“I would never give my baby away”
by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Cloudscome
We were standing waist deep in the water of the community pool on a hot July afternoon. I was holding Buddy Boy, my 23 month old adopted black son in my arms. I wasn’t the only white mother with brown kids in the pool, but I was one of the few. About half the kids were black. Everyone was having a great time splashing and kicking back and forth. Buddy was happily smiling at everyone.
A black girl of about ten years old came up along side us with her friend.
She said to me “Is he adopted?”
I said “Yes” and smiled at her.
She turned to her friend and said “I would never give my baby away. Why did she do that?”
Her friend said “I don’t know. I wouldn’t do it either. I want all my babies.”
I was stunned and embarrassed and didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t actually talking to me so I felt it would be rude to respond to her conversation with her friend. We just moved off in the pool, me feeling slapped and shaken. Buddy was to young to know what was going on, but he felt the chill. He might have sensed that we were talking about his first mother. He might have felt the baffling canyon of separation between me and those young black girls that had something in common with him and his first mother.
She was child enough to ask me the question out of the blue. She was woman enough to claim her own babies. She was bright enough to understand the complexities of a white woman adopting a black baby. She was aware of the alternating pressures on young mothers to parent their own babies at all cost or to release them to adoption in order to pursue a different future for themselves. She had been taught that you hold onto your own.
She didn’t know what it was like to be pregnant and all alone. Should I have told her Buddy’s mother’s story? I could have told her “She did the best she could. She loves her baby. She made the decision that was right for her.”
She knew there was a chance she might become a single pregnant girl herself. I could have told her “Don’t get yourself in that position. Get an education. Stay away from men until you are ready. Use birth control. Make your own future. Claim your life.”
She knew family as the center of the universe. She knew black folks have it harder and need to stick together. She knew white folks shouldn’t have control over black folks’ lives. I could have told her “We are a family. I love my son. I am a good mother. Adoption is a good thing. The color of our skin doesn’t matter.”
What should I have said to her? What would you want to say?
Cloudscome is a single mother with three sons. She is a library-media specialist and blogs about books and technology at http://awrungsponge.blogspot.com. Parenting, adoption and the rest of her life she blogs about at http://sandycovetrail.blogspot.com.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
Jenna wrote:
You could have asked if her Mama taught her any manners.
Yeah, yeah, she’s just a kid and yeah, yeah, innocence behind the questions. Doesn’t mean that children shouldn’t know when their questions are inappropriate.
That said, had it been me in your bathing suit, I simply would have said, “I hope you’re never in the position that Buddy Boy’s first mom was; I wouldn’t wish that on any young girl.” And walked away.
Because, really, having lived it, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst of enemies.
Posted 07 Mar 2007 at 8:41 am ¶
Nina wrote:
It is hard to know the right thing to say and hindsight is 20/20. Then again getting into a debate with a 10 year old over adoption serves no one. Your description of the girl was perfect-caught between child and woman. And as you stated she was not really addressing you nor criticizing you. But she was criticizing your child’s birth mother. If anything, I would have addressed the issue with my child but yours being 23 months old, there probably wasn’t much to say but to convey that his brith mother loved him and did what she thought was best.
Posted 07 Mar 2007 at 11:00 am ¶
Kim wrote:
Cloudscome!
Are you serious?!
Differences between us and all, with cultural being the biggest here, after I would have demanded to know who had brought her to the pool, I would have marched over the adult, and addressed the brazen rudeness of the woman-child.
The conversation, (well, my part anyway):
1.) Is this your child/Are you with this child?
2.) She walked up to me and began asking questions, which, quite frankly, are none of her business, about the nature of my relationship to the child in my arms.
While these are questions I am familiar that other people have, it doesn’t mean other people have a right or expectation to have their curiosity answered. But, because she asked in the most general and civil way possible, I answered.
3. )She then proceeded to turn to her friend, in my presence, fully aware that I could hear her and completely disregarding the impact of the rudeness of her act, the insensitivity of her actions and passing judgment, began to gossip ABOUT my child, in FRONT of my child and myself.
