Just For Me Texture Softener targets white parents of black and multiracial girls at Anti-Racist Parent - for parents committed to raising children with an anti-racist outlook

Just For Me Texture Softener targets white parents of black and multiracial girls

by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Dawn Friedman

One of the first things I learned when my husband and I, both white people, began to explore adopting a child of African descent is that there would be a major curve for us to get educated about caring for a texture of hair unfamiliar to us. At the time, I thought the hair care was just about getting the hang of it — learning to use the right comb, learning to make a straight part, learning to make braids that aren’t lumpy. But as it turns out there’s whole other curve, which is figuring out what Madison’s hair means and what her hair says about us, about her, and about her place in the African American community and what messages we send her as we care for it.

White parents of black kids seem to be having a tough time of it. I see it all the time at our grocery or library — brown-skinned little girls holding the hands of white mamas and with hair that is dry and frizzy, pulled into a tight ponytail. Or wearing a halo of blurry fuzz that bears little resemblance to the wild, but well-defined curls of Corbin Bleu. I understand that we white mothers are often working at a disadvantage but it’s the state of our children’s hair that’s suffering for our ignorance. I have heard more than one black woman say, “If I see a biracial child whose hair is a mess, I know it’s her mother who’s white.”

Alberto-Culver, surely seeing the same sad fuzzy “styles” that I’m seeing, has figured out that we’re a market and they’ve created an ad campaign specifically targeted to us.

The product, Soft & Beautiful Just For Me Texture Softener, is intended as an alternative to hair pressing or relaxing. It launched last spring as an extension of A-C’s larger Soft & Beautiful brand of relaxers and related products for children from 4 to 11 years old. …Just For Me Texture Softener, in this initial marketing phase, is going after parents of girls from multiethnic or biracial backgrounds–specifically, “white moms who have black daughters, blood related or adopted–which is an underserved market,” said a public relations rep for Soft & Beautiful at A-C’s agency M Strategies, Dallas, Texas.

…

“If your mom is struggling to comb your hair–which is even more likely if she doesn’t have the same hair and doesn’t know how to deal with it–that imparts a negative feeling for the child and the mom also needs a boost of confidence,” she said.

–source: MediaPost Publications

There are three questions I had after reading this. The first, who knew we were a market? Second, is the answer to our struggle with our kids’ hair to “soften” with chemicals? And the third, is the way to market those chemicals is to make it a self-esteem issue?

On the Texture Softener site, the company promotes their “Advice for Moms” section with a pop-up right at the front. This part of the site details the ways our children’s hair is tied to their feelings of self-worth, cautioning, “Your daughter’s hair is unmistakably linked to her self-image and self-esteem. If she feels her hair is a problem, she will also think there is a problem with her image. If she believes her hair is beautiful, she will believe she is beautiful. Your little girl will take her cues from you, her mother. Be careful not to inadvertently pass on negative feelings through the frustrations of everyday grooming.” The solution? Change the texture of your daughter’s hair to make it easier to style. In other words, the problem is not with white parents who aren’t learning to manage their children’s hair — the problem is with the texture of that hair and so the solution is to change it.

Now I know that relaxing a child’s hair (although the company hastens to explain that this is a texture softener and is an alternative to harsh relaxers) is controversial in the black community and not just in the white moms with black kids community. I’m remembering a conversation I once read on the Nappturality forums when a member said that she thought it was ironic that so many white moms with black kids came to the forum to learn to do their children’s hair “right” but that too many black mothers did it wrong, i.e., not naturally. Yeah, pretty ironic and it underlines, I believe, that we white moms are making decisions without really getting the nuances of the cultural conversation. (My bias is for natural hair but I understand that I have a limited understanding of why many black woman do not choose to do natural hair.)

As my blogging friend Liana wrote on my entry about this topic, “The fact of the matter is that MOST black women do not do their hair naturally. When was the last time you saw a newscaster with natural hair? They are all permed. … When I dared suggest that I might let my kid’s hair loc, [my mother] lambasted me most furiously and made it clear that she would cut them out when I was asleep. This hair thing in the black community is powerful. I often liken it to white women’s issue with weight. Hair is our neurosis, but we come by it honestly.”

So then maybe a texture softener is a reasonable answer for some white moms who are struggling with their children’s hair and can’t figure out how to keep it healthy and style it attractively. If mom is cussing and fussing trying to drag a comb through it, what kind of message does that send? Especially if mom is white and her hair is kink-free. As Liana points out, “I think that what is different is that with a black mother, the kid sees that the mother is going through the same drama with her hair as does the child. In white households this is NOT the case. (And please don’t tell me about bad perms, frizziness and such, because this is not the same). The white mother’s hair is done much easier and the kid begins to long for hair like the mom and perceives her own hair as bad.”

That gave me a lot to think about. While my own feelings about caring for my daughter’s curls are unchanged, was I being too harsh on the company for rejecting their campaign outright?

I don’t think so. I think there’s a difference between a black woman softening the texture of her black child’s hair and a white woman making that same choice. My daughter does not have a black role model living in her house. In our family, white is the default. I think I need to work harder to help her see that she is OK just as she is — that her skin and hair are beautiful. If black children in black families are struggling to understand that Black is Beautiful, how much harder it is for my daughter with a white mother, whom she loves and wants to emulate? Shannon, a fellow white mom of a black daughter, talks about the importance of “direct socialization” in their family to counteract the messages her daughter gets everywhere else.

The Texture Softener people may have figured out that the best way to market to our “under-served” market is to tie their products in with self-esteem and with direct socialization (”Proactively talk about loving your daughter’s hair”). But I strongly disagree with their campaign: telling my daughter that I love her hair while I’m putting chemicals on it to fundamentally change it is a mixed message I don’t want to send. She is not beautiful DESPITE her curls; she is beautiful in part because of them. She is a whole package of perfection just as she is. Should she choose to change her hair when she’s older and cognizant of the broader social impact of her decisions, so be it; I will support her. But as long as I’m calling the shots, we’ll stick with daily conditioner, a wide-toothed comb and lots of clips to adore her. Those chemicals can just stay on the grocery shelf.

What do you all think?

Dawn Friedman is a writer and mother to two children. Her articles have appeared in Salon.com, Yoga Journal, Brain Child and the Greater Good and she is the op-ed editor at Literary Mama. She is also the founder of OpenAdoptionSupport.com and since the adoption of her daughter in 2004 has become passionate about the need for adoption reform. She blogs at this woman’s work.

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Comments

Denise wrote:

Great post. I have a son, but can still relate, as he is old enough to have a preference about his hair style. It was an effort to find out what ‘worked’ with his hair, and doing his hair (It’s in twists at the moment, we are debating locs) takes a good amount of sit down time for us both. But it is worth it to see how happy he is to look good, and it is worth it to me to get comments on “who does his hair?” A couple of AA moms at his tae-kwon-do class asked this, and were shocked that I did it myself. It led to a great discussion on hair and products that I am not sure they would have started had they not known I wanted to make the effort to learn.

The other plus is the built in bonding time doing my son’s hair gives us. I have 3 other boys, but they are bio and white. I don’t think anything would get them to sit with me for 2 straight hours one on one.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 11:48 am ¶
Jessalyn Anglin wrote:

I think another important fact that this campaign ignores is that not all biracial hair is the same. Just like all Caucasian hair and all African American hair, the hair of biracial children varies greatly from one child to the next. “One product fits all” doesn’t work for biracial hair any better than it would for any other kind of hair. Biracial children have hair of varying textures and varying needs. This campaign follows the assumption that all biracial children have the same hair needs. They don’t.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 11:54 am ¶
Hilary wrote:

Great post and commentary. I have two boys with stick straight hair, so I am commenting as an outsider.

I understand how wraught with significance the discussion is and how important it is that moms, especially moms who have straight, soft hair, take the time to figure out not just the logistics of their daughters’ kinky hair if they have a daughter with different hair than theirs but also the social issues underlying how she cares for it.

I would like to point out that maybe it is not an either / or proposition. I am all for natural, I definitely havea hippie bend. But, I went through a “phase” (hah, it is reemerging!) of bleaching, dyeing, and cutting my hair in various hairstyles. One thing I luke about hair is that it is temporary. It grows back.

I understand the implications of telling your daughter her hair is prettier or easier to deal with when it is straighter like mommy’s may be an issue. But, is there room for saying, women have many options for styling their hair, and many black women like you chose to straighten it occassionally? And you can discuss how it is not prettier because it is like mommy’s hair or other white women’s hair, but that it is a choice she has, one that involves processing and may damage her hair and possibly reject a little bit of her natural beauty.

I do not think straightened hair and natural hair are mutually exclusive, if you look at it over time. I think you can have dredlocks for a while, and when gramma sneaks in and cuts them off, you can try the relaxer, see what you think, then go to puffs in a few months and see what they’re like!

If you have a concious open discussion about the messages, maybe it’s not an either / or issue, but a learning oppourtunity.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 12:11 pm ¶
dawn wrote:

I absolutely support BOTH my children making their own decisions about their hair but when they are too young to have a say, I won’t chemically change it. I would not, say, bleach my son’s hair to make his blue eyes stand out more nor would I loosen my daughter’s curls because it appealed more to *me*. What my kids do when they’re old enough to make decisions is up to them.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 12:31 pm ¶
Kim wrote:

Dawn- yes, this is so loaded.

My two cents: I’ve never heard Black folks’ hair called curly in any serious manner. Is that what you hear on a regular basis?

