Ask ARP: Should I apologize when someone doesn’t notice my racism?
Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
I hope my question is appropriate in this forum, as it is not directly related to parenting. It does seem relevant, though, since learning to dealing with my own white privilege and racism is a huge part of trying to raise anti-racist white children.
I am wondering about the etiquette of calling myself out/apologizing when I hear something racist come out of my mouth, especially to a person of color, when the person I am speaking to either doesn’t catch it or doesn’t feel comfortable saying anything.
I marched for peace with the county workers’ union in a Martin Luther King Day parade, and had an enjoyable conversation with a Latino man who lives in the barrio/suburb borderline where I grew up. At one point he mentioned that he worked at the Public Defenders’ office, and a while later I asked “So what do you do there?” Duh. You guessed it–he is a public defender. I responded with some lame stammering about how I didn’t know what he meant because of the way it was phrased, and we went on to discuss other things, while I inwardly cursed myself for both remarks and debated what I should have done in this case and what I should do in the future if something like that happens again. (This is very intersectional, as part of this was also classism, and my own white-collar ignorance and assumptions about unions and their membership).
If I were with a man and he said something sexist, and I didn’t feel up to calling him on it—especially likely if it’s someone I don’t know well–I would certainly appreciate his acknowledging it and apologizing. But I don’t know what it would be like to be a person of color in an analogous situation, and of course different POC would probably have different preferences anyway. I assume that if it were absolutely clear as racist the right thing to do would be to say something brief but honest like “My God, that was racist. I’m sorry.” But maybe it would be more offensive to draw attention to it than to move on and try to learn from it afterwards…And this case is even more confusing because there was that little wiggle room because of the way he said it, which could have caused honest confusion in some people—I know that racism was a part of it because I know my own heart, but that’s not his problem to fix or burden to listen to, of course.
Should I have apologized or not? Should I apologize if I see him again? And what’s the best way to handle this kind of situation in general? Any help you and your readers can give would be much appreciated.
From Laura
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BMS wrote:
Maybe I’m dense, but I don’t get why that was racist. I mean, is being a public defender the only thing one can do at a public defender’s office? And if he didn’t say “I’m a public defender”, then it was natural to ask what he did, in the context of the conversation.
Does avoiding racism mean we have to walk on eggshells and overanalyze every single thing we say, however innocently meant?
Posted 10 Mar 2008 at 12:15 pm ¶
Birdbear wrote:
I agree with the first comment: an office has many, many positions and saying that you work “in an office” is very vague and could mean anything of dozens of positions. Regardless of who was doing the speaking, I may ask for clarification, not because I assumed this person couldn’t possibly be at the top but because there were so many positions that the answer was too broad.
Posted 10 Mar 2008 at 1:43 pm ¶
Lindsay wrote:
Laura did say that she knows in her heart that her comment had racist elements - she’s being honest about how she felt in making the comment. We should try not to make excuses for her, but rather support her courage in being honest about such a difficult issue.
I’m also really interested in hearing what people have to say on this, as I struggle with it myself. My racism is my issue to deal with, and I’m really conscious of not dumping my guilt on racialized/oppressed people for them to help me deal with, but sometimes I think an apology or some kind of response is called for… what do others think?
Also, as far as things being meant innocently, when I get defensive about stuff like this, I try to remind myself that it is impact that matters, not intentions, and the person with the least power in a situation should be the one with the most credibility. My privilege blinds me to the true impact my words and actions can have and I am not the best one to judge that impact.
Posted 10 Mar 2008 at 4:04 pm ¶
Colleen wrote:
In this particular case, I would have to say that you didn’t do anything racist. Unless you were thinking, “gee this guy is latino, he can’t possibly be a lawyer.” Which I doubt. There are many jobs at a public defenders office.
However, I would be interested in the answer to your question because I said something a few weeks ago that I felt really stupid for saying. I was talking to a mother who has a job at a private Jewish girls school. She was talking about how hard it was to teach the girls because of their attitudes and I used the term, “Jewish princess.” It wasn’t until after I said it that I remembered the term came from a coworker years ago who was racist. I didn’t know what to do or say but I did feel like a jerk.
Posted 10 Mar 2008 at 4:29 pm ¶
DWS wrote:
You could always apologize for assuming incorrectly…
I’d be willing to bet most people (especially POC) “catch” inappropriate comments but are just too polite to call people on them. If they responded to every one they heard they would be reacting constantly and that just ain’t healthy.
Posted 10 Mar 2008 at 10:28 pm ¶
Margaret wrote:
I can only speak for myself, but when I say something and then catch myself, realizing that what I said was racist, or didn’t have enough thought behind it, I usually say something right away. I don’t know if there’s a right or wrong way to go about such a situation.
Posted 10 Mar 2008 at 10:57 pm ¶
BMS wrote:
As a female engineer, I am often on the receiving end of similar assumptions. The conversation usually goes:
“What do you do?”
“I’m an adjunct at university x”
“Oh, in the English department?”