How in the world could a child old enough to be cognizant of her place as a female in this world, and the implications of that (I swear I would have said this) gender assignment, and all the reasons she must safeguard herself, and her body, her heart and her feelings - How in the WORLD could this child take it upon herself to blithely and offhandedly treat my and my son’s feelings like they do not matter? Like we are just waves in a body of water that she just passes through, and moves out of her way, as if we don’t care–she’s the only one here with any real presence?
4) I am, to say the least, deeply offended. I am shocked, and I am disheartened (now, you must know here, that I introduce an appeal to the respect for ourselves through culture that would not be available to you, Cloudscome, but which, in your instance, I would change to analogies of womanhood) that a Black child does not know how enveloping the love of a mother is, and how mothering in this community has always included the extended friends and families, grandparents and teachers who would take in others, and make them family, and become mothers or grandmothers, sister-mothers, aunty-mothers, Big Mammas, Mos, and the like.
5) How she could feel the permission to disregard me, another human being, is the most hurtful, unacceptable, and disheartening thing of all.
6) I know she is a child, but she is not a baby, and I wish, above all else, that in talking with her , you help her to understand that what she SAYS has as much impact as what she does in this world, and she can choose wisely, and with consideration, or not.
And that goes to her words as well as her actions.
7.) Thank you for listening to me.
******
And I am completely serious here.
Posted 07 Mar 2007 at 12:00 pm ¶
Karen wrote:
The worst part of this is the casual way that girl can be so obliviously hurtful. I’m a white mom of an African American daughter & one of my strategies is to act very concerned and sort of take people aside, put a hand on their arm and say (very school teacher-ish) “You know, I’m sure you didn’t mean to be rude but [whatever was said] was hurtful because…” It might be hard to pull off in a pool with a kid but works great with adults, I’ve found.
Another is to reciprocate the obliviousness, saying loudly to my kid something like “She really doesn’t understand much about adoption. Maybe she’ll understand better when she’s older.”
You are highly visible with your child and to pretend you’re not, that you are not a part of that conversation that began by addressing you and your child so rudely, only makes you (and worse, your kid) feel less-than. My feeling in that type of situation is that I have to act in a way that leaves my daughter and myself feeling strong and confident.
Both you and your child heard the remark and responding in any way really is better than being bullied by a ten year old (whether that was her intention or not).
Keep at it. Try different things. Talk to your kid. Talk to your community. You can be pretty sure they’re talking about you.
Posted 07 Mar 2007 at 12:39 pm ¶
Shelli wrote:
As the white half of a black and white partnership with an adopted black baby, I get those kinds of questions ALL THE TIME.
We live in Harlem. I’m white, my daughter is black.
“Kids say the darndest things.” It’s SO important for me to respond lovingly, so that the kids asking the questions don’t chalk up their experience with me as another one for “the man (or in this case the lady) having another one over on me.” And YES, this is often the thought amongst young black girls - that “us white women with money come in and swoop up their babies.” I’m not saying it’s RIGHT, I’m just saying that it IS.
It couldn’t be further from the truth for my family.
My common response to kids when they ask questions about my daughter and I is that “She grew in my heart, but in her birth mom’s belly. Her birth mom loved her SO much that she knew that living with us would be better for her. We see her birth mom often, and are so grateful to be Malka’s mommies. Don’t you think we’re lucky, too?”
And they usually reply YES.
Posted 07 Mar 2007 at 1:40 pm ¶
GreenDaddy wrote:
Such a troubling situation!
I like Shelli’s approach. As a white woman in a public space, shaming someone else’s black child or shaming a black child’s parents isn’t a good option especially if you don’t know them. That would drag up some awful histories.
Posted 07 Mar 2007 at 3:05 pm ¶
Nina wrote:
Kim, as I said before, hindsight is 20/20. I am impressed that you would go to such lengths to deal with the situation. I also think that we have to consider the source of the comment-a 10 year old child. Maybe she was acting grown but she was 10. And GreenDaddy I agree, a white woman shaming a black child like that in public could have surely taken the situation to another level.
Mothers of biological biracial children are constantly asked if their children are adopted, let alone a white mother of a transracially adopted child. I would think that Cloudscome was used to such queries. Obviosuly it was the comments after the initial question that stung the most.
