Ask ARP: Is my wife making too much of our adopted child’s race?
Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
My wife and I are adopting a little infant girl from Ethiopia. My wife has read 35 books, spends hours in adoption related chat rooms, has taken courses on caring for black kids’ hair and skin etc. Suffice it to say she is really committed.
Me on the other hand…….have convinced myself that racism doesn’t exist in our small rural community outside Toronto. My faith in love and nurturing my little daughter (as I do with our 3 young sons) is the key ingredient to making our daughter feel loved and secure. Growing up my best friend was black, I dated women from diverse cultures, my parents were not racist……….so it was just not an issue. I NOW feel like my wife is making race an issue.
Am I totally naive? Do I need to pull my head out of the sand? Is adopting and/or adopting a black baby that complicated? I do have two adopted sisters (Caucasian), so I do understand some of the
challenges…..
Any words of advice?
C. Spencer
Toronto, Canada
From the Editor:
I agree with you on one point: Love and nurturing is the key ingredient to raising a happy and healthy child. It is just not the ONLY ingredient. (Think cookies–You can’t make yummy batch of chocolate chip with just sugar and flour. They are key ingredients in the recipe, but alone they don’t do the trick.)
You’re a dad, so I know you know that in addition to loving and nurturing your children, you also have to work to meet each of their unique needs. You probably don’t think about it, you just do it intuitively. One son has high energy and an agile mind, so you make sure he is challenged and has things to do. Another child is a quiet and amazing artist, so you encourage his talent, but also make sure he doesn’t disappear into himself. Your wife is right to recognize that your new daughter’s race will give her some unique needs.
If you are a member of the majority culture, it is easy not to notice that we live in a white supremacist culture. I don’t mean that in the “skinhead and hate speech” way. I mean that in Western society, in general, white = right = normal. White appearance, culture and habits are the default, which positions people of color as “other” and , at worst, deficient.
Beauty standards are one way that the idea of white supremacy plays out. Black girls grow up learning from what they see and hear in magazines, the media and everyday conversation, that long, silky, straight hair (particularly light-colored hair) is supremely beautiful and most coveted. Conversely, the dark, tightly-coiled, coarse hair that is common to many women of African descent (not all) is not. The same with narrow, light European features vs. broader, darker African features. Parents of black girls need to work hard to affirm their beauty. A black girl in this society has this unique need. Your wife is smart to learn how to properly care for your daughter’s hair, because it will likely be different from your other children’s. And you will both need to stress that different does not mean deficient; your daughter’s tresses will be beautiful in a different way than her mother’s hair is beautiful.
It’s not that black children (or Asian or Hispanic or Native American) are so different from their Caucasian counterparts; it’s that the way people react to them is different. You may think there is no racism in your town, but I have a hunch that the people of color there would not agree. They likely recognize race bias in many everyday situations. That doesn’t mean that your town is a hot bed of racism. There is likely some racism, but more race bias. I live in a small, not-so-diverse town in the Midwestern U.S. I love it here. I have encountered little racism, but race bias–yes. I am very aware that I am the only person like me in many day-to-day interactions. Think about what it would be like to be the only white male, day-in and day-out wherever you go. Depending on the diversity of your town, a black child living there may have a unique need for support in combating the stress of being “the only.”
How will your black child, raised in a white culture, interact with other children of her race who were raised by parents of the same ethnicity? Some children of color raised by white parents find it difficult to fit in among people of their own race, who expect the adoptee to understand cultural touchstones that may be foreign to her. Your daughter may have a unique need to stay connected to her own culture.
Don’t let these unique needs scare you. Let the love and nurturing you have to offer guide you in discovering your new daughter. Just understand that as a black girl her place in the world is different from yours and she will need her parents’ help to navigate life’s challenges–like all children do.
Congratulations on the new member of your family!
Tami
ARP readers, what do you say?
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
turtlebella wrote:
Remove head from sand, pronto! To put it bluntly.
I agree when Tami says that you may not have noticed the racism and/or race bias that is present in your town. I think a lot of times when people think of “racism” they think burning crosses and lynchings and hateful language yelled at people of color in public. And if those don’t happen, well then racism doesn’t exist. But subtle and insinuating forms of racism and racist behaviors still persist, in towns and cities of all societies. Your daughter *will* experience this, even if you never do. Your relatively privileged position allows you to walk through life without having to worry or even think about racism.