I think it funny, because of connotation and denotation, actually. While curly MAY be a subset of that which I see on the main, the Jersey-inflected COILY might be closer to the truth. And I take it nappy, thank you, reclaiming that shame from anyone who would seek to have me hang my head.

But, it is true (tell all your friends), even the strands of hair are different, handle different care methods and temperatures, differently.

Finally, I’m with you on the going natural aspect. Even, and maybe especially, within the context of maintaining and fostering a child’s self-esteem.

This is one of those instances where White folk will have to walk into the ‘discomfort zone,’ and have that internal conversation whereby all the attendant images and thoughts associated with ‘nappy’ hair sail by their eyes, and awaken any scathing memories that lay deep in the unconscious. (I’m assuming what gets said ‘on the Black side’ in private, and in one’s youth, is shared in sentiment and expression ‘on the White side’.)

It could only help to prepare mothers for facing the probing, rude comments and inquiries that will beset them, both externally and internally, and ease both mother and daughter toward being able to give full, genuine, appreciative expression to the younger’s blooming, beautiful, Black female body as it matures into Black woman - a terrain so fraught with historical, psychological and emotional landmines and assaults that a good defense is the only offense.

Besides…do it while she’s young (read: under 8), because they try to take the brush away from you by then, anyway.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 12:33 pm ¶
dawn wrote:

My daughter’s hair is very very curly (there is no kinky to it yet and who knows if there will be - she’s just three). People usually say this is because she’s biracial and it could be but her hair is very similar to her grandmother’s on her maternal side who is fully African American. I believe that this product is particularly marketed to softer textures of hair (though the parent company does produce stronger relaxers for kinkier hair).

Her first mom cut off her relaxed hair this last summer and now sports a gorgeous, gorgeous set of natural twists (after celebrating a beautiful small afro over the winter). I can with absolute assurance say that Jessica would KILL me if I tried to change the texture of Madison’s hair!!! Thankfully we’re on the same page with this. But I remember when Madison was teensy and her hair was straight and Jessica would check her hair every time she visited, watching for her curl to come in. When it did she said, “Oh I think she’s going to have *good* hair!” And I said, “Isn’t it all good hair?” (Quoting the book) and Jessica gave me a wry look then laughed because even though we both say it’s all good hair, I say it with all the naivete of my privilege.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 12:44 pm ¶
orrielynn wrote:

this being an antiracist forum, i am going to say that i dont appreciate the comments about “white folk” and their “memories.”

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 12:59 pm ¶
Kohana wrote:

This discussion is all about girls but for me it brings to mind a similar issue reguarding boys of African descent being raised by white mothers (or parents). I know several transracial adoptive families that keep their sons’ hair very short. They either don’t want the hassle of braids, locks, or cornrows, or don’t see those hairstyles as attractive. Those of us with boys may be having a similar hair struggle but instead of the options being to alter the hair, learn to style it well, or let it go wild, our options are cut it all off, learn to style it well, or let it go wild. No one thinks twice if you keep a boy’s hair short to avoid the work, but if you treat a girl’s hair, there is more conversation around it. Just a thought. I’m working on some long, luscious hair on my son. I might cut it in the future, but I’m doing my best with it long for the time being.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 1:04 pm ¶
orrielynn wrote:

i am just wondering what religious caucasian jewish adoptors of african american male babies do. it is a tradition for some to wait to cut the boys hair till he is three. unless they just do what parents of black female children do.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 1:15 pm ¶
dawn wrote:

Kohana, I think that standards are different geographically, too. Here in Columbus, OH friends of ours were adamantly told NOT to cornrow their elementary-age son’s hair because it has negative connotations and may cause trouble for their son. (The black parents giving this advice said that it would make their son a target by both white and black people who would associate the hairstyle with “thugs” — not my word.) This may not be true in other communities. Also, I have seen one girl-child with locs (by child I mean younger than 12) and that child had a white mother but when I was in Boston, I saw kids of both genders with beautifully loc’d hair.

All of this to say that my biases as a white woman trying to figure out my child’s hair are operating in a different context and so I rely on African American women living in this community to help me figure it out. This means I have to be willing to ask questions and to take criticism. My daughter’s sitter is wonderfully polite but always finds a way to let me know when Madison’s hair is not quite up to par and she is also open to my direct questions. When I asked her about locs on girls in this town she (and her own hair is natural) was horrified that anyone would want to do that. “That’s PERMANENT,” she said. “Why would anyone do that???” Again, I think that’s the broad standards of this city. (I love locs myself but it’s clear that even if Madison’s hair could hold them, it’s not a choice I could make for her here without visiting unintended consequences on her.)

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 1:15 pm ¶
Shelli wrote:

Orrielyn - as a relatively religious white Jewish parent of a beautiful African American daughter, we will not cut her hair until she is three. The same would be true for a boy.

We wash, condition, and oil her hair, but that’s about it.

We are all about natural.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 1:28 pm ¶
orrielynn wrote:

i know my sister waited three years to cut my nephews’ hair. i didnt know that was true of girls, as well.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 1:33 pm ¶
Julie wrote:

This is such a complex topic, Dawn. Hair, and physical beauty in general, is such a trap for black girls and women. We are simply not valued as we are (and the darker and nappier we are, the worse it is). Companies like “Just for Me” make a ton of money from that simple fact. I completely agree that you should do whatever you can to give your little girl the message that she is beautiful just as she is — no chemicals required!

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 2:05 pm ¶
Kim wrote:

orrielynn –

I’ve decided that this being an anti-racist forum, to speak to the racism and racist remarks that are deeply embedded in the rearing and caring of our youth. I used to be one of those youth, and while I was smacked for the one and only comment I ever made that pointed out a cultural justification for racial discrimination (a school yard hand-clap game ending, “step back white boy, you don’t shine…) I heard them swirling about all the time. Still do.

The ‘white memories’ comment has to be put out there, and how to do it than with the hacksaw? Are there no Whites with memories (read: the way you were socialized to speak and believe, though not what you necessarily practice or indulge in now, being anti-racist and all) of scathing, uncharitable, racist remarks that were bandied about, or said with a nudge, or whispered and accompanied by the pointed finger in the school hall, or in public?

Why dance around the vicious truths that brought us all here in the first place? To find people and ideas that support the new selves we have DECIDED to be, despite what we may have been trained to be when we were young?
*******
Julie:

‘Companies like “Just for Me” ‘ ought to be boycotted out of business. But, you know, that’s just my opinion.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 2:40 pm ¶
Maria wrote:

Although I can see the concern for racism by having a target market, I think they have a right to advertise how they see fit, their success will be gauged according to how people interput the advertising. My 6 year old wants me to buy anything on TV that says it’s ‘the best”. The ads for diet pills/shakes, and diet dinners that make you look like Barbie (black or white) aren’t any better for anyone’s self esteem if you ask me.

However I am glad to see this post. My MIL told me “you better have a boy - white girls don’t know how to do black hair” Which may be very true - but can’t we learn? Is it that impossible? My daughter will be born in about 10 weeks so I have time to “learn” and I was wondering what kind of a reception I would get one day by bringing her into a salon for “black hair” if I need to… I suppose I have some time before I know if I “Need to”. Fortuneately, my husband is someone I lovingly refer to as “metro” - he cares for himself in a stylish manner which included his hair at one time before he decided he wanted to be bald - so, he’s got my back on products!

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 4:21 pm ¶
Kaywil wrote:

Not all countries with blacks (especially black majority populations) are as ashamed of black hair as America is. Perhaps it’s time to look at other regions of the world and see how they deal with beauty and the forever infiltrating “white beauty” image. It’s not always accepted and is shown in the number of adults who wear their hair natural.

Another note, black Americans have learned how to comb their hair through the lens of ‘whiteness’, which is mixed with a lot of shame. Trying to comb/brush your hair the same way that straight-haired people do is beyond silly - to watch it is like observing envy in action (…if only my hair was straight, then…). If the roles were reversed, and straight hair was not beautiful, they would avoid the rain too, especially after spending all week trying to get it to have some texture and curl.

Black hair is what I call “community hair”. It doesn’t fair well in this individualistic society where families live in different states and careers take you miles and miles away from familiarity (it’s not always that way, mind you, but it is undeniably an individualistic society). Community hair means you have days in the week where all of the “village” women get together to do the children’s hair and other women’s hair. It doesn’t need to be washed every day because, sorry to get technical, smaller sebaceous glans or one sebaceous gland (instead of two) does not produce heavy amounts of oil. It is braided and styled for the week. It is shaped and molded in fixed positions as crowns on one’s head. It does not flap in the wind. It does not swing and blow into one’s face.

But, in a society where we’re rushing every day, losing more hours to the office, collapsing on vacation from working too damn hard over the past year, of course it would seem “easier” to have hair that the society supports. That hair is not community hair. We could not have days of the week off for personal grooming…that would be “bad for business”. So, we conform, and continue to be ashamed of the hair that is not supported in this society.

Maybe we should lobby for 30-hour work weeks and 6 weeks vacation, like in France!

Very long winded…I know.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 4:22 pm ¶
SF Mom wrote:

I agree with Kaywil, there’s nothing wrong with setting aside a day to take down and rebraid hair, and I love that time with my daughter. Or we have braiding playdates with a couple of other moms and daughters. But plenty of folks feel like it’s too much time.
Dawn, here’s the strange part: Although I have no interest in the product at all and wouldn’t put chemicals on my daughter’s hair, the ad for this product has caught my eye many times! Something about the pictures, or the soft waves… I’m their target demographic and it’s strangely attractive to me! Aack!

