Assumptions
by guest contributor eliaday, originally published at Kimchi Mamas
Last weekend, one of my old college roommates got married. My daughter and I attended the wedding, and had the chance to hang out with some of my old friends from college. For the most part, they are still single and childless, so when the groom (my old roommate) came to hang out at our table, he wanted to make sure that I met the other young parents who were at the wedding.
“eliaday,” he says, “I want to set Tae up with my friend’s son.”
“groom,” i say, “Tae might not be straight.”
… at which point there was an audible collective gasp from the table. It wasn’t that my table-mates were homophobic, I think they were just kind of surprised at what I had said.
And it’s not that I have any reason to believe that my daughter is a lesbian or that she’s straight. I know there’s a chance that she is not straight (say, 10%), and given that chance or any chance, I don’t want to put her in any boxes. I will probably end up placing enough expectations on her that this is one area where she should just be herself and never feel like she has to be anything but herself.
Unfortunately, there are plenty of times when she is boxed in, and we can’t always control these. People will ask us where we are *really* from, people will say hello to us in any variety of Asian languages, people make assumptions about her gender, her sexual orientation.
To me, these are all equally problematic. Sometimes they are just assumptions. Sometimes they are blantantly racist, sexist, heterosexist. I want to raise Tae to be able to challenge all of these assumptions - whether someone is asking her about where she is from or someone telling her about a boy she should date. I know that often issues of race and gender play out most prominently in how we experience oppression in the US. But, I think there’s an understanding to be gained from looking at -isms from all different sides. I thought I understood racism and sexism, but my perspective totally changed when I realized the privilege that I have as a straight woman. Learning how to be an ally to the LGBT community has given me a lot of perspective on what I should expect from white allies to communities of color or men who consider themselves feminists.
And for me, the best way that I can pass this on to Tae is to be a role model, to not make assumptions about who she is.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
dharmamama wrote:
I wonder how old your daughter is? I would imagine that saying she might not be straight led a lot of them to think you had a specific reason to think your child might be a lesbian, not that you were just trying to point out that groom’s offer to fix her up with a guy was heterosexist.
In the same situation, I might say something less specific to my child and more specific to the situation, such as, “That’s a rather heterosexist thing to say.”
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 7:33 am ¶
Lyonside wrote:
Thank you for pointing out the intersection of all these “-isms.” My husband has evolved into a GLBT ally (he has his unevolved moments, but like anyone with privilege, it’s a process). He’s even said things like, “Any future boyfriend, or girlfriend” about our infant kid. That’s leap years beyond his parents, and frankly, about 1/2 a leap year beyond my own.
You’re right in that society places enough boxes around children. I want our family and our household to be “safe spaces,” for our kids and their friends to just “be.” Heck, I need the safe space for myself and my family, and I can’t afford to make that space restrictive.
I’ve been in houses where I had to watch my adjectives, both as an adult and a child, and I’ve played the pronoun game more times than I can count. I never want to be the parent that kids have to say, “Now, watch what you say because mom/dad are a little…” [now, given, anyone’s talking about/ doing something illegal/dangerous, I better overhear something and get on top of that ;)]
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 8:12 am ¶
Natasha wrote:
I make no assumptions about my children’s sexuality (and they are all younger than six). When they’ve asked, “Can I marry my brother when I grow up?” We reply (honestly) that they can marry any man or woman they want to (if they choose to get married) as long as the person is NOT in their immediate family
We work hard to create a family space for our children where they can grow into whomever they want to be, where they can be comfortable with themselves and all parts of their identity, including their gender and sexuality. And I fiercely protest the ‘boxing’ that so many people want to do to my growing children.
Keep challenging the myriad of assumptions foisted upon your children eliaday. We’re working right beside you.
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 12:27 pm ¶
eliaday wrote:
My child is two, so hopefully not dating anytime soon. Or ever. =P
I want to challenge the idea that we first assume that everyone is straight. I don’t have any reason to “suspect” that my child is gay, other than the fact that she could be, just as anyone we meet could be. I hope that by passing this message on to her, that she will never make assumptions about anyone’s sexual orientation, and learn about the power of assumptions.
It’s hard sometimes, and maybe it won’t be easy for her either, but I’m ok with that…. I’m just waiting for the day when my child comes out to me… as straight!!
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 3:33 pm ¶
BlondebutBright wrote:
What a great response! It’s lighthearted, and hopefully it made some of them think. It’s so easy to let comments like that go by unnoticed - they aren’t meant to be harmful, but it also never hurts to call people on their assumptions.
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 1:51 am ¶
Kaywil wrote:
I’m expecting boy number three this summer and it seems that my children have already been married off (with or without my consent). So yes, it comes as a surprise when I say to people that they may not want to get married or may not be straight. It’s as if the entire room gasps (as you’ve expressed). But then again, where I’m from there’s gay marriage, so I sometimes play with people’s heads by saying that one of them may very well marry their boyfriend or girlfriend (I always wait for the gasps). Just my considering the possibilities seems to be interpreted as my cursing the kids. I don’t think it’s a curse not to be heterosexual…that comes with its own set of problems with masculinity for boys…especially those in minority groups.
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 8:21 am ¶
Patti wrote:
Now that my four year old daughter is asking many questions about who she can marry (including every family member and most of her friends) we have been pretty clear that love is love and it will be up to her to decide who she shares her life with. At this stage, it might be Elmo, but hopefully the message sticks.
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 9:52 am ¶