Antiracist Black Family Seeks Antiracist White Families for Friendship, Camaraderie and Fun (race unimportant)
by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Meera Bowman Johnson
Recently, for the first time in what felt like forever, my husband and I left a child’s birthday party feeling like we’d enjoyed it as much as our kids. According to him, it was the great conversation, but I know that was only just the half. Exiting down the long, wooded driveway, I wondered why this particular, wonderfully laid-back, family-style birthday party felt different than so many others we’d attended before, why my family felt so at home. And then it hit me: the hosts were antiracist. That’s rather rare where we live; I’m not saying most families up here are racist (at least not the ones we know) I just can’t say with any certainty that they’re not. The birthday boy’s parents might not even label themselves “antiracist” and there weren’t any diversity books or the like on the built-in shelves in their farmhouse or anything, I just had this nagging suspicion. If you asked them to define themselves, they’d probably say they were photographers before anything else…or former New Yorkers. Artists. Teachers. Parents. But just like a person of color can sometimes get a “feeling” that someone’s probably a bigot, I’m pretty sure these folks were also antiracist.
The first clue was the fact that they’d invited a diverse group of friends to celebrate their son’s milestone with them. In our group of friends, we’re generally the token blacks. It’s not an indictment of our social group, just the reality because of the demographic up here. I was very impressed by the fact that this particular family has lived in this homogeneous area for less than a year but managed to invite a variety of people of various ethnic backgrounds (both new friends and old) to their celebration. Unlike some folks I’ve heard about in the city, they weren’t trying to show off (“Look at our diverse group of friends! Look at how cool we are!”). It just seemed like the guest list was comprised of friends and family they felt would make their son’s special day complete (special bonus points for an adult, mixed race, cousin who came up from New York City to celebrate). In my opinion, a truly anti-racist family has friends that aren’t made up solely of one ethnic group — they make a conscious effort to expand their circle to include a diverse group of folks as possible. Not just for the kids’ sake, but for the family as a whole.
When we got home, I was struck with a wave of sadness that we wouldn’t have the chance to get to know them better, due to the fact that we’ll soon be relocating to Houston, Texas for my husband’s new job. I’m thrilled that my kids will know others kids of color (at five years old, my oldest daughter has never met an Asian child, Indian child or an African American boy, but living in Houston should rectify that), but I also hope that they’ll still have some white friends. The angst I once had over wondering if our kids would ever go to school with a diverse group of children (nonexistent up here) has now been replaced by new concerns which I know may be irrational, but 100% real. What if fellow ARP columnist, Karen Waldron and I are the only anti-racist moms in Houston, TX?
What if my family ends up in a subdivision where we’re flanked by not-so-anti-racist ( or just plain racist ) neighbors on both sides (as if the idea of a family of Obama supporters moving to a suburb in a red state doesn’t scare us enough)? And what if the new school our daughter will attend for the next year while look for a permanent home isn’t as good as it looks on paper (or online). Given its setting (downtown), its philosophy (progressive) and its demographics (mixed), we could easily find ourselves in a similar situation to what fellow ARP columnist Jae Ran Kim recently mentioned a place where parents of white children are happy to have their kids learning alongside students of color — provided that’s as far as it goes.
I guess there’s no such thing as utopia, but I always hoped that once we left our current location, my kids would grow up in a community where race doesn’t matter so much. Yet the more I talk with other parents and engage in conversations here at ARP, I realize that place might not exist. Even in a very diverse city like Houston, Texas (please, Karen, say it isn’t so!). I guess that’s neither here nor there for the moment. Right now, I need to worry about buying bubble wrap and the best way to make sure my Russell Wright pottery doesn’t get broken on the trip down. I need to make a trip to the Salvation Army to get rid of things I have no idea why I purchased to begin with. I need to hit up Target for trinkets to whip out on the plane ride so that the kids don’t get us thrown off before takeoff. In the scheme of things, there are several, gargantuan fish to fry, at least in the time being. So I’ll try not to stress so much. I’ll just hope that if we’re lucky, we’ll know plenty of white people who don’t have a lawn jockey on their lawn — or the best case scenario: they know better.