I think now is the time to confront your (white) privilege. Take a look at the recent posts here at ARP and also some over at Racialicious and other blogs. Talk to your wife about what she’s been reading and learning. I’m not saying that it’s an easy or comfortable thing to do. But it will make you a better father and a better person. Think of it as an expression of your love for your daughter. Good luck.
Oh and of course, congratulations on the adoption of your daughter!
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 10:51 am ¶
Ken wrote:
Love is essential, but not sufficient and not a panacea. That’s a hard truth not just in the context of transracial adoption but in all sorts of fostering and adoption and child-rearing situations. My wife, a clinical child psychologist, worked at a community mental health clinic where she performed family therapy for many foster and adoptive families. Many families had fostered or adopted children with psychiatric problems and/or substance abuse problems (the clinic’s specialty was dual-diagnosis kids). My wife indicated that one of the main barriers to foster and adoptive parents educating themselves and forming a realistic vision of what kids they were equipped to care for was the “love can fix anything” attitude, which while sweet, is simply not true. A troubled or addicted kid can be loved and still be troubled or addicted. The same holds true for transracial adoption issues, I think.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 11:20 am ¶
Kandee wrote:
Well said. She is not going to see life through the lens of a white heterosexual male, so yes, she will have needs outside his own. That doesn’t equal ‘less than’ which is what difference has been misrepresented as. And wanting to know about one’s cultural identity which is outside of the adoptive parents’ identity shouldn’t be interpreted as betrayal. She is not white, she will never be, and people will remind her every day - before she can even understand what they mean.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 11:29 am ¶
justamom wrote:
Hi, Tami. I really, really learn from reading what you write. You give me balance and perspective. Thank you. I am not writing this to post as a comment, but to ask permission. I moderate a group of parents (about 150 members) who have adopted children from Haiti. I would love to start them thinking in terms of race bias. Is it okay for me to copy your posts here on my group with full credit to you and a link to the Anti-Racist website?
Thank you.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 11:40 am ¶
rikyrah wrote:
I really appreciate this response. Honest, but hopeful. I believe that if you go into an inter-racial adoption with both eyes open, then that’s the best policy. Amen to his wife finding out how to do their daughter’s hair; it’s a big deal. As a Black person, I admit it; I just loathe seeing a Black child’s hair unkept if I see them with a White parent. The least they could do is to find out how to PROPERLY care for their daughter’s hair. It’s a’ small ‘ thing, that’s not. That this man is thinking so hard about it, makes it clear that he’s preparing to be the best father he can be, and the child will thank him later on.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 11:43 am ¶
ms. four wrote:
Sorry, C., but your wife is right on this one. She is NOT the one making race the issue.
(I’m a white mom of two boys from Ethiopia.)
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 11:52 am ¶
Jeff wrote:
Great post. I really identify with the question.
I would mention to Tami one thing: I was in the Peace Corps in Congo-Brazzaville. I was the only white person for miles and I saw no one but locals for weeks at a time. I am now beginning to realize that even though I was a local minority, I was empowered by my Privilege in a way that no one else in that town was. After the coup that shut down fuel distribution and the train system, I could rely on the weight of the US government to communicate with my family and provide a way home. My next door neighbor was a university educated forestry researcher stationed about 200 miles from home. He didn’t know if his family was okay or how he would get home.