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 4:56 pm ¶
orrielynn wrote:

kim:

i believe any assumptions about any group are racist assumptions.
i dont think we will get anywhere if we dont attempt to avoid all generalizations about all groups.
my husband works for a human rts organization. discrimination against whites is no longer reverse discrimination, it is just discrimination.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 5:24 pm ¶
dawn wrote:

Kaywil, I love that term “community hair.” I think that’s really a beautiful way of putting it!

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 5:53 pm ¶
Kim wrote:

orrielynn:

did you actually read what I wrote? did you see the parity in the racist acts and terms attributed to both groups?

do you not even want those terms and acts referred to? to what end?

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 6:09 pm ¶
orrielynn wrote:

kim:

most people who make racist comments rationalize them. i think thats what you are doing. and for the record, if you continue speaking to me this way, i will not continue this conversation.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 8:28 pm ¶
Lyonside wrote:

Orrielynn: I understand Kim’s initial comment re: white people having a “discomfort zone” with kinky African-textured hair as a generalization - but you seem to be taking this as a HUGE racist affront against white people. She generalized, sure, so call her out on it. But calling her a racist just isn’t productive and derails discussion. When she explained herself a bit, you are still responding as if Kim said, “All you white people hate black hair!” (um, she didn’t).

Saying “if you continue, I will not continue this conversation” is a conversation ender, the equivalent of “I’m taking my ball and going home.” May I suggest conversation starters like, Hey, I’m a white person who can sympathize with what my black friends go through? Or, I don’t think all white people think that, they just don’t know. You know, something constructive?

Honestly, most white people (and actually, anyone without that type of textured hair) I know are NOT familiar with African-textured hair, and DON”T understand the social/political implications, and DON’T understand how it can be cared for, unless that person was raised with friends or family who had that texture hair, unless they sat in salons with them and saw what people go through. To say that is NOT racist.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 9:06 pm ¶
Kim wrote:

Orrielynn,

we were hardly having a conversation.

You were ducking and weaving, and I sought to engage you. Good-bye and goodluck.

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 9:38 pm ¶
Liana wrote:

Hey Dawn,

Cool! I got quoted in your article. Excellent!

Hair remains a political issue in our community and it is hard for people who haven’t lived our experience to understand what the issue is. Have you ever read the book, Hair Story: Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America, by Ayana Byrd and Lori Tharps? Our black women’s book club read it and thought it spoke honestly about the problems we have with our hair.

Another good one is Hair Raising: Beauty, Culture, and African American Women by Noliwe Rooks.
Ain’t I A Beauty Queen?: Black Women, Beauty, and the Politics of Race, by Maxine Leeds Craig.
I also liked this one: Tenderheaded: A Comb-Bending Collection of Hair Stories, by Pamela Johnson

Posted 12 Mar 2007 at 11:58 pm ¶
Amy wrote:

I live in a very “white state” where I knew two bi-racial boys my whole schoollife. I was a house parent in a group home for abused and neglected girl. We had placed in our home a “brown girl” (her own term) from inner city New Jersey (the family had moved here, had problems here so she ended up in a group home here). I had no idea what to do with her hair, and when her daily showering and hairwashing was destroying her hair I went to a salon that specialized in her hair type. The stylist was awesome! Gave me tons of tips and a list of product. This little girls hair was transformed in two weeks of proper care, and I even learned how to do a mean set of box braids. Her behavior changed dramatically as her hair changed. She obviously appreicated the attention, and at 7 years old had learned, in her culture, the importance of her hair. Having that stripped from her during the few weeks I cared for her as a “white child” was dramatic, but her seeing my willingness to learn bonded us in a way nothing else could. To say nothing for the relationship it afforded with her family, and under such strained circumstances, even. I so often want to walk up to white women in the store who have bi-racial/black girls, especially, and tell them all I learned…Your post brought back some great memories of this spunky little girl!

Posted 13 Mar 2007 at 12:14 am ¶
Denise wrote:

Amy, what a cool story! And about walking up to people… why not. As a white mom of a black son, I know I would appreciate it, but I can imagine if I had a daughter, I would appreciate it even more. I do love the bonding time doing hair has given me with my son.

Posted 13 Mar 2007 at 7:31 am ¶
dawn wrote:

I have read Tender Headed and Hairy Story, (which I loved) but I’ll put the others on my list. Thank you!!

Posted 13 Mar 2007 at 10:37 am ¶
amy wrote:

I’ve gotten to see the results of this exact situation first hand. My husband’s youngest sister is adopted. She was raised from birth by his family (she was brought to them as a foster baby at 3 days old.) She is black, and his family is white. She has very kinky hair, even for a black person. When I met her she was 10 and she hate, hate, hated her hair. All she talked about was wanting to have soft hair like us (her sisters and I.) The first time my best friend met her (my best friend is black) she almost drug her from the house to a hair salon. She volunteered several times to do her hair, then talked her parents into promising to take her to a hair salon at least every two weeks to have her hair done. Sometimes she gets it straightened, other times braids, etc. She usually goes every 2 weeks (unless she has braids) and I haven’t heard her comment on her hair in years now. I think it’s really helped for her to go to a salon full of women with hair like hers and not only get her hair done, but to watch other women/girls get their hair done. It’s no longer some foreign process for her.

Posted 13 Mar 2007 at 11:07 am ¶
Kim wrote:

amy…

“very kinky hair, even for a black person.”

Damn, dang, darn it. Damn.

email me, got some pics for you: afroceltclan

I use yahoo/trying to beat out the spammers.

Posted 13 Mar 2007 at 2:06 pm ¶
Julie wrote:

Maria: I’ve seen plenty of white moms who do just fine (thank you very much) styling their black or biracial girls’ hair. All it takes is an understanding of how important it is, and the will to learn. You can do it, too. (Is MIL black? Make her give you lessons!)

Oriellyn: What I read Kim’s post to say is that white parents who are going to be making decisions about their black and biracial kids’ hair need to look deep within themselves to root out any and all of the tired, old race-based characterizations of black hair. She certainly could have modified it to say “all parents” need to do so, but given that she was responding to a white mom (Dawn) who so skillfully raised these issues, I don’t think Kim’s comments were at all inappropriate. Rather than taking umbrage, Orrielyn, you may want to step away for a bit and think carefully about whether you see any truth in what Kim wrote.

Kaywil: “Community hair.” That truly opens my eyes. I’m holding on to that one.

Posted 13 Mar 2007 at 2:09 pm ¶
SL wrote:

I saw a white woman this morning at my son’s school who was wearing dreads. They were beautiful and I was curious about how exactly I would be able to create this same style myself. I’m just curious, after reading this article, what you all think about white men or women wearing dreadlocks (regardless of your race).

Posted 13 Mar 2007 at 5:40 pm ¶
Kim wrote:

Wear what you want, but know that you bear the brunt of the consequences.

Listen to what Dawn said about receiving instruction from folk in Columbus on donning braids, and, I believe, locs. The Black folk who admonished, or warned beforehand, did so out of the knowledge of the reaction from employers and other power-wielders in their lives. Oh, that, and probably the influence of church and its mores.

Did anyone see the recent “Narnia” release? I loved the Ice Queen’s dreads, though, now that I write this the idea that she would be so coiffed leads me to ask if it were merely a contemporary handling of the if-it-approaches-black-as-night, or black-ness, then it is evil even in its soul.

Anyhoo…if you dread it, it will lock. Post some pics.

Posted 13 Mar 2007 at 6:49 pm ¶
BrownWhyte wrote:

Kaywil - I had to stop reading the comments just to respond to your comment…it reminded me of what my husband says about black hair when he’s cleaning his off the floor after a cut “White people’s hair isn’t like black people’s, black people’s hair sticks together!” I always smile when he says that with such a positive attitude. I’m white and we have two sons. The older boy had locks for a short time in toddlerhood, but I eventually cut them off, because I like the “neat” look, whether of braids, locks or whatever. And his locs were MESSY. Try to get neat dreads on a two year old — not happening. I can’t wait until the boys are older and grow their hair out so I can braid it or whatnot. I already know “how”, I just need a little practice on doing the small rows with thicker, curlier hair. However, I will not force them at a young age. As they get old enough to really keep it neat, it will be their choice, and I will help them with whatever. So in that respect I’m glad I didn’t have a girl because I would not like to make her struggle as a little child with having her hair combed and “done”. But I know if I did have a daughter, she would not be allowed to straighten her hair until she was 13, (the same age I was when I got my straight hair permed curly). And if she did, it would only happen if she was fully aware of all the implications and history of black women’s hair being straightened. As it is, I teach at an all-black middle school, and I try to make a point of complimenting girls when they keep their hair natural. It’s very easy, because to me it really does look nicer!
On another note, the whole self image thing, whether about weight, hair, or whatever is all about people individually choosing to turn off the TV (or get rid of it like we did) and tune out the media. People don’t realize how much they allow their thoughts to be unconsciously directed by what they see in the media. We need to change others ideas of what is beautiful by embracing ourselves and not consuming or buying into the “skinny, white, blond, ‘Barbie’” ideal.

Posted 13 Mar 2007 at 6:54 pm ¶
BrownWhyte wrote:

Since I was not very clear in my post…my last paragraph was aimed at people of all colors, dealing with our cultures bias towards a certain “ideal”. I saw a pic of Gwen Stefani just the other day with NO makeup, and I just thought she was so much more beautiful natural.. and I already thought she was gorgeous..I’m all for more natural in everyone.

Posted 13 Mar 2007 at 7:04 pm ¶
Kim wrote:

Or buying into the boobed, long hair and-therefore female thing.

That boys are wearing braids at all again, past the age of five, moves us toward debunking the strict gender “looks” that we transmit as appropriate or not.