Meera Bowman Johnson is a freelance writer and full time mom who is also the former Associate Art Director of Essence Magazine. Her work has been featured in HealthQuest: The Publication of Black Wellness, Code: The Style Magazine for Men of Color, Black Issues Book Review, Mommy Too! Magazine and Honey. She lives with her husband, Mat Johnson, and their three children in Annandale-on-Hudson, New York. Her online alter ego, Mrs. J, blogs about race, pop-culture and parenting.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
Jessicahtx wrote:
OK! Houston is not THAT BAD!!! You will find many of us anti-racist folks here. I’d be happy to help you find some great places to live, socialize, set up shop…whatever. Please email me. Houston is no NY, but it has a lot of really nice things about it. You will find many things in Houston that will surprise you. Good luck with your move!
Posted 13 Jun 2007 at 8:09 am ¶
Dawn wrote:
I wish you the best with your move. I think you captured all the angst I have been feeling as my husband’s employer contemplates relocation. Here’s to finding, a great home, great schools, and great friends of all races and cultures!
Posted 13 Jun 2007 at 9:43 am ¶
SF Mom wrote:
Hey Mrs. J,
I would bet there are folks you will enjoy there and that you will find them - maybe they’ll find you! Goodness knows they’re lucky to have you. And that other, yucky stuff, I’m sure it’ll be there too. It’s everywhere (but I did hear everything’s bigger in TX).
Best of luck with the big move. I am so impressed with how you have it all handled, even down to the plane toys!
Posted 13 Jun 2007 at 11:28 am ¶
JaeRan wrote:
Isn’t it just amazing to find yourself in a situation like what you described? I find that when I’m in these moments, I leave realizing that I haven’t been holding my breath for the entire afternoon. I’ve relaxed!
I hope you do find a community that is full of anti-racist parents. It took me a while to find some and it changed my life.
Posted 13 Jun 2007 at 1:40 pm ¶
Heza Hekele wrote:
I feel for you. I have similar concerns with my own son. We live in one of the most diverse and accepting Nations in the world (Canada), but I still stress over there not being enough diversity in his school and/or social settings. The reality is, that our town, despite its diversity, has visible minorities and my child is not one of them. After wrestling with my own thoughts a good long time, I come to a conclusion: Our reality is not only what is imposed upon us, but also what we appose upon it. My child, despite the amount of pigment in his skin, is a member of the human race. End of story. All of his classmates are members of the same race. By having this attitude, and behaving in accordance, my example will have a larger bearing on my child than anything I could ever say to him.
I know that in my child’s latter years, there will be much traveling, throughout the world and my family will one day be expanded through international adoption (an intention I have had since before my child was ever conceived); these plans, however, are many years away, so, for now, my own attitude and actions are my strongest suite when it comes to being an antiracist parent.
Posted 13 Jun 2007 at 2:58 pm ¶
LM wrote:
Meera, you write that “a truly anti-racist family” makes “a conscious effort to expand their circle to include a diverse group of folks as possible.”
I’d alter that slightly… to me a truly anti-racist family includes a diverse group of folks in its circle somewhat unconsciously. Are my glasses too rose-colored?
Best of luck with the move to Houston.
Posted 13 Jun 2007 at 8:12 pm ¶
dharmamama wrote:
“to me a truly anti-racist family includes a diverse group of folks in its circle somewhat unconsciously. Are my glasses too rose-colored?”
I’m sure that there are places where people of all races mix freely and frequently. Unfortunately, where we live is not one of them. Our medium-sized Midwestern city doesn’t really have any truly mixed neighborhoods. So for us, we do have to make a conscious effort to reach out to people of other races.
I think that we live in a society where people still segregate and self-segregate, so for many of us, consciously choosing to do something about it is how we are anti-racist.
Posted 13 Jun 2007 at 9:16 pm ¶
Kim wrote:
“…to me a truly anti-racist family includes a diverse group of folks in its circle somewhat unconsciously. Are my glasses too rose-colored?”
Not at all.
While it would be nice to have a diverse group of cultural/ethnic backgrounds present and making an appearance -and impact- where one’s friends gather, true as the comment above, it is not always easy to have such.
Where one finds all of those gathered walk to some ’script’ of being politically/culturally/ideologically prim and correct - in mixed company - even if they ‘look’ different from each other, how much diversity is in the room?
I have found that where there are diverse experiences, where there is a wealth of distinction in those experiences, and the bounty of such diversity an ease of being and of welcoming others into one’s circle ( which comes from being truly open, attentive, respectful, a little gay and able to infuse a little of the wry, keen eye necessary for honest conversation), there is diversity in the room; in the circle.
And I guess I’m saying such people will find each other, be drawn to each other. Otherwise, it seems forced and disingenuous.
