Ask ARP: How can I stop my child’s father from teaching him the n-word? at Anti-Racist Parent - for parents committed to raising children with an anti-racist outlook

Ask ARP: How can I stop my child’s father from teaching him the n-word?

Dear Anti-Racist Parent,

I have a 17-month old son with my ex-boyfriend, who is now my best friend. We all live together. My ex is Hispanic and I am white. My son looks like me but has a darker complexion like his dad.

Here is my problem: my ex likes to think and say that he is black. Actually he says he’s a “n**ger” In fact, the n-word is one of his favorite words. He says it ALL the time. He says he’s going to teach his son “how to be black,” etc.

The obvious problem first of all is that my ex and our son are clearly not black (and clearly not white- they look hispanic). I have asked my ex repeatedly not to use the n-word around our son and not to teach him to use it because one day he will use it in public and people will get upset. My son won’t understand because if he says the n-word in the presence of his father he will receive great praise (this hasn’t happened yet- I just know that it will). But I also know that I will be the visible parent in his life- the one dropping him off at school, bringing him to playdates, etc. So the half-hispanic kid with the white mom is running around saying n-this and n-that… it’s going to get him into trouble, right?

My ex has made it pretty clear that he has every intention of teaching the word to our son and promoting its use. How do I adequately teach my son that something his father holds in such high regard is actually a very ugly word that can get him into a lot of trouble? How do I counteract what his dad is teaching him? And if I can’t, how do I explain this to other parents? Usually I don’t think about it too much because my son is so young, but when I do stop to think about it, it really stresses me out. Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated.

From Molly

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Comments

Karen wrote:

Molly, oh, this is a doozy. I hope you get some good advice on this because I have a somewhat similar (but milder) situation–my husband, who is white (as am I) but grew up in Eastern Europe (I was born & raised in the US, where we live), has some dark-skinned colleagues (I think they’re South Asian–I don’t know if he even knows for sure) who like to call each other “my n***.” My husband sometimes says the word at home and it drives me nuts.

Your ex must be a reasonable person, or he wouldn’t be your best friend. Perhaps he hasn’t pictured the scenario you described (half-hispanic kid with white mom, etc.)? Why does he think this word is so great? Surely he is aware that not everyone shares that opinion? Arrgh. Good luck.

Posted 16 Nov 2007 at 11:13 am ¶
xingxing wrote:

Wow, I assume this guy must have some pretty awesome qualities that make up for this, otherwise he wouldn’t be your best friend. Surely every father wants to be looked up to by his son. You should make him aware that if he does teach his son that word, you will be forced to teach him not to use it, and to explain to him that his father is wrong for using it, which may damage their relationship.

That being said, I don’t think it will be that difficult to teach your son that some words are appropriate to use only with his father but not with anyone else. Children are very capable of understanding that you talk differently to different people, and numerous studies have shown that this is a skill they acquire by as early as age 2 (Lawson 1967, Volterra 1975, James 1978, McTear 1985, etc.)

Posted 16 Nov 2007 at 4:32 pm ¶
GM wrote:

hmm…. I’m more concerned with how you define black. Many hispanics are black and you can’t necessarily tell if a person is black by their complexion. If he considers himself black then that is probably what he is.

As far as teaching his kid how to use the n-word that is just plain ignorant. I agree with the suggestion from xingxing, you can counteract this. He obviously isn’t aware of the controversy J-Lo stirred up when she put the word in a song. You are right about being concerned about trouble if your child says this word among others. Black people will definitely be offended and so will a lot of other cultures but that is also dependent on where you live. In New York, I hear a lot of hispanics use this word in public places.

Posted 16 Nov 2007 at 5:36 pm ¶
kaywil wrote:

It’s an American phenomenon - only because it has been promoted through mainstream media as an acceptable word for Blacks to say when in actually it’s not seen that way universally. Because minority groups are usually seen as homogeneous, it’s not widely shown that there is much controversy and divide between Blacks as to the use of the word. But for record companies who have employed mainly the types of individuals who promote its use (supported by White America’s view that a few Blacks speak for all) it has given permission to those who also feel that they identify with the ‘black struggle’ - a product within itself being sold more than discussed.
What I suggest you do is take a strong stance and discuss it as you would with any other parenting issue like biting or swearing or fighting. Those are your values and they should be respected. I’m in Canada, so there’s less pressure for kids to use that word with each other but I will not be allowing my kids to use it should they try. I never have. No one around me ever has…regardless of spelling/enunciation. Just keep on taking a stance. Your son can find something else to identify with other than a commercialized version of Blackness. And for goodness sakes…can’t people say ‘friend’ anymore???

Posted 16 Nov 2007 at 6:55 pm ¶
Julia wrote:

You can’t change someone else. The most you can ask is that he respects your request not to say that word in front of you. He either will comply or not. And then you need to decide if you are going to allow that influence in your son’s life or not.