“No, Mechanical Engineering”
**crickets**
Now, I suppose I have a right to be irritated at the idea that no one assumes that female is going to be an engineering professor. However, I find it is counterproductive to get insulted by these assumptions. Better to just be a confident engineer - that seems more likely to challenge people’s assumptions about what women can and cannot do.
Posted 11 Mar 2008 at 8:33 am ¶
Lyonside wrote:
>However, I find it is counterproductive to get insulted by these assumptions.
Just because you personally choose not to be offended/insulted by sexism, doesn’t mean that the comment isn’t sexist.
Just because someone does not pick up or chooses not to be offended by racism, doesn’t mean a comment or action isn’t racist.
Just saying, because minorities (ethnic and otherwise) have gone along to get along for centuries, in every society, and often save their strengths for big battles out of necessity.
But in a fair and just society, we know that small sins beget bigger sins, and indeed make the bigger sins excusable, or if not excusable, invisible. So it pays both the individual and society to fight for justice on small and large scales.
Posted 11 Mar 2008 at 9:15 am ¶
turtlebella wrote:
Even if this particular comment wasn’t as racist as Laura thought it might be (we don’t really know, maybe Laura *was* thinking Latino=not lawyer, she wouldn’t be the first to think so, off the top of her head, even for someone working on being anti-racist), I think this is an interesting question– calling yourself out on your own racist comments, especially when they are relatively unthinking. I mean, if you are being truly and deeply racist, you are probably not going to worry about apologizing, etc!
I personally think in cases like these, as soon as you realize you’ve said something even *potentially* offensive, you apologize right away - saying something like, “I’m sorry, that was rude/offensive/racist of me to say.” And then leave it at that. Otherwise, it seems like you might be getting a little too self-congratulatory, and like you are lecturing to the person about how cool you are for a white person even though you just stuck your foot in your mouth, big time. (i.e., don’t make it all about YOU.) If you said nothing at the time, I wouldn’t go back and say sorry, unless what you said was really quite offensive and it’s bugging you so much that you avoid the person from here on on out.
I don’t think it hurts to be overly sensitive to these kind of things. You wouldn’t believe the kinds of things people say, sometimes, and there isn’t enough time in the day to call out people every time. And so I am sure there are times in all POC lives where they just don’t say anything when someone says something offensive to them. If you are aware enough to realize that you’ve just said something racist, taking responsibility for it, owning up to it, all these things can contribute to your own personal change towards being more anti-racist.
I think this is a pretty good post for Anti-Racist Parent, since one of the ways I wish to be an anti-racist parent is by modeling behavior for my kids. And if they see me mess up, blurt out something racist, realize it, and then acknowledge OUT LOUD that I was wrong, then so much the better. Living in a racist society, we none of us are perfectly anti-racist, even POC (some of the things that come out of my mother’s mouth about Black folks sometimes or even about darker-skinned Latin@s…ay ai ay). It’s a path we walk daily and I want my kids to see me on that path, sometimes falling down but picking myself back up to forge ahead.
Posted 11 Mar 2008 at 9:50 am ¶
justamom wrote:
As I learn and grow over the years I find that I need to change some things that I say, some assumptions that I still make. And I am so frustrated with myself for stumbling in this way. I think we have to give ourselves credit for examining our thinking and striving to change. If I can correct something I have said without making the situation worse I do. I will say something like, “Please excuse me. That was a rude or clumsy thing to say and I apologize.” Or I may just go on with the conversation and promise myself to not make that mistake again. It depends on how it will impact the person with whom I am talking. If correcting my mistake makes them more uncomfortable, than it is better to just be still.
Posted 11 Mar 2008 at 10:17 am ¶
BMS wrote:
I guess I’m saying that I know it is a sexist comment. And the best way that I have found to educate people out of sexist comments is to just talk matter of factly about the diversity of the department (gender and racial), and let them know that way that engineering isn’t just for old white guys anymore. I find it even more constructive to say, mentor my female students, give them references for good internships, and otherwise make sure that I’m not the only female engineer out there. Calling someone a sexist seems to accomplish nothing. Of course if someone is being a true jerk about it (instead of simple ignorance) I tell them to go climb a cactus in no uncertain terms. Not only can we females be engineers - we can curse like wounded pirates too when provoked.
Posted 11 Mar 2008 at 11:47 am ¶
Deb wrote:
As a female physician (who was once a female engineering student horrified to hear her departmental chairman crowing about hiring the first female engineering faculty) I often answer the “what do you do” question with a deliberately evasive “I work at the clinic.” Why? Because I’m don’t particularly want to be on the receiving end of everyone’s medical stories or complaints about the organization that employs me or healthcare in general. People typically assume I’m a nurse or receptionist or support staff of some sort and the conversation moves on. Perhaps the lawyer Laura references was also being deliberately vague, for whatever reason. It doesn’t annoy me when people make that assumption (unless I’m at work, the only one not in scrubs, wearing a stethascope around my neck, writing in or reviewing a chart, and someone asks me to refill the water pitcher). However, since Laura feels it was a racist assumption on her part, I’ll speculate that she thinks that had she been speaking with a white male, she would have assumed he was a lawyer.