Alas, I’d have to spin backwards in time to touch palm to palm with those I once knew and would label as such (diverse, open, intelligent, attentive) but the moments when one does have the “aha!” experience that Meera spoke of, are delectable, and indelible.
Posted 14 Jun 2007 at 12:00 am ¶
Txn too wrote:
“a truly anti-racist family has friends that aren’t made up solely of one ethnic group — they make a conscious effort to expand their circle.”
This is the tight rope I feel like I am always walking on as we expand our circle of friends.
It is easy where I live in Texas to interact with people of different races, especially cultures since many are new Americans or haven’t received citizenship yet. Like most friendships, it does take some effort to turn an acquaintance into a friend, but how do we know if we are making token friends or not? Some undercurrent you need a friend of color with a sonar to read for you?
I am consciously creating a community of friends for my family like many I have lived in before. Our PTA is trying to figure out why it is so white when we have a mix of races at our school. We are moving overseas to give our family a chance to live in the minority and get comfortable with cultures different than ours. What is right and what is wrong? Watching my white friends who unconsciously, but constantly gravitate towards people like them does give me some comfort as I think about my own motives. God I hope my community of friends don’t feel like tokens, but looking around at our get-togethers makes me think they don’t.
Posted 14 Jun 2007 at 9:54 am ¶
Green SAHM wrote:
Best of luck with the move. I hope your new neighborhood is a wonderful place for your family. I’ve found it occasionally hard in my area to expand my kids’ experiences with children of other races, but it’s not too bad. My daughter’s favorite playmate was adopted from India (I think), so I hope she continues on that path of choosing friends without worrying about race.
Posted 14 Jun 2007 at 1:30 pm ¶
Sue S wrote:
Hi, I would love to be your friend. I am in Connecticut but in this day and age, e-mail can be better than the telephone. I beleive in what Henz H said in her comment number 5 above. We are all of the Human Race period. I beleive so much in this theory that I wrote a book titled, People Aren’t Black, People Are Human. Please keep your head up even through the toughest times, we as anti-racist are all the hope we have of a better future for our children. Moving is way hard so please lean on us through your transition. Sue
Posted 15 Jun 2007 at 10:59 am ¶
Carmen Van Kerckhove wrote:
Sue,
I noticed on your web site that you describe your son as “mulatto.”
Just so you know, this is a pretty antiquated term that many multiracial folks find offensive, since it has rather racist origins. See this article:
http://www.popmatters.com/features/040706-mulatto.shtml
“The children of “blacks” and “whites” — should they, God forbid, ever take it into their heads to interbreed — would naturally be sterile and aberrant, hence, “mules.”"
I think of the word “mulatto” as being in a similar category to words like “Oriental” or “Negro.” They are not racial slurs, exactly, but just extremely antiquated and probably not the best terms to use.
Posted 15 Jun 2007 at 12:46 pm ¶
Meera Bowman-Johnson wrote:
Hi everyone, thanks for helping to ease my anxiety about the move! I’m truly looking forward to meeting many new like minded families in our new communitydown in Houston and here at ARP.
LM - I don’t think your glasses are too rose colored at all - I just think that most people tend to gravitiate toward folks who are most similar to them, so it takes a little effort to step outside of one’s comfort zone.
Hi Carmen - *Some* mixed people I know have reappropriated the word “mulatto” and now use it to describe themselves and other black/white mixed people (eg. “David Blaine is one attention-starved mulatto. I can’t claim him anymore…”). But I’m not mentioning any names
Posted 15 Jun 2007 at 3:07 pm ¶
Carmen Van Kerckhove wrote:
Meera - true. But it’s obviously not a word I would encourage non-mixed folks to use with abandon.
And yes, he is attention-starved. LOL!
Posted 15 Jun 2007 at 3:53 pm ¶
Dana Hoey wrote:
Darn, can’t believe we’ll miss the chance to know you up here in the Hudson Valley. We threw that party and I got a bit choked up when I read your description of it. I’m not immune to self-consciousness about race and ethnicity, (I thought “&^%##%$^#, somebody is going to think we are trying to be cool with this party list). We weren’t, or were we? Hard to know. It was a great party for us not least because you mentioned how you were writing how kid parties are “work”. This kind of honesty relaxes me! Anyway can the gorgeous J come over for one last visit with my boy? Dana
Posted 17 Jun 2007 at 7:39 am ¶
Kim wrote:
Dana…
That collage function at your site is waaaay cool.