I still concur that it is more important to make her child feel secure about their adoption and not go out of my way to set the record straight with a 10 year old. If it had been an adult, then I would have confronted them directly, but again a child, albeit one who probably knows better, is still a child.
Posted 07 Mar 2007 at 4:28 pm ¶
Kaywil wrote:
Question: Wouldn’t this happen anyway, no matter what kind of adoption? It’s just that this one seemed “obvious” to the girl, and so she commented. If it were any other situation, with just the child, the same discussion/commentary could have taken place.
People will comment on others who don’t fit in the box, or even those who fit (”celebrities/gossip”). What’s important is what us parents do to prepare our children for the world in which they live, or else these things will pick and pick at their self-esteem until there’s nothing left.
Posted 07 Mar 2007 at 7:45 pm ¶
SF Mom wrote:
Ow. I have been in similar situations and felt shaky but made myself say something like…Oh, girls, we don’t talk about people’s business, right? Everyone’s story is different and we can’t know their private business, right? Kind of school teachery but it has worked for me.
I used to receive similar comments and questions when my daughter went to daycare next to a program for pregnant teens. I can only imagine how hard it was for some of those young girls (of all races) to see us, with the choices they were facing. I could not be mad at the askers but I always tried to say something to protect my daughter’s privacy. Who knows what those young girls in the pool have been experiencing that is making them notice and think about this issue? But I certainly agree with other comments that some response is needed to remind the girls about respecting others.
Once a young man came up to us, looked us up and down, and said loudly, “What’s wrong with this picture?” His tone was pretty negative and my immediate reaction was to feel hurt but I pulled myself together and responded firmly, “NOTHING is wrong with this picture. Come on, honey (to my daughter), let’s go now.” I can’t know what he was thinking or what his experiences had been, or what he was facing. All I could do was affirm in front of my daughter that there’s nothing wrong with us and get us out of the situation. Then we talked about it afterwards.
There’s a book that I have found very helpful, I think it’s called the WISE UP Power Book. It’s for kids but it’s right at my level ; )
Posted 07 Mar 2007 at 8:23 pm ¶
cloudscome wrote:
Looking back on it I agree with those of you that saw it as insulting. I think she knew exactly how rude she was being. I don’t think it would have been good for me to confront her on that, but I like what Karen said about talking to Buddy about how much this girl had to learn about adoption and families.
I’ve had other kids ask about why my boys’ skin is a different shade than mine. Many times (especially if they are white) they are genuinly innocent and trying to figure out how it worked. I don’t mind those questions.
In this girl’s case I think she was trying to be a smart ass or intimidating. It’s possible she felt intimidated by me. Maybe there had been a situation or conversations in her family about young women getting pregnant and either keeping or giving their babies for adoption… maybe it struck a cord with her for deeply personal reasons.
I think I could have put on my teacher’s voice and said something like “I’m glad you’ve thought that through for yourself. However, Buddy’s mom made the decision she thought was good for her son. You are not really in the place to judge her on that, are you? Maybe when you’ve grown up a bit more you will realize the power of your words and think more carefully before you speak.”
Being a librarian I can come off a little stronger than necessary in some social situations, LOL, so I usually try to keep a cap on it when I am off duty, so to speak. It comes out from time to time though! I’d just hate to think I made her feel shamed or belittled without good reason.
Posted 07 Mar 2007 at 8:31 pm ¶
Kim wrote:
Cloudscome, clarification, please:
To what are you referring in the actions you took that “made her feel shamed or belittled without good reason”? You don’t mean your very presence, and that of your son, do you? (Or, do you?)
Was that a change of tone and tense, in actions that might have been taken, considering some of the different comments given, and thus a possible reaction she might have had to brusque words by you?