I’m not a fan of the braids on the boys, probably due to the video culture that exalts it, nor of ‘neat’ locks, but that is due to my relationship to Rastafarians in my other life.

Posted 13 Mar 2007 at 7:07 pm ¶
dawn wrote:

BrownWhyte, Since I knew that doing Madison’s hair would be important, we started “doing” her hair before she had any. It got her used to sitting still while I worked. I’m still struggling (I have terrible small motor skills!) and her hair is too soft to hold a style for more than a day so I have to keep it simple but she will sit for 30 to 45 minutes every morning while I comb it. (Max & Ruby on Noggin helps.)

Posted 13 Mar 2007 at 9:25 pm ¶
Frances wrote:

I (Caucasian) have adopted two children of African descent, 10 yr old boy and his 5 yr old sister. I am LOVING this discussion! Each and every thought I have read in this discussion I have actually had myself! I never really paid a lot of attention to the hair care issue until I adopted my daughter. I took my son to the local barber (African-American), and got advice from him on care and products for his hair. He was really receptive and helpful. I did (and still do) keep his hair cut pretty low, mainly because it looks better on him. I did allow him one time to get cornrows, but the truth of the matter is, I simply don’t make enough money to pay someone to braid his hair often enough to keep it looking good. I have tried to do the braiding myself, but I just don’t have it when it comes to that. I would never expect my son to go out of the house sporting any braids or cornrows that I was responsible for! I have decided that when he is old enough to take more responsibility for his own hair care, then he will be allowed more input in the hair care decisions, but until he is able to remember on his own that his hair needs to be moisturized, or brushed or picked, or whatever, I will get to make the hair care choice.
Regarding my daughter, her hair is VERY kinky, and the hair care issue was a rude awakening for me. I had a rather difficult time obtaining advice from my friends and aquaintances who were African-American moms. It was almost like a secret society that wouldn’t release information to you if you weren’t a member. I finally met a couple of people at work who were tremendously helpful with advice about my daughter’s hair. I too lean toward the more natual hairstyles. I have found a woman who braids her hair for me, and I generally leave her hair in braid for 3 to 4 weeks, and then I do her hair in twists. Yes, that’s right, I do her twists myself. AND, if I do say so myself, I think she looks great when I’m done! I do the maintenance and any washing, moisturizing and /or combing that needs to be done between hair style changes. Yes, it requires a huge chunk of my weekend, but it’s just a fact of life, so we work around it and just accept it. She likes both styles, and I like that I don’t have to put harsh chemicals on her hair. I’ve found some more natural hair care products that keep her hair healthy and healthy looking. Of course, she does periodically ask about getting a perm, because she has seen so many girls in kindergarten with straight (or straightened) hair, but so far, she hasn’t argued with me when I tell her she is too young for a perm. I also constantly compliment her about her beautiful hair and about how lucky she is to be able to have so many different styles. She seems to be perfectly happy and self-confident regarding her hair issues. I always try to empasize that everyone’s hair is going to be a little different, and that she should be proud of the hair that God gave her. One thing that I think is really funny, is the little girls (and this goes across all racial lines) that have long straight hair all ask their moms for curly hair, and those that have curly hair are all asking for straight hair. I always tell my daughter that her friends with long straight hair are asking if they can have curly hair like her. Since she realized that, her requests for a perm have almost disappeared entirely.

Posted 14 Mar 2007 at 11:00 am ¶
Mary wrote:

Of course the other concern aside from the cultural issues is the actual toxicity of these products. The Environmental Working Group website has a report, “Skin Deep” where you can find out just how “health friendly” these products rank. It should come as no suprise that relaxers are in the danger zone.

Just my 2 cents.

Posted 14 Mar 2007 at 11:12 am ¶
Kim wrote:

Frances,

you’re charming. Very kinky here, too, and loving it.

Posted 14 Mar 2007 at 1:04 pm ¶
Maryse wrote:

I LOVE this blog (article). I think that it is apparent how much you love your daughter (alot). Really I am happy that she has a mom like you who is building her up. I think this was so well written, honest and respectful without being painfully “politically correct”. I think that I will insist on natural hair for my children and allow them to make decisions re: chemicals around 12/13 years old. I will be against them but….well kids will be kids. I won’t get into the braids and longer hair do’s with boys. They too can make their own decisions (with their own $) at a certain age. Keep up the good work mom :D!

Posted 14 Mar 2007 at 2:33 pm ¶
Maryse wrote:

Oh and I am a black woman who decided to grow out a relaxer 3yrs. ago and embrace what God gave me!

Posted 14 Mar 2007 at 2:36 pm ¶
Frances wrote:

You go, Maryse! I’ll bet it looks great! Thanks for the kind words. You too, Kim!

Posted 14 Mar 2007 at 2:54 pm ¶
Myra wrote:

I know you will be a good mom, as you are questioning these things. As a woman with wild hair, let’s say that you will send a message if straightening the hair is the only answer. Imagine…you’re a little kid, and people constantly do things to your hair to make it not like it was originally. What does that say to you? Now, I argue this point with Carmen and someone else too. White women need to get away from the programming too! Why is it that everyone is dying their hair blond? Are we a country of Swedes? Why aren’t these women happy with what God gave them? Same insecurities, though the black hair (good hair, bad hair) thing is so much more painful and right out there in our faces. You can learn to do the hair in natural styles. Look around for a good teacher/hairdresser. And, practice makes perfect. My husband (white) has gotten quite adept at doing wild hair! We have two dauighters.

Posted 15 Mar 2007 at 2:08 am ¶
Kim wrote:

Myra,

I’m all with you, but I want to seriously introduce for consideration all of the ways in which terminology seeks to drive women (and entire groups of people across genders) outside of themselves.

For all reading: I am introducing this to further honest discussion among us - - the parents of new people in the world– and to have each of us continue to be warriors in the face of innocuous onslaughts and subliminal acts which undermine the confident, compassionate selves we want to raise our children into being.

Earlier in the thread, when un-hyperlinked-amy-with-the-small-’a’ mentioned hair that is ‘kinky, even for a black person,’ I rankled. For reasons of the psychological underpinnings attached to the weight of ‘even,’ and then the racial underpinnings and outsider objectification of ‘black person’.

Have the ‘kinky hair’ and its associations -

as remnants and aspects of the organic ‘differences’ of those wooly persons, used to justify such persons being shackled and legally defined as less than fully human,
as ’separate but equal’ been removed?

Have the societal definitions and theorums, which ofetn posited such persons to have morals, mores, practices and standards removed and set apart from the first-class citizens whose collars they once boiled and starched, whose meals they once had to be happy to prepare for no (and then little) pay,
been removed?

(For another discussion: if they have been removed for TRAPs, how does that get reconciled with how the world will perceive and receive your child? What mandate does it pose for Birth Mothers of Nappy-headed children? {BMNAPs})

For me, the kink is simply the kink, the curl, the coil, the spring, the rotin, which is simply my hair. Undeniably irretractible in its resistance to manipulation. And I could not hide it if I tried, not really. In the most private regions of self, I am still kinky, and that cannot be changed.

There are myths and there is lore, undignifying and inglorious, magnificent and superhuman, attached to that deep, dark kink.

All of these things seek to objectify, and paint me as human, but differently. It is these things that float in the air, unspoken (and perhaps unconsciously suppressed, or not even conscious at all) which hurt when the ‘exceptional’ of Those With Whom This World Has Taken Exception for so long is highlighted.

It is the *attendant ideas* of herself (myself) that actually - not in a reach, not when I get deep inside of myself, or seek to take an academic jaunt- jump out at me.

Most of the time, she will not feel exceptional, this Black exception…exception to personhood, humanity, womanhood, royal stature, wifey material, sexual being. Most of the time she will simply feel her s e l f. And find that others will define her for her, without permission.

As is true of each of us, women (hey daddyinastrangeland, chip, daniel,Tim with Sara, Tim).

It is the next part, the ‘wild’ descriptor which alarms me. Not because I have not said it, reclaimed it, and flown its banner high in absolute statement of freedom for all women, not because I shaved it all off and attached ‘outlaw’ to ‘wild’, by the very nature of its absence from my head, not because I wore army boots with lace dresses and rocked it, not because I stopped wearing panty hose at 18, while working in a lawyer’s office and wearing dresses everyday. No, not because of me. I’m over it.

When we drum it in that her hair is ‘wild,’ or outside of parameters of dignified woman-hood, femininity, refinement, wifey realms, and princess play in her wildness (unless you can clue me in on the new versions of princess being written), she will be acceptable here or there, or so goes the message, but if she wants to ‘normalize’, she will have to get it under control, “fix this mess”(old TCB hair styling line slogan), get her hair ‘done’, ‘touch it up’, etc.

There is a jagged line, a balance, which, while it may not be necessary to be stated in this forum, are necessary to consider.

I know we all know this, right? I needed to say it.

Truly, Kim

Posted 15 Mar 2007 at 11:04 am ¶
Kim wrote:

Spelling I caught too late:

…Have the societal definitions and theorums, which [often] posited such persons …

…For me, the kink is simply the kink, the curl, the coil, the spring, the rotin[i]….