Thinking about being the only white male around is a start. But it’s only a start. An African-American Peace Corps volunteer would have had the same help from the US Government, but I don’t know how local police would have treated him, or what other problems with community members he would have had, considering it would have been that much harder to identify him as American.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 12:01 pm ¶
Crystal wrote:
I know that when my husband and I adopted from Ethiopia back in 2006, I definitely underestimated the amount of racial issues we would face in our community. We have not experienced cruelty or open disapproval, but lots of stereotyping and assumptions. Also I have become so much more aware of the presents of intense ignorance about race in our area.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 12:02 pm ¶
Tami Winfrey Harris wrote:
Justamom,
Yes, you may share these posts with your group, as long as you give credit to ARP.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 1:21 pm ¶
Asha wrote:
Hi, i usually just read this site but when I noticed this question was from someone who lives in my region, i really felt the need to respond. as a black woman who grew up in Toronto proper and attended university in a town not to far away (Guelph), I know for a fact that there is most definitely racism in your small, rural community, not just becuase there is racism everywhere but because there is a very distinct form of racism in all southern ontario towns. it is frequently the polite, silencing racism and stereotyping that is most popular in Canada and your child will almost definitely feel it. I have numerous friends of colour who grew up in small, southern ontario towns (note that we are all in our early twenties so this is fairly recent) and they all found themselves facing very real forms of racism, whether overt or subtle. particularly, as one poster has mentioned, in terms of body image, the idea of what constitutes normal and what it means to be Canadian. For my friends, one of the things that helped them make it work was having families that gave them postivie reinforcement and an understanding of and appreciation for their culture. So I would very much urge you to be come involved in your wife’s research because it will be very, very worthwhile.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 1:37 pm ¶
Hilary wrote:
Toronto, I think your love and nurturing will be great. However, there is no way your wife can make race and issue. It is an issue. You should not ignore it. Not everyone is as enlightened as you are.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 2:12 pm ¶
DWS wrote:
As a parent of Ethiopian children and as a Black woman when I often hear comments like the ones made here and the ones below:
1) “We will raise our children to be color-blind and love will be enough.”
2) “We live in West Back-of-Beyond and we do not have any people of color nearby.”
Folks who are aware worry that the children will not be prepared to handle the racism that they will encounter and that their parents will not have the tools handy to assist them.
Yes, I realize Toronto is in Canada but I have no doubt racism can be found there. I suggest Mr. Spencer start reading those 35 books pronto.
Posted 17 Jun 2008 at 6:57 am ¶
Duffy Batzer wrote:
My husband and I are in the process of a transracial adoption and having been working hard to educate ourselves and become more aware of our privileges as the white majority. A book I really find helpful is I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla by Marguerite Wright.
Posted 17 Jun 2008 at 11:14 am ¶
Gigi wrote:
I remember being “innocent” throughout our homestudy days when I thought love would be enough and race would not matter. I can tell you, for a fact, that even though I have never experienced racism directly in the white town that I live in (I’m latina), I have experienced race bias as an adult and I have handled it to the best of my ability.
Our children, however, have experienced racism through other children’s racist remarks (some subtle and others not so subtle). The “cute baby” that you will bring home and love so deeply will grow up and go to school and there is where the realization begins imo . . . that while love may be enough for you, it is not enough for the child you will undoubtedly leave in the care of others who will not share your deep love and need for protection from the privileged mentality. The race bias I see among adults permeates our society and it can be the most heart-breaking experience you will ever have.
I say your wife is not making too much of your adopted child’s race. You would be wise to be prepared, to hope for the best, and to expect the worst.
Posted 17 Jun 2008 at 1:13 pm ¶
gm wrote:
Thank you Tami, your advice was right on point. T. Spencer if you follow the salient points Tami has provided you will find yourself to the edge of the woods you are in at this moment. If you want to get to the light take a step farther.
Posted 17 Jun 2008 at 1:22 pm ¶
BCmomtobe wrote:
C. Spencer, please read some of your wife’s books, if not all of them, and more. We can never be prepared enough to deal with racism, unless we know what to look for. I do wonder, if by asking if your wife is making too much of your daughter’s race, if you are worried that your daughter will be fearful rather than aware of the racism she will face in the world, or focused on the differences between you, rather than sensitive and appreciative of them. I don’t consider myself far enough on my journey to answer that, or to know how much is too much. I’m reading everything I can get my hands on, including “I’m chocolate, your vanilla.” I wish you the best.
DWS, now that I know what is in front of me, believe me when I say racism is alive and well in Canada. The majority is the pervasive, subtle, sneaky racism that isn’t always easy to identify. Now that I know people from a wider range of cultures, I am aware (by proxy) of the overt, obvious racism that also occurs.
Becoming aware of the magnitude of racism can be overwhelming, especially at first. I have also met some people who refuse to hate, no matter how much of it they have faced themselves. These folks, and the many people I have encountered here at ARP provide inspiration and hope.
Posted 17 Jun 2008 at 4:40 pm ¶
Linda wrote:
Thank you for distinguishing racism from bias.
I know my kids are experiencing bias even in elementary school — from sincere, intelligent, non-racists!
Iti s more subtle and thus harder to detect — and to confront.
Posted 18 Jun 2008 at 8:46 am ¶