Nina, Greendaddy:
Yeah, I realize that addressing another adult (Nina, I never proposed letting the child have it at all), with whom there exists dual group legacies of intersecting strife, mistrust, etc., is dicey, and don’t think I’d advise it outside of the ‘cultural boundaries’ that I acknowledged do exist between Blacks and Whites. But that only goes for someone White addressing someone Black, as I realize that publicly, many Blacks do not take kindly to a strained one-on-one with anyone - neither Black, or non-Black, and in particular not a White person. (All that being said, if my child had behaved thusly, I would absolutely respect that ANYONE would address me, expressing the level of their own hurt and/or upset at the encounter. But I don’t think that typical, so…)
So, while I do agree that it would not be exactly what I would suggest in total, I do think addressing another parent is called for in this instance. (And one can judge from the first five or six words spoken whether the other is receptive or not, or whether one might just choose to walk away.)
I say this because I have done it, and yet will ad a caveat to this: I have been told (in public, by other strangers) that I approach people with love, and that people feel that and know that in their interactions with me, and that that is why people respond to me. I know that
I approach with my heart, and I always ask if we see anything in the problem the same way, and I listen when they respond.
And Nina, this was not hindsight on my part, but I swallowed it, and tried not to revise for perfection my response, but to give it as though my thighs were wet, and my baby’s hair curling tightly on his head, as the young brown thing turned her tiny-pony-tailed, slender self away from me. (You should know I’ve had my share of public pool moments as well…I don’t take kindly to bullying of any sort.)
Cloudscome, this was a fantastic post. Truly disturbing, true enough to what I know happens (haven’t we all been there?) to make me want to bridge what I view as ridiculous, entrenched psychological gulfs between the women and women-to-be of this world.
I keep thinking, okay, she’s a woman…like me…we share something…we are alike in so many ways…we laugh, we smile, neither of us wears pantyhose anymore :)…she is my sister. And then something happens that makes me realize she may, in fact, see me as innate opponent, if not enemy. And I have to exhale.
Posted 07 Mar 2007 at 9:15 pm ¶
zoe wrote:
“Being adopted doesn’t mean that someone was unwanted. Adoption was probably a very difficult choice and we can’t really know other peoples’ experiences unless we have been in their place.”
That would be my first-instinct response, but I don’t know, Clouds….I haven’t had to tackle this one yet, so I’m just pondering along with you. I think I would go for an answer that doesn’t insult anyone (my son, his mother, or the inquiring child). If I perceived that they were being intentionally rude, who knows what I would have said. Then again, my son and older daughter are getting to the ages where my response should be entirely centered around preserving their own personal self-esteem and well-being - despite what I might want to say. Sometimes the right response might just be to ignore and move away, as you did, so that my kids know they aren’t obliged to answer inquiries about their personal lives. It’s a slippery slope because any answer you give could quickly turn quite personal if the ‘inquirer’ keeps asking questions or making comments that you feel you need to defend against.
Thanks for this post!
Posted 08 Mar 2007 at 1:00 am ¶
cloudscome wrote:
Kim I just mean I don’t want to put her down by responding too harshly, even if it’s obvious she was being rude to an adult, a stranger, and a neighbor in the pool. I don’t like confrontation in general but when I am in the teacher/librarian role I am pretty good at keeping my charges in line. I just don’t want to take that role at the pool. I don’t want to judge why she said that and make her feel shamed. I’d rather try to gently let her know that I know she is out of line and affirm my son’s first mother and our family at the same time. I want to see it as a teachable moment and not just feel insulted. I am the grown up here, after all, and I have more experience (presumably) than she does in mothering, being a single woman who is pregnant, and in being a family of adoption. I actually have been in the position to make the decision about placing my own first born son in adoption or raising him myself (I raised him). I’d like to have a way to turn aside the insult that leaves room for her to know I respect her, her friend, myself, my son, and his first mother. Tricky.
Posted 09 Mar 2007 at 5:53 am ¶
Denise wrote:
Spammers bother me, but spammers playing with such an emotional issue are just sick. Google this email folks… she is also giving away free puppies left and right.
Posted 27 Mar 2007 at 5:34 am ¶
Carmen Van Kerckhove wrote:
Hey Denise and others - I just deleted those comments. Thanks.
Posted 27 Mar 2007 at 6:31 am ¶
Denise wrote:
Thank you Carmen.
Posted 27 Mar 2007 at 7:06 am ¶