Posted 15 Mar 2007 at 11:07 am ¶
Myra wrote:

Hey, I embrace my wild hair. I am fine with that description. But I do agree about the degrees of kinkiness and the way we couch all of this shows how difficult a subject this just is. Hair even separates us in our own groups. There was a very fine article on how adding hair (weaves) did signify self hatred. I am really believing that. That ran a while back on racialicious.com. But I would hardly ever have that discussion with another black woman (unless I knew her really, really well), since I’ve gotten such crap from my own people for things they think I think…or what they perceive about me…without any real evidence…all for not having short and completely kinky hair. Kinky has no bad connotation for me. It’s just a description. Like bone straight. Hey, I’ll take the curly and wild or kinky over bone straight any day! We get worked up over one another. The hair emphasis is so wacky in this country. The number of products and the amount of time white women spend on coloring their hair is bizarre, and the amounts of money they spend on it…and the unending amount of time black women sit in the black hole masquerading as a beauty parlor. UGH! We could have figured out world peace in that time.

Posted 15 Mar 2007 at 12:51 pm ¶
Kim wrote:

Myra…

we are in an echo chamber:listen…:)

Women are touchstones for each other.

Posted 15 Mar 2007 at 1:31 pm ¶
midnightships wrote:

I have locs and have had them off and on–more on in the last 3+ years–for 11 years. I love them and although they take quite a bit of work to maintain, I missed them every single time I had them chopped off. If you want dreads for your kids, make sure you teach them how to look after their hair well. I also agree, time spent on having my hair cornrowed was ideal (especially since it meant that the younger kids in my grandparents house would actually sit still long enough to eavesdrop on our older cousins’–and their friends’–gossip about their love lives).

With regards to using relaxers, texturisers, etc., etc.: please, please, while the child is young, don’t do it. I look around me (I’m in London) and the majority of girls (10 y-o’s) and young and older women use some kind of chemical to straighten their hair out. Little kids do not ever NEED to have these harsh chemicals applied to their scalps. I think, the longer you give their hair to grow, the stronger it will be able to withstand any harsh chemicals applied to it in later life. I actually think that there’s nothing wrong with waiting until the “child” is 16 (or even 18) b4 chemicals are applied to her hair.

Regardless of how it’s viewed, all these chemicals do is loosen the curl structure and make the hair straighter. And as much as we wish to say that black/mixed-race women have the right to do as they wish with their hair, (yes, I agree, we do) the primary “choice” seems to be to make it as straight as possible. Is that a true choice?

I come from a family where most of the black women, myself included, used relaxers at some point in their lives (except my g.mother–she’s a Muslim and her hair is never left unwrapped in public. She has v. “strong” curls in her hair, which make it difficult to comb if you don’t do it gently–I only realise now, but when I was younger my hair was very similar to hers in texture) and I think that’s a shame. Even though I spent different stages of my childhood in S. Leone, I was old enough to see the very strong underlying assumption that once you were old enough you were supposed to have your hair relaxed or in Jheri curls (this was the 80’s afterall, ;oP!!). Little girls dreamed of which chemically-produced option would look best on their heads, and thereon followed years, upon years of constant battles with a relaxer creme that was most certainly doing untold damage to their hair and their scalps.

Little kids do not need relaxers or texturisers. I used to have the kind of hair that required buying a new comb every other week because the knots and tight curls were guaranteed to break a “few” teeth. (Plastic teeth were never going to be an equal match for my “Thick ‘Fro”!). After I relaxed my hair for the the 1st time in 1988 (and during the school holidays, my mother came home to find someone she thought of as a friend relaxing my hair–now I look back, I don’t think she was pleased at all), and I let the relaxer grow out, my hair never grew back as strong–I had more split ends–as it was before; the individual strands were never as thick as they were before; and, the hair was never as deep the colour black as it had once been–in fact, there was (and is) a slight reddish-brown undertone to the hair ends. I also still suffer from split ends.

In a nutshell, regardless of your choices, these chemicals are not good news for black/bi-racial hair–not for the short-, nor for the long-term.

And definitely not for tender little heads.

NB–I don’t use the word “kinky”. By the time I 1st heard it being used (in England), I was already 10, and had learnt to associate it with sensual/sexual matters. I don’t use it because I don’t find that I need to and I didn’t grow up (to a point) around people who used it in everyday speech (same for “nappy”, which I didn’t come across until I started secondary school and came across more books written by African-Americans). Also, I was introduced to the word by a group of little girls, mostly white, whose usage had v. strong negative connotations, and that initially clouded my acceptance of it. Now I don’t think “Oh”, when I hear it coming out of other people’s mouths. But not mine–I like being different, :o).

PS–I remember, some years ago, picking up a copy of Vogue and seeing an article about a black woman who was thinking about “going” natural and I thought, “Damn! At long last Vogue is entering the 21st century–they are actually giving a 20-sthg-year-old black woman the chance to write about an issue that primarily reflects her world”. Imagine my disappointment when reading through the article, she stated that she had been relaxing her hair for so long that she didn’t even “know” how to look after a natural hairstyle. I thought, “Are you serious? But your family are originally Nigerians–how can you not know how to look after natural hair?” Silly me, for falling into the trap where I start making generalisations about people simply because we have something in common (in this case, we are West Africans, or descendants of WAfs. She then went on to write that she didn’t know any black people with natural hairstyles–this was after Erykah Badu and Jill Scott had both released their 1st albums. But then again, she didn’t have to look far, there was also Alice Walker and Toni Morrison (with their locs); there was Miriam Makeba with her short crop; there was _____ (fill in the blank as you see fit–mind it would have been after 2002).

Posted 15 Mar 2007 at 5:22 pm ¶
Rebecca a biracial wrote:

in general i would think that any mother who does NOT know how to style her child’s her needs to learn to do so IMMEDIATELY.

i am lucky to have an african mother who knew how to style my hair every day until i asked her to do it on my own and even then it was torture because i have thick small curls. In today’s society there are lots of websites aimed for biracial/multiracials .

Its nothing but a click away, its especially great if u dont mind paying about 15 dollars for a leave in conditioner per jar at http://www.blendedbeauty.com or mixedchicks.com

In all honesty black hair cannot b that bad for any1.

Simply u have to learn how to braid and for the tricks, go to a black hair salon ask black women ask around.

Worst case scenario some1 will tell u no.

As a biracial (african and white) 21 yr old seeing this product thats supposed to make my texture “EASIER” heres the news flash, hair care isnt EASY on many colored ppl.

thats why its called hair CARE. for any hair i would recommend leave in conditioner n e way. But its 2007, isnt it time that we stopped being told to b ashamed of our natural hair texture AND Color?!

Posted 22 Mar 2007 at 2:14 pm ¶
Dave wrote:

Great article and comments.

Please join us for more discussion on these topics and others of interest to white/black biracials and parents and supporters of white/black biracials at

http://www.mulatto.org

and our positive resource message board.

We have a rapidly growing online community of about 600 people.

Posted 22 Mar 2007 at 4:23 pm ¶
Lavon wrote:

Wow. Personally, I think a little more self-introspection might be in order. Why all the underlying anger?

Lots of questions regarding race, how we view beauty, etc. have been raised, but the fundamental question is this: how do we raise a strong, self-confident female/male child? Isn’t that really what you are asking?

I grew up in the age of the straightin’ comb — stuck on the stove to get it just hot enough. I am also old enough to have watched many African American women reject popular ideals of beauty preferring everything from short cropped hair to afro-puffs. The pendulum swings back and forth.

Folks, the concept of what is beautiful will always be in flux. Aren’t we talking more about plus-sized models today?

In my case, I happen to be a very successful (and fortunate) African American father. As such I have a much more flexible schedule than my wife. Both my daughter and son are “biracial” since folks seem to like that word.

I tend to do my daughter’s hair as best as I can. Sometimes that means it is straighter. Sometimes she goes “au natural”. It depends on how much time I have. And her hair is beyond curly — especially after it is washed. The same applies when our nanny, who is from Belize, does Tori’s hair.

At the end of the day, we all want our children to look good and be happy. It really comes down to time and skill. I have watched my sisters do hair my entire life, but as I can now attest, it is a lot harder to do than it looks. And even for my sisters, it takes a lot of time to do my daughter’s hair — only for it to come undone within 2 days.

There is no answer to whether natural is correct or some other version. It is what it is.

Dawn, to answer your question directly, The “Just for Me” product provides an option, a choice. Whether you like or agree with the marketing campaign should be irrelevant. It is kind of like fast food chains — plus and minuses.

In my humble opinion, either use the product or don’t. After all, THAT is the BEAUTY of choice.

Posted 26 Mar 2007 at 4:18 pm ¶
Frances wrote:

Thanks, Lavon, for just “telling it like it is”! I think that a lot of time is wasted trying to convince one side that the other side is somehow right or better. Perhaps a lot of the anger that seems to have surfaced here is due to a perceived notion that some are trying to put down or disrespect decisions that others have made. As you so eloquently stated, our lives are all chock full of choices, options, pluses and minuses, and we all make decisions every day based upon which one is most beneficial to our own family. We all arrive at our own truths when we’re supposed to.

And, may I offer my compliments to you for what you are teaching your children by stepping outside that stereotypical father role, and being a wonderful example of a parent, be they male or female! God bless you and your family!

Posted 26 Mar 2007 at 9:48 pm ¶
Belle wrote:

This is such a emotionally-charged subject and I suppose it has reason to be. My problem is slightly different (although I suppose everyone thinks their situation is different). I am multiracial. Among other things, I am black. My mother is 100% Asian. My hair gives me a lot of issues. It is very curly and because it is long, gets very tangled. My mom did an amazing job always keeping it neat when I was younger. My husband is predominantly black. Our daughter’s hair is extremely curly and long. I would not consider it nappy but kinky would be accurate at times. I used to just use detangling spray and styling cream to do her hair but the longer it gets, the more difficult it is getting to control. I am also finding it physically difficult to spend an hour or more to do her hair. I do not want to relax her hair for two reasons: 1. it is permanent and I don’t feel it should be my decision to make that kind of change and 2. because I think her hair is beautiful as it is.

