bit of a tangent:
I couldn’t find the Google article you referenced, but I was familiar with the “Ungawa” phrase as part of a childhood rhyme/chant that I thought had its origins in the black nationalist/Black Power movement:
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3626/is_200304/ai_n9198747/pg_5
http://www.mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=81350
By the time the chant got to our Southern, land-that-time-forgot neighborhood in the mid-70s, it became:
“Ungawa! Black Power! Your mama don’t take no shower that’s why she stank!”
*cringe*
Ah, language.
Posted 25 Jun 2008 at 11:45 am ¶
E's Wife wrote:
Hello and thank you to everyone who has responded to my husband’s question. First of all, let me express how grateful I am to all of you for your words of encouragement. I have read and listened intently to what you all have experienced and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I had made up my mind recently to cut my family off completely and it was my (awesome) husband who felt we should discuss this issue with others who were actually go through this themselves. I can’t tell you how much you have helped deal with this situation. Our children are just too important to be made felt like less than. Thank you again for your feedback.
Posted 25 Jun 2008 at 11:50 am ¶
Lyonside wrote:
>I thought had its origins in the black nationalist/Black Power movement:
Deesha: I wouldn’t be surprised if the phrase was co-opted in order to take ownership of the word, but the sources I saw (one was a UK-based discussion group, so take that with grains of salt) would predate the movement - the phrase was used in Tarzan movies, and other settings where “primitives” were being portrayed.
(http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/42/messages/402.html, bottom of the page)
This article (http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3626/is_200304/ai_n9198747/pg_5) suggests that the phrase may have been used by people in the Black Power movement, who thought it was a real word in an African language (and it very well might be - but that isn’t likely how it entered mainstream American popcultural consciousness).
Posted 25 Jun 2008 at 2:24 pm ¶
deesha wrote:
Thanks for the links, Lyonside.
Posted 26 Jun 2008 at 6:20 am ¶
L&N's Mom wrote:
Dan - my daughter is 13 months. She had severe myoclonis which appears as if she is having seisure activity - her arms and legs would jerk rythmically and uncontrollably. We went to many specialists when the Pedi was concerned she may have epilepsy. The Neurologists confirmed to us that it was Myoclonis: an immature nervous system in infants which they usually grow out of. It was their belief that the medication and stress was a contributor to the sererity of the condition.
I also found many articles on the effects of prenatal, maternal stress that prove it’s just best to avoid stress while pregnant.
As soon as we got a firm diagnosis the episodes stopped - figures huh?
Good luck in 9 months!
Posted 26 Jun 2008 at 7:59 am ¶
L&N's Mom wrote:
Deesha & Lyonside - the same tangent…
I was a cheerleader for Pop Warner when I was 8 or 9. One of the cheers went:
“Ungawa - Great Power - the Tigers are the best!”
Until right now I never knew what it meant - but our Coaches (or someone) created this cheer - it is sad how someting can branch out regardless of ignorance.
Posted 26 Jun 2008 at 8:07 am ¶
L&N's Mom wrote:
Danielle:
“This is the way he is. He does not mean anything by it”
I have heard SO many people say this. It is rediculous isn’t it? When I hear it I often wonder if people should start using this as a defense in criminal court. What if, in a murder trial the defense attourney said “He couldn’t help it - that’s just the way he is.”
And note that it is usually a spouse, child, or parent of the person in question who uses this phrase. It’s their attempt to make EXCUSES for the behavior of their loved one in my opinion.
I get accepting people the way they are - but I draw the line at racism and the like.
Posted 26 Jun 2008 at 8:14 am ¶
L&N's Mom wrote:
E’s Wife - good luck. I sincerely hope things work out for the best.
Posted 26 Jun 2008 at 8:15 am ¶
E wrote:
I added a post on my blog about this issue and all of your help. Check it out.
http://nomorerace.blogspot.com/
Posted 27 Jun 2008 at 2:34 pm ¶
Elizabeth wrote:
Tami,
I love your response/advice. It was so well said, simple and not judgmental.
When I became engaged to my husband one of my father’s friends called me to ask me to “think about what I was doing to my family, by marrying an uneducated {black} man from overseas.”
I would never expose my children to people who hold that negative intention toward them. As parents we need to protect our children, and especially their self esteem. It is critical to all of us that our muti-racial children feel the confidence necessary to RULE the world, because they will one day!!!
Good luck E. Harris.
It’s a very difficult decision to abandon family, and especially a dream or idea that what’s REALLY happening is not.
Posted 27 Jun 2008 at 3:12 pm ¶
Sewere wrote:
To the E family,
I think you’ve got some excellent advise from the folks who’ve posted here. I just wanted to add another dimension that may not have been discussed. What about getting the rest of your family i.e. brothers and sisters to join you in addressing this issue with your parents? I wonder how much powerful it would be to have the support of your siblings who are in a sense benefiting from the racist messages being sent by the Mexican side of your family.
I think your situation mirrors a lot of the discussion surrounding racism. It’s the people who are at the receiving end who have to make adjustments to cope with the effects of racism whereas the people who benefit from the skewed privileges are ignorant or resistant to challenge racism.
Posted 02 Jul 2008 at 12:31 pm ¶