Finding our own names
by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Ji In, originally published at Twice the Rice
In The New York Times, adoptive mom Suzanne Paola reflects on the ways her son Jin, adopted from Korea, has constructed his own unique identity.
My son, at age 8½, changed his name to Penguin S’ Ice, and he has kept that name for almost a year now, un-bratty in his corrections, but adamant.
Paola’s essay serves as a reminder that no matter what parents expect, children can remake their identities in the most unpredictable ways — as Jin Penguin S’ Ice demonstrates.
The “S” stands for … I don’t know. The apostrophe is equally vague but definite. When he is asked what his name is — as kids are a half-dozen times a day — he says, “Penguin” or “Penguin S’ Ice” with a trace of discomfort but no explanation. … … Sometimes when people encounter his new name, they assume it’s Asian. “Oh, so that’s your original name?” they ask. “What does it mean?” He responds with an incredulous look. “It means Penguin.”
When I was in the first grade, I started filling “Kathleen” in the Name blank on the tops of my school papers instead of my given name. “Is that your middle name?” my teacher asked, obviously amused. “Yes,” I lied. My teacher looked in her class roster and discovered that my middle name was not, in fact, Kathleen. She asked me about it the next day. I just shrugged and pretended that I had been “Kathleen” all along. By the following week, I had changed my name again to Stephanie. I never thought to name myself after a flightless, aquatic bird, but then I was more into unicorns, cats and ballerinas at that age. Still, I think maybe I can feel Jin/Penguin on this one. Though in those days, I didn’t wrestle with a remnant of my Korean name, as my parents had chosen to give me a complete American name makeover when I was adopted, I often questioned why they had given me the name they did, and expressed aloud my disdain for it. “I don’t like the way it looks,” I would explain to them.
Looking back on those moments, I’ve realized that it wasn’t the way my name looked that I didn’t like. It was the way I looked. I would have given anything to look like the kind of girl who belonged to an American name. Although I reclaimed my Korean name more than 20 years later, Ji In wasn’t a name I would have been ready to explain at age 6 … 8 1/2 … or 18, for that matter. When it was time, I just knew.
Jin’s transformation into Penguin makes me wonder if perhaps “Penguin” appeals to him in a way that makes the most basic sense in his own world, as he chooses to belong with these winged friends who never question him or his reasons for being who he is … while perhaps “Jin” is an indicator that he and his name come from somewhere else as a result of someone else’s choices — which probably doesn’t make sense at his age. (Will it ever?)
Maybe writing “Jin” on the tops of his school papers belies the way he sees himself on the inside, and challenges his freedom to choose his own identity, his own answers, and his own reasons for being who he is. Or maybe he just really likes penguins.
At any rate, for adoptees, our identities — and the long process of constructing and embracing them — are complex. In some ways, I mourn the loss of a connection to my Korean name upon my adoption, so that I had to forge it anew at age 29. In other ways, I know that the rude questions and quizzical, incredulous looks from people who wouldn’t have understood the presence of a Korean name in their white American space would have set me apart and created more grief for me, as I wished only to get through one day without being derided for being different.
Seeing or hearing about young intercountry adoptees whose adoptive parents retained their given names, either in whole or in part, makes me feel simultaneously a bit envious and a bit sorry for whatever grief it may cause them. I only hope that their adoptive families recognize and actively honor the importance of connecting to ethnic heritage and birth culture — through food, travel, community support, mentorship, the arts and beyond — besides just names. And equally, I hope that the communities where they live are vastly more representative of all kinds of names and backgrounds than the one in which I lived as a child — where “diversity” and “cultural awareness” meant comprehending the difference between Olson and Olsen.