But I can’t get around the fact that it is difficult to do her hair. My daughter (who is 7) thinks straight hair is beautiful, especially blonde hair. I am not blonde. My daughter wants to be able to wear her hair like mine (I wear it naturally curly or blow-dried straight; she loves it both ways). I don’t want to flat-iron her hair on a daily basis and it would be daily since her hair curls up again within hours. I am considering using the texture softener because it would allow us to have a happy medium of being able to style her hair while still maintaining the natural look. I certainly don’t want to send my daughter the message that she is not beautiful as she is but right now, I can’t help feeling like I am sending her the message that her hair is difficult to care for and a burden. I can’t think of any solution to that besides telling her and we all know that alone will not counteract all of the things she sees and feels on her own. Is it wrong that I want my daughter to feel beautiful? If I avoid doing something like this because of how I feel, aren’t I still inflicting an unnecessary judgement upon her? I don’t want her to look like a little white girl or little asian girl or even like me. I want her to look like her and believe she’s beautiful. How can she feel anything but the pain of having hair like hers right now?

Posted 03 Apr 2007 at 11:10 am ¶
Rachel wrote:

Does this softener only work on hair of children with white mothers (hair that is naturally even LESS kinkier than all black children’s hair)? In other words, will this work on full blown kinky hair…or hair of a biracial child with a black mother who has kinky hair?

Posted 04 Apr 2007 at 12:06 am ¶
Tiffiany wrote:

What if your daughter has really kinky hair when it’s dry and it’s painful for her to have her hair combed? My thoughts are that I would want to make my daughter more comfortable and less anxious about having her hair combed daily.

Posted 04 Apr 2007 at 5:25 pm ¶
I.N wrote:

JFM works. Nevertheless, if your kids’ hair has a curl to it when it is wet, but frizzys-out later, you might want to try Mixed Chicks’ hair system. It’s not a relaxer… It’s more of a tamer, that works with the hair’s natural curl, rather than chemically straightening.

Posted 05 Apr 2007 at 11:16 am ¶
Kim wrote:

Great call, I.N-

I’m still looking for it, but will have to order it, I guess.

Tiffiany,

Seriously, dry combing is not the way to go, then. Every need will have to be addressed according to its demands.

Many people need their hair to be damp, moistened, or all-out wet in order to be combed. A little detangler by your side and a wide-tooth comb, plus a good brush, will help tremendously.

Not expecting to comb straight though from root to tip is a real consideration to make as well. Smooth it out with a thin application of any type of hair grease that is not too heavy (or scented) for your child, or try a creme-based curl smoother, like Garnier makes.

Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize.

Posted 05 Apr 2007 at 3:08 pm ¶
Nerica wrote:

Regardless of race—Hair “styles” can drastically change your appearance. I am a black mother with a black child that has hair texture like Corbin Bleu. My hair is easy to manage but her hair isn’t. I chose not to press or relax. My daughter’s hair is naturally curly so the texture softener helps to make her hair more manageable for me and less painful for her. She wears her hair is many different styles.

Perhaps JFM incorrectly defined and stated their target market during the product campaign but for Moms who seek a product that allows the hair to look natural yet be manageable the product works.

Posted 06 Apr 2007 at 11:42 am ¶
Kim wrote:

This is going to go nowhere, this end of the thread.

If it is your child has hair texture like Corbin Bleu, many, many Black people (women and girls) would wonder what in the hell you are thinking if you can’t ‘even’ manage that, and need to chemically alter it.

The thinking is (and I’m thinking it, I have to admit) ‘if you had to comb really kinky hair, you would lose your mind, you better be saying your blessings that your kid has ‘bouncy’ hair’.

(And, for clarity, texture and coil formation/springiness are not the same, so I’m actually referring to the IDEA of what Bleu’s texture may be, and assuming the hair shaft to be less porous, or bumpy, along its length, than that with which I am familiar among African-Americans who tend to be called ‘nappy’.)

If it is you who has the Bleu-bounce, and not your child, and you seek to have an easier way to manage your child’s hair, then the issue would once again be one of 1)familiarity and skill at handling coarse, tightly-kinked hair, and 2) one’s disposition toward natural styles and their political and/or psychosocial implications on the developing child’s mind.

Posted 06 Apr 2007 at 2:11 pm ¶
Yodit N Ashman wrote:

I am multiracial, I think everything but hispanic. my parents are also multiracial. I grew up in the black community in New York City and white communities everywhere else. My hair texture look very much white and because it is curly does some crazy things especially when it is humid. My experiences did link my self esteem to my hair. Black girls wanted to be friends in order to play with my hair and the white girls were confused that I did not look like the idea of what a blask person should look like. It was too long and too straight. The black girls that didn’t know me accused me of wearing weaves and wigs and pulled my hair to prove thier assumptions. There is something to be said about the “advice” but overall I don’t agree with the ad.It is misleading and a little insulting. My child is naturally multiracial and her hair texture is sooo different from mine. I am not white and I have problems here and there. Sometimes I wish her hair were more like mine then I would have that learning curve that generally is assumed only white people have. We all have it otherwise these products would not exist to “make combing the hair easier”.

Posted 07 Apr 2007 at 12:38 am ¶
Yodit N Ashman wrote:

Correction — Sometimes I wish her hair were like mine so I wouldn’t have that learning curve that is generally assumed only white people have.

Posted 07 Apr 2007 at 12:41 am ¶
Lisajo wrote:

I used this product on my daughter’s hair.

Let me give you my history.

I do have caucasian ancestry on my mother’s side.My Father is of african descent. My mother has soft , curly hair which grew naturally long down her back. I loved to comb it as a child so wavy and beautiful.

I grew up hearing about how thick my hair was (still is to this day) but it was never long.

Growing up with my mixed heritage, I have several cousins with long, kinky hair and we all had our hair relaxed by the time we were 13. We had the discussions of good hair, nice hair which left the unspoken message of bad, hard hair which I have.

Mine broke up and to this day fluctuates from a full healthy relaxed head to patchy and short. Of course I am a wig and weave wearer which because of my complexion and features few realize.

Back to my daughters ( I have twin girls now 5).

One of the girls natural hair is all down her back, extremely coarse and thick at the roots and she has a tender scalp. She has enough hair on her head for about 3 people and has really fat plaits.

The other one is not quite at her shoulders, not as thick or long - easier to manage.

The thick haired one I had problems with ever since she was a baby - she would cry incessantly to comb and style her hair.

Up to before I used the chemical, her hair would take about 2 and a half hours just to style. Add another hour to unbraid, section, shampoo and condition and dry. ( And I still had the other daughter to do).

I tried everything- every product I could put my hands on - moisturizers, deep conditioners, detanglers, hair food, oils, lotions - nothing helped much - she still cried for two hours straight until she fell asleep or her eyes got so puffy that I would give up and not bother to comb out up to the roots but put a woogie in and comb the ends. She would go for weeks without her hair being properly combed through. I would make sure and comb with a wide tooth comb and go from ends up to the roots but the minute I got within inches of her scalp she would wince and start to cry.

I had stylists try washing and conditioning and once left the salon with her crying , her hair soaking wet, with a towel wrapped around it.

I prayed, I cried I did not know what to do. I felt so sorry for her and so frustrated every time I had to comb and style her hair. I even considered cutting it off till she was older. I really did not want to put the chemical in until she was older but I felt she was suffering too much. She would cry and say she hated her hair and wished she had hair like her sister.

Now her hair takes less than an hour to style when dry(still takes a while to wash and section but not as long). The hair is almost at her waist and of course she loves it because it is lighter, shinier, bouncier and prettier.

My main concern now is maintenance - so far it is not breaking and I am trusting God that it never will. I comb and style it about once a week - to protect it. She is much happier and so am I - and she looks so beautiful. While I feel a bit guilty for introducing relaxer so early, I am happy for her and for me. I just pray we can maintain her healthy hair so that she can enjoy it when she’s older.

The truth is most people’s perception including my own is that softer, longer, wavier hair is more beautiful than coarse, kinky, tightly curled african hair. The statistics, the chemical product sales, and what we see around us every day prove it. Almost all the women I know with African ancestry has chemically treated hair, wigs, weaves, pieces - look at the magazines and television. I am not usually an advocate of going with the crowd, but in this case it is actually easier and better.

More so, “nappy” kinky hair is just hard to comb and style - it hurts like hell and who wants to deal with that all the time.

As for “community hair” it is an ideal - sounds great but so not practical. None of the other african women I know have any time for that. While it sounds sweet, it would just be a communal nightmare. I have had other friends, relatives try to help me comb my daughters hair, and they all end up just as frustrated and sweating as I was. None of them who have handled her hair have protested or questioned my decision to apply chemicals. They saw the torture she was going through even though they admired her natural hair.

The real question for me at the heart of it all is why is the african race the only race with this problem - and lets face it - it is a problem than no other race faces. Not white, chinese, indian, thai, phillipino whatever. No other race has this.

I do not have the answer - this one I reserve for my maker when I see him or maybe if I take the time to study our biblical or archeological roots there may be answer there. If anyone has answers or insights I am eager to listen.

For now I am happy with the solution I have found, a solution as old as the pressing comb and straighteners that 99% of us have been through.

So I don’t judge the chemical users and I admire the natural wearers. I just know where and why my preference lies.