Posted 17 Jun 2007 at 1:29 pm ¶
Alana wrote:
I’ve been in Houston for about 2 years now with my 6 year old multiracial son. I would love to share my insights with you. The best thing is that I found (with help) an excellent public school for my son with an extremely diverse population. Please email me and I’ll give you the details if you’re interested.
Posted 18 Jun 2007 at 7:38 pm ¶
Angel wrote:
Hey there! We live in a suburb of Houston and just love it. There are of course the typical issues…”Are you going to have any more of your own children” questions and stuff like that. I always CRINGE inside when I get that question. :0( Overall it’s mostly unintentional. We have a wonderful community who have been crazy supportive of our family.
I would love to have a get together of the area “anti-racist parents.” I have so much to learn and would love to have some families with the same heart. I am just now learning the ropes.
When I read your comments about community I kind of panicked. I thought “OH NO! I wonder if we have a diverse group of friends?” What’s kind of funny is that when I started thinking through it we have a lot of friends from different cultures. I just never really thought about it.
I think that is part of my challenge really. I am apparently very naive. I was raised in a very color blind family. I had no concept of race or color. I truly never even thought about it till I was much older and heard people commenting on it. My friends were all different shades of beautiful and I didn’t know the difference.
Imagine my shock and disgust when my social worker told me about the great need for families willing to adopt African American newborns in the UNITED STATES! WHAT?? I told her that I had always heard there was a wait in the US for healthy babies. She looked at me like you poor, sweet little dumb girl. ( she is awesome by the way) She informed me of the sad truth.
So here I am. I have so much to learn and don’t know how to say anything right or even be super politically correct cause I NEVER cared about race. I know though that people in our society care and I have to be a great parent to raise our children in this environment. That means being educated and prepared.
So here goes. I am so glad for this blog and others who speak frankly about these issues. We have adopted an older little princess from Guatemala and will soon adopt domestically. We will adopt an African American infant as our agency has a desperate need in this area.
I quake in my boots just writing about race issues on my blog. I’m always afraid I’ll say something idiotic. I’m sure I have already! Let’s hope I have a good learning curve!
Anyway, sorry I am rambling. Welcome to the Lone Star State!!! YEE HAW and all that. You are gonna love the Mexican Food and BBQ. You will ADORE the wonderful mix of cultures. You are gonna HATE the heat and mosquitos.
That’s all. I wrote a whole durn book. :0)
Angel
Posted 07 Aug 2007 at 12:45 am ¶
Nell wrote:
How refreshing to read that I’m not the only mother in the world who wonders about these things! I’m white and my husband is black. We have a five year old girl. We lived in Illinois for our whole lives, Chicago area, and Central IL . We though we’d picked the most diverse place we could find to raise our child. We had friends of all backgrounds. Our neighborhood was diverse. We picked the most multi-cultural preschool with a matching ideology to ours. Then we were forced into a relocation to West Virginia. I panicked. Would all of our planning be for nought? Why did this have to happen just when kindergarten was about to start. How could I find a neighborhood and school to fit our needs in a state I had to look at the map to find?
We searched high and low, drove the realtor crazy, and I interviewed staff at seven different elementary schools. I also found my church and asked several families like ours what neighborhoods were best for our needs. I have to say, that we were very surprised to find that here in West Virginia we have friendlier neighbors than we’ve ever had. We are more comfortable and almost every place is diverse. It is the oddity if it isn’t. It’s all a matter of degree. Her elementary school is 22% minority and is the top scoring school in the state. We didn’t even know that when we chose the neighborhood, it just felt right, but then again not much around her feels wrong. I didn’t realize that one of the reasons I felt so concious of finding a non-racist place is because we were living in a racist place. Like you said, no one was “RACIST” but they were not Anti-racist. It is the subtle racism or classism or sexism that you can’t ever be sure of that really drive you crazy. There were always those parents who told their kids “they didn’t have time to host playdates” and people who asked lots of questions but never volunteered information about themselves. I know I know none of that proves anything but it’s that feeling. You know the feeling. It’s not the isolated incident it’s the daily incidents. It all adds up to years of being on the outside looking in. Never getting that good job, or that job period. Never getting that promotion. My husband got his first promotion in 19 years here in West Virginia. They asked him why he hadn’t been promoted long ago. Moving to West Virginia has been the best thing that ever happened to our family. I don’t know if we’ll get to stay here or not, but I know this. I”ll never assume that I have to settle for what we had before. I know there is better out there. Utopia, no, but better than what we were allowed to think was as good as it could get.
Posted 20 Sep 2007 at 9:39 am ¶