I’m not sure why Paola’s piece is in the Fashion & Style section, but the “Modern Love” heading would certainly seem to apply to her love affair with her little Penguin. I hope someday he loves his Korean name as much as he currently loves penguins.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
Bill wrote:
To begin with, this will be a learning experience for me and I hope for anyone who accesses this blog site. I came across your site after reading an editorial by Chen I believe. Is there a Chen who recently wrote on this site? If not then it may have been Chau because I thought the first name was Jennifer. In any case my question is of ignorance. I know there is racism and have experienced it many times during my life. I admit that it has been from the far ‘white’. Early in my life I was color blind and it was not until civil rights movement began that I became aware of the sting of prejudice. All my so called friends were no longer, they were ‘black’ now. It is funny now but not so then. I was so naive. So, as we begin let me re-announce my ignorance. Ignorant of why non-white peoples feel that they must be more than they are. Oh, I know the pressures of society and the realities of discrimination. How this country affects all peoples so diversely. To me, I see people before I see anything else. In the first few seconds of contact I can tell if I am being seen as a fellow being or something ’strange’. I know you all know what I mean. I am a Christian but have not always been one. I am a sinner and have always been one. I have been most things people would not admit even themselves, but I am no longer any of those things. Reading just some of your writings I feel there is this enormous void that your company is trying to span. An academic approach to society’s disease. Pesonally I am dealing with my own demons, politics. Which is so associated with your challenge. So, can we start with the question of who is the Asian? For me Asians have always been people of strong character, honorable, realistic to use stereotypical jargon. But I have really felt that respect for their cultures and histories. But I am a student of life…not like so many. I do not fear diversity and I have learned how to love in new and powerful ways. So again, who is Asian, who is Carmen, Jen, Jin, James…? Why do they feel that there is a need to answer that question for socieoty.
I recently responded to an article by the ‘Chen’ I mentioned above. More than a response I was discussing the inter-racial media extremes of using black men with white or non-black women in romantic situations. In advertising, in all sorts of visual performance. I have yet to get a reply to my concerns of some sort of conspiracy or marketing ploy by ….who or what? I asked your staff(you), anyone, if they have seen the same thing and if they know why? I am trying to understand these needs. What do people want or need from this racialism? Request a response from anyone, please.
Posted 02 Feb 2007 at 8:56 am ¶
atlasien wrote:
Bill… gee, thanks for killing the discussion before it even got started.
If you are serious about dialogue, then my advice is to please try to make your questions more relevant to the subject of the article.
Posted 04 Feb 2007 at 8:41 pm ¶
monique wrote:
Okay, that is not my real name, but it is the name I used for two full years in elementary school. Why? Because it was the name of the smartest girl in kindergarten, and there was another girl with my exact first name and last initial in almost every class for most of my life through the sixth grade, so in the fourth grade, I changed it.
Just up and starting writing ‘Monique’ on all of my papers, tests, when introducing myself in the schoolyard…everywhere.
The teachers, assuming it was a middle name, simply decided to bear with me after checking school records. They lovingly, and obligingly, called me by this new name until I moved out of the school and area. I was most grateful, and, to this day, am grateful, because it was my one exercise in fantasy - ever. I am a deadpan realist (read: I can be a drag), and I am perfectly comfortable with my name now, though only in its shorter incarnation.
My first love, imbued with the richest baritone I’ve ever heard, called me by my full name in the eleventh grade, and like Tony, from West Side Story (”the most beautiful sound …”) the name was never the same again. It was alive.
My son went by the name Komodo Dragon Rainbow Maker for two years, and I finally had to let him know that was not his actual name when he took his first standardized school test.
Constant readers to the site: do you know who I am? (Come on…play!)
Posted 05 Feb 2007 at 12:26 am ¶
Meera wrote:
Um, Kim? Is that you, girl?
Posted 05 Feb 2007 at 6:50 pm ¶
( ) wrote:
shhhh
Posted 05 Feb 2007 at 9:29 pm ¶
kim wrote:
Alllrighty.
Busted.
Kim it is.
Posted 08 Feb 2007 at 8:17 pm ¶
Daniel wrote:
Wow, Kim. That’s a hell of a story. I didn’t realize that you were so romantic. You really brought me there.
Daniel
Posted 09 Feb 2007 at 1:35 pm ¶
kim wrote:
Thanks, Daniel!
Glad to see there are others around every now and then, and that we may, slowly, be feeling each other out.
I didn’t know I had these stories in me until very recently. I’m going to have to collect my writings at various blogs and “listen” to what I sound like.
As for being a romantic…I categorically deny it.
Posted 09 Feb 2007 at 7:22 pm ¶
tlday13 wrote:
I waffled back and forth on the name issue for such a long time prior to our daughter’s referral… especially if she was a toddler (as indeed she was at referral)…did we have the “right” to give her a new name?
In the end, we did, but kept her Chinese name as a middle name. I didn’t want her to lose that! And if she wishes to legally change it back to her first name, my husband and I will support her in that decision.
Posted 08 Oct 2008 at 4:24 pm ¶