Posted 11 Apr 2007 at 10:29 am ¶
Rebecca a Biracial wrote:

i’d like to correct the site name to http://www.mixedchicks.net, not DOT COM,

this product is giving me mixed emotions in general… i dont kno what else to put

Posted 11 Apr 2007 at 11:31 am ¶
Kim wrote:

Lisajo-

Sounds to me like your insistence on keeping your daughter ‘in the look’ was more pressing (ha!) than keeping her comfortable and cute in a kiddie way.

Your comments are disturbing in a dismissive manner that border on a ‘Wish I may, wish I might, have the hair I dream tonight’ propensity, and ignore the underlying causes for a nation of women to deny that they routinely deny expression of their genetic selves.

Not enough words to fill the void.

Posted 11 Apr 2007 at 2:22 pm ¶
Lisajo wrote:

Thanks for your comment Kim. The comfortable part was the most ‘pressing’ reason as I really just wanted to reduce my daughter’s pain. There is no denial of expression of her genetic self - her relaxed braided hair , skin color and facial features still express who she is genetically.

Her life is just a bit easier and happier and she can enjoy being who she is. A woman of any other race who colors, perms, streaks, braids, locs, or anything else is not considered to be denying who they are genetically. Your genetic makeup cannot hide (unless really extreme measures are taken). A person should be allowed to have a preference or an option and not be regarded as denying themselves.

Posted 12 Apr 2007 at 3:32 pm ¶
Maurine wrote:

Belle: A “texture softner” is as PERMANENT as a relaxer. A “texture softner” is a texturizer, they just changed the lingo to make it new again.

There are loads of misconceptions out there so I’ll try to address a few:

NATURAL HAIR (on “black” persons) should be combed ONLY when wet and coated with a conditioner. That is when the hair shaft is strongest. You’ll have less breakage and pain. The size & type of comb/brush matters and you should start from tip to root when combing. Also, make sure to finger detangle first.

I am a 22 yr old American-born Nigerian woman and grew out my relaxer in 2003. My hair was first relaxed at 6 and before then I wore it in an afro. I think my mother thought our hair was supposed to be relaxed, but I never asked. I always *hated* having my hair relaxed. I *love* my natural hair.

Hair CARE is just that, CARE as Rebecca so nicely pointed out. I think we all having a learning curve. For instance, I recently learned more about eating healthy — this could take more time in regards to food preparation and more money but I’ve looking into ways to keep time and cost down. The same is true for the natural hair care of “black” people. It’s not *1* click away, but it’s 2,3, and maybe a book or two.

As a childless person I wonder, why have children if you aren’t willing to *learn* to care for them?

Posted 18 Apr 2007 at 3:36 pm ¶
Elle wrote:

Kudos to you on a great article. I wish more people would adopt the same views as you

Posted 18 Apr 2007 at 4:11 pm ¶
Ari's Mom wrote:

I think it’s important for you to learn how to care for your child’s hair in it’s natural state. This is a chemical plain and simple and you don’t want to place a chemical on a child under 10 years old. In spite of what the ad said and in spite of SunFlower Mom.

As a matter of fact the young girl used as a model doesn’t even have what’s considered coarse hair.

Natural Hair is beautiful and can be managed! you just have to find the right product not chemical! A good detangler and good moisture product and your done!

Now as girls approach the tweens they may have a desire to go straight and that may require a chemical. At this point I’d say go for it!

Posted 30 Apr 2007 at 9:56 pm ¶
Aaron wrote:

Mixed Chicks products are doing right by my family.

Posted 14 May 2007 at 3:22 am ¶
shannon kochis wrote:

I am the bio. white mother of a georgous 10 y.o. bi-racial daugter. we have struggled with her hair since she was born. I have sought advice from AA friends and followed it only to end up in worse condition than when we began. to complicate things she is a swimmer and this dries her hair terribly, so relaxing the hair is out, it breaks too easily. I have found that lots of conditioner, not shampooing everyday but once a week, and lots of leave in cream conditioner work best, the oils and grease do not moiturize or hydrate her hair, they just add to the build up and dull color. Her hair is now shiny and beautifully curly - natural hair is definately the way for us to go!!

Posted 15 May 2007 at 11:49 am ¶
Violet wrote:

Try Neutragena’s triple moisture shampoo and conditioner. Works great on my grownup, but still tender-headed, curls.

Good luck.

Posted 27 May 2007 at 1:41 pm ¶
Tay wrote:

To relax or not to relax is an issue most African American mothers of African American children think about. Unfortunately in most of our communities it is “natural” to relax. To see a child with natural hair, that was her mother’s choice, often tells me what kind of person her mother may be…forward thinking, activist, afrocentric, etc… I have natural hair that I wear braided or picked out in an afro. I have already decided not to put any chemicals (other than oil) in my daughter’s hair. When she is old enough to decide for herself then I will allow that to happen. I have three nieces and they all have relaxers. My family will not understand because in their world straight hair is beautiful.

Posted 01 Jun 2007 at 11:33 am ¶
Tay wrote:

What I have seen most often is that White parents don’t know how to manage hair daily. I have met people who wash their African American child’s hair daily (which dries it completely out) or don’t put any oil on it or the scalp (we don’t produce much of our own hair oil). That to me is the most important things to learn. I believe it to be true, especially in this day and age, that girls do connect their self acceptance with their hair. You don’t see many African American singers, actresses, etc.. with natural hair and they want to be like “those girls”. Don’t make it right, but it is true.

Posted 01 Jun 2007 at 11:38 am ¶
sherian stone wrote:

I put the texture softer on my daughter’s hair and she loves it,,before then she hated getting her hair combed..it didnt take away from her original texture she still has her curly locs, its still thick and look nautraul. but it is more manageable and it doesnt look dry and frizzy and i will definitely continue to use it! i am a African-American mother and my daughter is too she has hair exactly like corbin bleu which is beautiful hair..i used to comb it and it looks as if i didnt do anything to it which i spent hours on it then people pass judgement and think your neglecting their childrens hair when they are really not! i put the texture softer on her hair it only took about 30 mins to do her hair and this with washing 6 times and styling! I think that this is a GReat product and dont knock until you try it!

Posted 08 Jun 2007 at 10:36 am ¶
Samara wrote:

I really stand by you with this, even as a black woman when I was a child my mother never relaxed my hair. She would, comb, grease and braid or twist my hair styling it with hair bows and barrettes. I didn’t get a relaxer in my hair until I was 16 because her hair stylist pressured her into putting a Just For Me relaxer in my hair which caused bald spots in my hair…not a good choice.

My hair is now thick and beautiful because my Mother didn’t put a relaxer in my hair that would break it down and thin it out at a young age like so many other mother’s do.

Embrace your child’s natural hair like my Mom did mine Even now she still presses her own hair (not relaxes) and she’s 52 years old.

Posted 10 Jun 2007 at 10:48 am ¶
Neita wrote:

I need help, really! I catch all kinds of flap from so many people for relaxing my daughter’s hair. I am an African-Am mom and so is my daughter. She has extremely long and extremely thick hair. Other than the Huxtable kid, “Rudy” from the Cosby Show, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a little girl with such long, thick, kinky hair. For me, I don’t relax it primarily for the look. I do it so that I can comb it and get on with our day. My mom (who has the exact same hair as my daughter) swears that she would be more than willing to wash and hot comb her hair. But, realistically, we don’t live around the corner– with two other kids, I can’t maintain a press & comb and a full-time job, and all the other stresses of life. I gave up and figured it’s just hair. Let’s get it combed and move on with life. It simply wasn’t worth the struggle of hearing her cry and scream everytime we had to wash or hot comb it. If anyone can offer a better solution, please share. I know I’m altering her natural hair, but technically don’t I do that anyway if I apply conditioners to natural hair or even hot comb it? I’m just looking for a way to get her hair done in under 2 hours without the fuss and tears.

Posted 24 Jun 2007 at 12:12 pm ¶
Nesa Henry wrote:

I’ve just begun to read many of the comments on this page. I actually am black and my 2 children are black and my eldest of the 2 has very unmanageable hair, however it reminds me of some biracial hair types. I have been perming her hair since she was 15 mos. due to her agony and mine. I have not found a product that best suites my daughter since they introduced the just for me texturizer. My little and I tried this product in April of this year and she still has no tears when we do her hair, even though she has washed most of it out. I believe in this product but not the price. All the other talk about who is racist and who is not does not matter. It is finding the cure for managable due to our busy daily lives. The world is moving too fast to throw insults. If white people were really irritated by mixed children’s hair they would either develop a way to cope or not mix at all. My great-great grandmother was white and through time everyone born in our family doesnot share her naturally straight look. We are all biracial in some form or fashion.

