Ask ARP: How to be a strong ally to kids and parents of color at school?
Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
My child just started kindergarten at a publicly funded, open enrollment, community operated charter school. We live in a very racially diverse city, and the school is located in a neighborhood that is historically African American, though it is also, like much of the city, gentrifying. The population of this school is over 50% white, making it the whitest school in the district. There is only one classroom teacher who is a person of color, all of the top admin (director, assistant director, and office manager) are white.
My question for y’all is, What are some of the things I, as a white parent of a white child, can do to be a strong ally to the kids of color and their parents at this school? what are some of the things I should NOT do? I ask because I know there have been many well meaning white folks before me, some of whom have been helpful, and some of whom have NOT, and I of course want to fall into the “helpful” category. I have self interest here, as well; it bothers me that I ended up putting my child into an overwhelmingly white environment, and so I feel compelled to make sure it is as anti-racist environment as possible, and want to model for my child being an accountable ally and an active anti-racist.
I’m especially interested in hearing from white parents who’ve been in similar settings and what you did and how it went, and also from parents of color who’ve worked with or dealt with white parents trying to step up and how that went.
From SJ
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shelli wrote:
wow. Well, I’d say just be yourself, and talk to your child daily, befriend people - of all races and nationalities.
I’m more of the “less is more” camp, in that I am a firm believer of the fact that if you raise your children well, they’ll make the proper decisions and friendships for themselves.
I feel like if you want to be “helpful,” you can do so by not trying too hard, you know?
Posted 18 Jan 2008 at 11:46 am ¶
ana wrote:
Why does it bother you so much that your child is surrounded by other white kids? All kids (and people) want to be around people that look like them, so I actually think that you’re doing your child a big favor by surrounding him with other kids that look like him (it gives a sense of belongingness).
Imagine how out of place he would feel if he’d be one of very few…..
Posted 18 Jan 2008 at 3:16 pm ¶
margarita beard wrote:
My doutgher had been call F….black n… big lip…….shout up neger…….at school Ibeen reporting all the time to the school but the last 6-4-07 was the final moment the supertintendent at the Battle Ground District ordened a investigacion, big sorpresd was that all the record was destroed by the school principal assistent, even the frist one when she was 7 years old, she was in the school bus. and a white kid tol him to moved from the sead because he was going to seat on that seat, my girl refusedand the boy hited him on the head , that moment gived my the momory of mrs Rosa Park. I do feel sorry for my bad gramat. thank for your good job. margarita.
Posted 18 Jan 2008 at 4:51 pm ¶
kim wrote:
SJ,
I know of no white parents who make it a matter of course to “step up,” as you put it, when they find themselves in the majority of the school parenting population, but neither do members of most majority groups reach out to members of the next, unless there is some personal interest motivating the contact.
I would think the steady, consistent modeling of respect and appreciation for the common humanity each of us shares is the strongest foundation for giving your child the same.
In addition, as to your inquiry of how to be inclusive in the midst of the burgeoning culture of whiteness that is surely developing in the community at large, and is reflected in the school enrollment numbers, make it plain in your daily interactions with other moms and dads that you SEE them. Say hello/good morning. (Smile when you feel like it.) It makes a difference.
Ask the mom who seems most receptive, most often, what she thought of the meeting of so-and-so ago, and what did she think? (She may not have known about it.)
In all seriousness, have your school’s teachers order the supplement to the Scholastic Book orders that have a plethora of authors and characters who are of color. Insist that it not be just in January/February.
When you serve as parent-helper ask yourself if you notice a difference in the way the adults respond to the children of color; if all the children are received with the same sense of expectation and given the same encouragement and consideration. (Your work here will be both measured and exhaustive.)
You are part of a bridge. Good for you.
Posted 19 Jan 2008 at 11:19 pm ¶
Janine deManda wrote:
do you live in oakland, california? the school you describe sounds remarkably like the north oakland community charter school we hope our daughter will be able to attend in a couple of years. when we visited, i inquired about the integration of raced identity development issues into the curriculum, and i was told that they hadn’t really done that yet, but were open to parental contributions. perhaps you could begin there - find other interested parents or begin yourself in helping the school begin to offer kids language and analysis options for discussing race and related issues. in my observation, experience, and reading, it is white children who most often lack these tools and carry that lack into adulthood, thereby complicating their efforts to be anti-racist allies. any number of children’s books and activities are available that address these topics and could be used to lay a foundation for understanding and communication.
Posted 20 Jan 2008 at 11:21 am ¶
sheryl wrote:
SJ,
Your thinking is commendable and I wish you the best. The mindset of people like the first two posters is exactly why race relations have not improved. Being comfortable with your own and not trying hard only perpetuates the unequalness that has existed for most of America’s existence. The messages that almost all of us grow up with, no matter what race, is that people with White skin is good and darker skinned people are not so good.