Posted 17 Nov 2007 at 9:12 am ¶
Gillian wrote:

I agree with Julia, but your ex may require further explanations, and I think you need to be convinced of them yourself. You say that you do not want your son to use this word because “people will get upset”, “it’s going to get him into trouble”. But you also mention that you believe it’s “a very ugly word”. I am inclined to advise that you concentrate on the last bit: this word has a long history of oppression and continues to embody it. It is wrong for ANYBODY to use it.

Posted 17 Nov 2007 at 1:00 pm ¶
Shelley wrote:

You will never have a more important job than raising this child. You need to think long and hard about who it is you are and who you want your son to be. I won’t allow that word to be said in my house because it offends me, I want everyone who comes into my space to know it is unacceptable, I don’t want the atoms in the air around me or in my walls to absorb obscenity. I choose what I want surrounding me. It’s up to you. You should decide what and who you allow into your life, into your home but more importantly into your son. Get rid of the guy. Let his choices be his choices, not yours.

Posted 17 Nov 2007 at 4:27 pm ¶
Vonetta wrote:

While I do not entirely agree with Shelley about putting your ex out of your life, I do believe you need to let him choose his path, and you choose yours. The word is vile, regardless of whether you are black or just identify as black, and signifies ignorance. We have a rich culture that you can teach your son about, in addition to his Latino roots. By teaching your son the positive traits, and encouraging them, you will be able to counter the negative of him learning this word from his father.
My children, now 3yo and 6yo have learned some disgusting habits from their father, like drinking alcohol to the point of unconsciousness is the norm for daddies to do… but I counter it with images and role models of what IS appropriate and we discuss what is the best way to handle life….
If you son tries to use the word, you will simple remind him that that is not an appropriate word to use. Be consistent and he will learn from you the appropriate behavior to use in the world at large. As he gets older he will question his father’s motives for using the word also. You must stress the oppressive history of the word, as he gets older..”It was a word used to make black people feel badly” is one way to explain it to a child. We have had the conversation in my house several times.
Good luck.

Posted 19 Nov 2007 at 9:02 am ¶
L&N's Mom wrote:

This is hard. I read this last week and thought about it. As usual, I discussed it with my husband who is “black” (I am white) He said “black people have earned the right to use the word - but he’s not black.”

NONE of that quote makes much sense to me really. I never understood calling people slurs even in jest. My Irish cousins used to call me “guinea” in a ha-ha kind of way but it was still offensive. Other Italians calling me that I find offensive as well. Someone above mentioned using “friends” instead or any other term in stead of a slur - and I agree. Calling each other a slur makes the intensity of the word diminish, and it just becomes another word in our language - like “ain’t” which I was not allowed to use when I was young - now in the dictionary and used everywhere, everyday.

As for the boyfriend teaching his son to use such language - there’s a battle I’d fight. You are right - children don’t always know when to be “appropriate”. Like saying “that lady is really fat” as my daughter did - I explained not saying such things, but the damage was done.

My husband chooses not to use the N word - ever. He says “it’s ignorant to think you can say it without people judging you one way or the other - it’s best to be a positive example.” I have alot of respect for that. Even if I can’t completely agree with his previous statement.

Posted 19 Nov 2007 at 1:02 pm ¶
michael reyes wrote:

it is pretty obvious that most of the people who posted their comments are not black of hispanic or do not know much about the ‘hood. There is even one lady who goes as far as to say that the mother should deprive the father from seeing his son on this basis! Of course, it is understandable that the white mother is uncomfortable with the use of the word nigger. But, hey, you have a kid with someone who is latino. It is common for many latinos, even those who don’t have dark features, to use the word, particularly if they grew up or live in the hood (I live in the Bronx). Now, there is the theory that the use of the word reflects a certain degree of self-hate. Whether that is true or not, I don’t think matters to much. The reality is that the father uses the word and it seems that be used by the people he socializes with. Why should the son not identify with one aspect of his father’s identity? It is enough that it makes the mother uncomfortable. I can understand your efforts to get the father not to use the word.
But not getting your way on this issue does not seem like a big deal to me.

Posted 11 Dec 2007 at 2:04 am ¶
Lyonside wrote:

Michael Reyes:

Yeah, OK, let’s let our kids do all KINDS of things adults do but shouldn’t.. starting with racial epithets and curse words. Let’s see how well that kid does on the school yard when he calls the wrong person “nigger.”

There are a million ways to bond with a parent and identify with an ethnicity that don’t involve a word with this much history, use, and abuse.

And don’t we want our kids to be better, do better? Just because the grown-ups do it, that doesn’t make it right, no matter WHAT your “‘hood.”

Posted 12 Dec 2007 at 11:51 am ¶