I do struggle with this issue myself; there are so many variables. When does it strike you that it was a racist assumption? What is the tone of the conversation to that point? I’d have been tempted to try to tacitly apologize when we parted ways by simply sincerely telling him how much I’d enjoyed our conversation and what a pleasure it was to meet him. It seems to me, Laura, that while you may have made a racist assumption, you were seeing this man as an individual. Does it do more good to point out and apologize for it, or does it do more good to just internalize the experience and learn from it yourself?
I, too, would love to know what the POC on the board would prefer!
Posted 11 Mar 2008 at 1:40 pm ¶
Liza wrote:
First, I do think it’s a huge step in recognizing that there was power behind your statement — whether it was a subconscious comment about race, gender, social status, etc. I think questioning the power behind your question is a big step — one that many don’t make.
The situation has already passed, so I’ll attempt to give my own input into “what to do if it happens again.” I find the most effective route is to acknowledge and apologize (if necessary). And that’s it. I work in multicultural affairs, and often have to hear people admit they did racist/sexists/homphobic things. Rather than simply acknowledge it, they then proceed to perform a whole monologue about how they “didn’t mean what they said” or how “someone else took it the wrong way” or “I would never have actually said that in that way” or “how they have lots of ____ (fill in any oppressed group here) friends.” For me, when people feel the need to qualify their acknowledgment/apology statement, they are not truly reflective.
So, if it feels like you should apologize, feel free to apologize in a short-and-sweet manner. I find that simply acknowledging the situation or the wording is usually enough.
Posted 11 Mar 2008 at 9:27 pm ¶
barbarafw wrote:
I don’t think I’d assume that I was meant to just *know* that he was one of the attorneys, and I’d leave it alone.
There’s even the possibility that he didn’t want you to know that he was one of the public defenders. Kind of a stretch, maybe, but I’ve known people who aren’t too keen on attorneys in general, and I’ve known people who were *really* not too keen on defense attorneys.
To be kind of blunt about it, it would really serve no purpose but to assuage your own guilt, and would probably end up hurting his feelings more than if you left it alone.
I’d take it as a lesson learned and move on.
Posted 12 Mar 2008 at 1:24 am ¶
GM wrote:
In three different circumstances I have gotten this question, “How did “you” get that job?” The first person was a white woman superior at a different job. I immediately went into the whole job interviewing story not understanding I was being dissed or privy to some racist comment but feeling uncomfortable nonetheless. Since then I’ve gotten worst comments from the same woman such as, “What are your kids doing in that school.” After that comment and my kids getting accepted into an even more elite school I got this comment, “Your kids are going to grow with a sense of entitlement.” My answer was “My kids are black and entitlement and blackness don’t usually go hand in hand.” She was a little taken aback at my answer but she got my message and I got hers. She had issues with affirmative action and whites at class levels above hers. Those were her issues and I left it at that but what I learned from that incident was she was very comfortable with throwing her baggage into my lap but uncomfortable having a real discussion about race and class. I knew from her reaction she would never feel comfortable again dumping on me and I was quite frankly fine with that.
The second time I got the “How did you get that job” the older black man making the comment tacked on to “Is it because you look white.” Now that really stung! But, I answered with a humorous reply, “No, I slept my way there.” No one in the room got the joke but him. I answered the way I did because the accusation was so ridiculous I couldn’t even bring myself to answer with the correct answer. But, the person asking the question had never been able to break into mainstream media because of race and assumed that any person of color who had, obviously had an edge he didn’t have which in this case must have lack of pigmentation.
The last and most recent time I received this question it was from an old white man. I don’t know what his motivation was but I gave him the long answer and he probably wished he hadn’t asked. I felt a little pissed after the inquiry but I think this time his question was an interview question. He wanted a reveal of character and I think my answer provided that.
In the end it’s never what you say it’s what people hear and you can tell what was heard by how people answer. If the Latin gentlemen answered your question with the simple answer “I’m a defender.” More than likely all he heard was your question not your intention. We are all guilty of assumptions we make about people based on what we see and hear. As you go through life’s journey you will make less and less of those assumptions and will start to “really” listen to the answers to your questions. Those answers will inform you how to proceed.
Posted 12 Mar 2008 at 11:25 am ¶
DWS wrote:
GM, I was in the room and I got it. I was just too shocked to say anything .
Posted 12 Mar 2008 at 1:56 pm ¶
Missy wrote:
Hi.
I understand the poster’s pain. I am bi-racial, more on the white side of the spectrum in appearance (I look a bit like Mariah Carey or Shakira, but with darker hair and probably a teensey bit darker skin). I want to shoot myself when I call my black girlfriends “girl”! Sure I call my white and asian girlfriends ‘girl’ also, but I know how often blacks have to put up with that sort of talk from whites (white guys calling black guys “my man” in a context where it doesn’t make sense) that it makes me cringe! However, this is such a small thing that it would be awkward to bring up and apologize for. Sometimes, it’s being the bigger person to live with your mistake and swallow your own guilt!
When it’s a bigger something, yeah, you gotta say sorry in a 100% non-defensive fashion.
Posted 09 Apr 2008 at 7:25 am ¶