I like Kim’s advice and will add my own thoughts. As much as you can, make sure that people of color get represented in the curriculum whenever you can. For example, my friend’s daughter came home with a list of famouse explorers. The girl had to pick one of them to write about. My friend is Black, her child is Black, but none of the explorers on the list was Black. Well my friend found some on the Internet and sent her child back to school with one of their names. This kind of thing isn’t easy, but the effort will be worth it. People don’t want to admit the damage that is done when children of all races go through their entire school career seeing White people as the best and smartest and other races as evil, backwards, or deficient in some way.
Finally, please don’t be patronizing to Black parents/children when you do interact with them or offer to be an advocate. I am not accusing you of this, but please be mindful. I am Black and had a White parent approach me wanting to “help.” Well what I got from her was she felt sorry for us. Working for what’s right and fair will be welcomed, but if it’s pity that you’re feeling, don’t bother. Again, I’m not accusing you. I believe your heart is in the right place.
Posted 21 Jan 2008 at 1:14 am ¶
Lyonside wrote:
Wow. Parents who think like Ana are the reason we NEED anti-racist parents.
Ana:
>Why does it bother you so much that your child is surrounded by other white kids?
The point is that SJ’s child IS ALREADY SURROUNDED by other white children. Sj wants to know how to reach out to non-white parents and non-white children to make them feel INCLUDED, considering that this is a majority-white school in a non-majority white area.
>All kids (and people) want to be around people that look like them,
Wait, that ONLY way that people can be around people LIKE them is if they LOOK like them? But not everyone looks the same, and that’s OKAY. And children need to know that. I’m guessing you think otherwise, so you can take your seperatist talk elsewhere.
>I actually think that you’re doing your child a big favor by surrounding him with other kids that look like him (it gives a sense of belongingness).
There are other ways to belong. It’s very sad if appearance is the first and only thing that matters to people like you.
>Imagine how out of place he would feel if he’d be one of very few…..
Um, like the very non-white people that SJ wants to reach out to?
Thanks for being so helpful in showing us all what we’re really up against.
Posted 22 Jan 2008 at 11:51 am ¶
SJ wrote:
Thank you all for your feedback. I am mindful of the danger of being condescending or patronizing, and that goes hand in hand with also actually seeing and interacting with the kids and parents of color; making sure to do that but to do it in genuine and open, honest ways.
What’s the scholastic supplement? I am not aware of it; that seems like a simple but impactful thing that I could ask the diversity committee to do.
Janine, I’m not in Oakland but I think I know folks who go to that school and it sounds like they are very similar. Can you tell me more aobut this idea of integration of racial development issues? So far, my kid’s teacher has responded positively to pretty much every suggestion I’ve made, but I don’t always know what suggestions need to be made, y’know?
tomorrow is the day I vounteer in the classroom; I’m going to take a closer look around the room to see who and what is being represented…you know us white folks often fail to notice unless we make a cocerted effort to; so tomorrow that’s my goal…pay attention to what’s on the walls, in the library books, etc…
Posted 22 Jan 2008 at 1:10 pm ¶
SJ wrote:
Lyonside, we cross posted, thank you for addressing those comments directly.
the only thing I would add is, my kid lives in a racially diverse city, and a racially diverse world, and I want her to be a part of that world, not just part of the white part of that world. i want her to really internalize that she lives in a multi-racial world, and that it’s a good thing.
Posted 22 Jan 2008 at 8:13 pm ¶
Lyonside wrote:
Something I’ve said around here before, but bears repeating - make positive minority role models a part of the year-round classroom. Don’t trot out African-American heroes in February, or wait until September for Latinos, etc. My mom teaches preschool in a 99%+ (depending on the year) black neighborhood and school - her kids start hearing about MLK and Garrett Morgan in September, and she builds on new people through the year. Thing is, she’d do the same in a more diverse school. With older students, you can do so much more.
Posted 22 Jan 2008 at 10:57 pm ¶
cloudscome wrote:
Kim - “the supplement to the Scholastic Book orders that have a plethora of authors and characters who are of color” What is this? I have been using Scholastic Book orders for 20+ years and never heard of it. Tell me more please!
Posted 27 Jan 2008 at 8:28 am ¶
Lindsay wrote:
I want to recommend s a few books for you - they do not deal directly with the situation you describe,e but rather address how to be an ally, and some ideas about being a white person fighting for racial justice.
Becoming an Ally - Anne Bishop, published by Zed Books in the US
Uprooting Racism - Paul Kivel, published by New Society Publishers
Understanding White Privilege - Frances E. Kendal, published by Routledge
Hope that helps!
Posted 27 Feb 2008 at 10:40 am ¶