Posted 11 Jul 2007 at 8:10 am ¶
Sandra wrote:

Thirty years ago I gave birth to a beauitful mixed black baby girl. I remember how I searched for hair products, reading material that would work for her. I would take her into the hair salons, in the white hair salons they would refused to handle her unmanageable hair and in the black hair salons I would receive hissing and kissing of teeth and was quoted a fortune (over priced )to relax my daughter’s beautiful locks. That day I refused to relax her hair. As a white mother, I learnt to handle my daughter’s hair thorugh my husbands advice. (Be patience, comb in small sections, comb from the ends then go work upwards to the roots and if all else fails use lots of DAX.) I learnt to cut, braid and evern cornrow her hair. I would have black mothers come to me and ask who is my daughter’s hairdresser because her hair was so lfull, long and beautiful. I would tell them it was me. Most times they would look at me funny and sometimes, I was even called a liar. When she was little, I toke her to daycare and the black daycare teachers would take out her braids to play with her long natural hair. They said they loved to play with her unknotted hair. Every night I would braid her hair again. By the age of 16 her hair was full and to her waist, never been relaxed and never been dyed. She choose to cut her hair short and relax it. Thirty-five years later, I have a beautiful granddaughter. (Whom is six) . Daily, I take her to daycare. I was approached by a black daycare teacher and she told me that my grand-daughter’s hair is always beautiful with her pretty braids, ribbons and bows. I was asked do I texture her hair? I said no, what is that? The teacher proceeded to inform me how it cuts the time down in doing her daughter’s hair. Nowdays, there are so….many hair products, that makes taking care of ones hair easier. I always felt confused everytime I walked to the shelves in the store. Last week, for the first time, I approached a sales clerk and asked about texturing. I was coming out of the old days and I bought a kit. Who gives two hoots what anyone says. If the product works why not. I go to the salon, I get a wash, haircut, perm and my hair dyed. My daughter does the same. What’s wrong with my grand-daughter getting her hair texturized. It is less harmful then getting relaxed, dry, breaking, split ends and damaged. Many little mixed and black girls get it done, all the time. Their so happy with smiles because now my grand-daughter can now play with them and get her hair done. They take turns doing each others hair. Just like the little white girls do to each other’s hair. My grand-daughter has more time to play or study then sitting in a chair for sometimes upto 4 hours. Ask her, about the old days of hairstyling and she would say, “BORING”.

Posted 15 Jul 2007 at 7:13 pm ¶
Chay wrote:

In response to the writer of the article…

Especially to your point about their linking the hair to emotions & self esteem….

Sadly, the marketer of the product was simply trying to expound on an already existing truth.

Hair has been overwhelmingly important matter for black women for a long time. Maybe , originally stemming from negatives such as racism, and light-skinned / good-hair superiority complexes… it has changed over time, but it’s still a big deal.

I was in St. Louis this past weekend for a graduation, and witnessed an atrocity. Such a beautiful little mixed girl with strawberry blonde hair… in a mess that was just strained and straw-like (dry), and just horrid.

The mother had taken a matching piece of weave and just stuck around the real hair. It was obvious she was already losing hair around the temples and in the length. It was a true atrocious SHAME !

That can mess with a childs self-esteem. She looked Jacked-Up… like a JOKE !

Children will be children, and no white-child is going to understand why she looks like a punished barbie doll / chow-chow dog fur / troll doll. And no black child is going to accept that as OK… to them it’s obvious that somebody don’t “care” about you… I mean the jokes would never end, until the child combs her hair.

After we left the graduation, a friend of mine (mixed) mentioned how when she was a child one of her friends (mixed) parents made all their children get dreads. She and her friend didn’t understand dreads, and neither did any of the other kids. Her friend was teased alot & depressed. They decided to sneak a box of perm/relaxer to school and try to perm the dreads! Just so her friend could be accepted with the other kids! WOW.

They could’ve blinded themselves! But were caught in the process. She said it was that serious to them at the time. No friends or Get a Perm !!

for a child… as a mother… wouldn’t that be the end of it… enough said.

No mother wants her child to suffer rejection (reasonless, but still there) rejection !

Posted 08 Aug 2007 at 11:13 am ¶
Chay wrote:

I just read my message

I see it seems as if I have a pro-perm OR pro-relaxer slant

I do not

I have had a relaxer since I was 12
I am now 25 and natural

When I was young my father would not let me put any heat or chemicals in my hair

I would spend hours & hours in the mirror struggling with my hair, and then I would break down and cry to sleep. It was tough

When I got my first perm… it was a Just For Me mild kiddie relaxer

Amen! It did not relax my hair like adult perms later did. All it did was make it alot easier to comb, and “appear” straighter. It was still thick, it could still “swell up”, but I could pull it into a few ponytails without crying & it would look OK.

But, alas it was still a perm, and it did remove the coil-iness of the curl pattern.
So, I just think this is great.

Because at some point your child will have to learn to do their own hair. And no matter how much you know… they will still struggle.

I’m 25 and now I’m struggling all over again. This is my first year natural. This is my first MONTH being comfortable with it.

I was starting to get so sad, and wonder if I can handle this. I’m not a kid anymore, and I can’t pull my hair into plaits, and braids, and twisted ponytails.

Last month I pressed my hair out, and went to work. It was hot & moist outside. Do you know my hair starting doing this swelly shrinking thing. I WAS HUMILIATED! And I had to stay at work. My Russian friend asked me “is it hard to take care of natural hair?” I just took my hat off & didn’t say a word. She understood. It was so bad. I have to be professional & talk to people for living… It’s unacceptable to look like you FORGOT to do your hair.

So, I’ve been all over the internet & to a couple of natural salons… and at 25 I am just now finding out how many different ways I can do my hair!!

I’d NEVER had a roller-set in Life, till a week or so ago! Wow. I don’t need heat to make my hair sort of straight? Wow!

It’s a whole new world for me. I’ve been doing my hair SOOO long. And now I’m starting over… like seriously starting over like a kid. It’s a struggle…

I MIGHT GET ONE OF THE TEXTURE SOFTENERS MYSELF! I already have extremely soft hair (it’s just swell prone)
Hmmm….

Posted 08 Aug 2007 at 11:30 am ¶
kim wrote:

Chay, that’s a little funny.

I hear you, though.

Posted 08 Aug 2007 at 4:19 pm ¶
melly wrote:

so i was wondering can i use this in my 2 year old daughter hair or would it effect hair.

Posted 18 Aug 2007 at 9:47 pm ¶
Lyonside wrote:

Melly: I would say a kid that age shouldn’t have any processing done to their hair. Check out this site for info on dealing with curly hair in a positive way: http://www.curlykids.com/

Posted 20 Aug 2007 at 11:29 am ¶
Shera wrote:

Wow! I had no idea this was targeted to bi-racial children and their parents. The box looks like it has a latina and a black girl on it…didn’t look mixed to me. I first saw this product in a Rite Aid in the Bronx back in April. I’m 25 years old. I don’t like to perm and but I like the fact that texturizers let me keep an “ethnic” look but that dried my hair out too much. In my search for something new, I found and bought the Just for Me texture softener and fell in love with it. Having to get up and go to work, I don’t have the time to daily deep condition and “tame” my hair before I walk out the door. With this product, I rinse with conditioner and scrunch with grease or gel and I’m cute all day. I also like the fact that if I want to wear my hair tied up, putting it into a pony tail is no hassle. Just brushing it and pulling it back actually straighten my hair and gives me a new look from day to day. For adults it’s different but my suggestion for children is to just keep it healthy and take care of it, by the time you’re my age you’ll be a pro at handling your natural texture. I wish i never permed my hair as a child, I would be in love with my natural today.

Posted 08 Sep 2007 at 9:21 pm ¶
Tarsha wrote:

I read majority of the comments made on this page. I recently purchased a texture softener for my daughters hair and both myself and my husband are definitely black. My daughters hair texture is soft, frizzy, and a wavy combination. In the process of washing and conditioning her hair it tangles really bad, so i went and purchased a detangler….that didnt work, i notice her hair would break off in the process of me trying to detangle it, so instead of holding and pulling and end up with a comb full of hair, i bought a texture softener. I bought it to help manage my daughters hair. Her hair reminds me of Corbin Bleu, soft and curly naturally, but with the kinks. And now her hair is still soft and curly with no kinks and less stress. So me personally i didnt change her texture, the only thing i eliminated out of the process is the kinks and me pulling my daughters hair out.
And she is loving it.

Posted 10 Sep 2007 at 9:35 am ¶
Lyonside wrote:

Shera:

Sorry, but when you wrote “The box looks like it has a latina and a black girl on it…didn’t look mixed to me.” I have to ask…

What exactly do you think a black/white biracial child looks like? Or a black/non-black Latina? Or a black/Asian? (any of which may have combination hair that does not easily respond to traditionally “black” or “white” hair care regimens?)

Really, we don’t all look the same… *sigh*

Posted 10 Sep 2007 at 1:30 pm ¶
Kerry wrote:

Wow! I just came across this website…..I cannot believe the amount of anger and hostility here. I just bought a box of the relaxer for my 9-year old daughter. I (her mother) am “white”. When I found out I was having a girl, all I could think was, “I can’t wait to do her hair.”. I just assumed she would have softness and ringlets! Boy, was I wrong. Thankfully, she has a wonderful step-mother who has helped guide me through the ups and downs. She DID NOT teach me everything. I took it upon myself to learn everything possible…..and I’m still learning. When my daughter was younger, I did what I had to to take care of it. I’d send her to her dad’s house, and she’d come back with a bunch of ponytails and all “greased” up. That was hard to get used to….honestly, I hated it. She looked “too black”. It’s funny now, when I ask her step-mother what she used to think, she’d say “she looked too white”. But what does that really mean? I’m quite sure the we all do what we want with our hair when we want to do it. Do we not remember back to the early 80’s when “white” people would get a perm and sport a “fro”? I know I sat in the kitchen several times whilke my mom gave me a perm. I also recall everyone running out to get the Jennifer Aniston haircut. It really doesn’t matter the race or what they put on the box. People of all races follow people of all races. It’s life. I’ve learned from my 9 year old that just because she may wear her hair straight, it doesn’t make her less “black”, and when she wears her hair in micro braids, it doesn’t make her less “white”. It makes her, her. She thinks it’s really great that she can change her hair all the time. So do the kids at her school. (F.Y.I. she is 1 of 4 AA or Bi-racial kids out of 400 at her school)Ultimatly, if you really care what others think about how you groom your childs’ hair, you have too much tim